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My rant, anyone listening?????

Posted , 5 users are following.

deaver
deaver

Thought I'd come on here to see how things are for others.  Sometimes it manages to brighten my own mood, but not today.  Things have been up n down for a while, and although I get good days they never last and quite frankly, recently there's more bad than good.  

This week just seems to have completely spiralled downhill at such a rapid speed.  I never even saw it coming!  I had a full breakdown during a meeting at work and now have a senior boss telling me I ought to see a counsellor.  Been there done it.  NO HELP!  I'm pill popping to no avail.  I mean, I've had my meds (which contain a strong sedative) and yet I'm still sitting here doing this, some good eh?  I don't want pity, or anyone telling me it'll get better, I just want a rant I guess.

I'd love to open up fully and discuss everything that life has thrown my way but what's the point? You can't change the past and I don't want anyone saying they understand but really judging me when they haven't been there or gone threw it.

Right now I hate myself, I hate the world, and if I didn't wake up tomorrow it would be a blessing.  No doubt I'll eventually level back out til the next time, so for now I'll end by saying thanks for listening/reading this.

1 like, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • 8484fran
    8484fran deaver

    Posted

    I'm listening smile 

    If I'd have posted yesterday, mine would have been similar to this and yet today I feel almost, dare I say it, 'normal'. Depression is weird. I'm not going to tell you everything will be ok a) due to your instructions :p and b) because I don't know that it will but I will say if you want to rant or talk or have questions (that I probably won't know the answer to!) you can message me. I understand the need to rant, the feeling that everything is against you, that nobody understands and wanting to scream every time someone says 'you'll be ok, it'll get better' 

    Take care x 

    • deaver
      deaver 8484fran

      Posted

      Thanks Fran

      Numb and emotional right now.  Trying to work through it but it really isn't easy this time.

  • marieC
    marieC deaver

    Posted

    I'm glad that this is somewhere you can have a rant!  It does take the pressure off.  If you get the right medication (having said that, nothing I was prrescribed worked for me and I was able to just come off them without weaning myself off them without feeling any different) or the right type of counselling you could be amazed.

    I really thought nothing would work for me, but I've seen a EMDR therapist and I'm now seeing a CBT counsellor, each for different mental type problems and I'm improving, not there yet, I still sit on the couch instead of doing things some of the time, but I'm beginning to feel better and now and then I actually do something, which is miles better than I was before.

    Never say never.  You can't change the past, but you can change how you feel about it and how you react to the memories and similar bad things.

    I really hope you don't hate everything so much now, you cannot be that bad to deserve that you really hate yourself.

    I hope the rant helped too.

    • deaver
      deaver marieC

      Posted

      Thanks MarieC

      Showing my ignorance what's an EMDR therapist if you don't mind me asking?  And  a CBT counsellor ? (nothing really to do with motorcycles I guess)

      My GP keeps suggesting going back to counselling but I've never found it any use to be honest.  All I know is I am fed up with how I am and need to change something

       

    • marieC
      marieC deaver

      Posted

      That's OK, I've forgotten what the initials are for in EMDR, but I can google and then tell you.  Right just googled and  it is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is believed in deep sleep when you have rapid eye movement that the brain is processing everything that has gone on and is filing it away in your memory.  EMDR works on the bad memories and replaces them with good ones.  The therapist gets you to follow their finger or moving lights and at first you concentrate on the negative thing and then when you start to feel less upset you can then focus on the good thing, again with the lights or finger.  Even if sight is a problem, you can have tappers which you hold and you can feel the sensation, first one side and the other and so on.  I'm probably not explaining this very well, but it worked for me.

      CBT, or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is used when your behaviour is not helping you.  I'm a hoarder and there are several reasons behind it, it's a form of protection, I don't let people in the house because I am ashamed so I thought no-one could hurt me emotionally, also buying stuff made me feel better for a while. etc. I think you get the drift.  Well, it's not good for me, I want friends, I want to be able to clean and go, etc and have visitors. so, I have to deal with feeling bad and vulnerable in a different way, but changing past behaviour is not easy.  I have only recently started this, so don't have the answers.

      Hope that at least partly answers the question.  The counseller or therapist is the person who gives you the therapy.

      You can find out about these online, where they will probably describe it better than I ever could.

  • hanky
    hanky deaver

    Posted

    keep fighting and never give up as it will leave other people and family upset if you decide not to wake up etc
    • deaver
      deaver hanky

      Posted

      Soooooooooooo  Hard right now but they're the only reason I'm still here.

      Thanks for listening

  • mike_1377
    mike_1377 deaver

    Posted

    don't know if you're still around but i'm here

    to be honest i don't think i've gone through some stuff you mentioned, but i'm sure i know what it's like to want to be heard desperately...

    carry on with the rants

  • pundroo
    pundroo deaver

    Posted

    Hey deaver, are you still around ? No offence intended.
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