After Three Major Events in a Year, I am Exhausted and Depressed
Posted , 5 users are following.
In September of last year, I went through a deeply traumatic experience when I was out of the country. I still relive it. Also, at that time, I became estranged from my daughter and my precious grandchildren. She will not allow me to see them. They were my life.
Then, In October, I had surgery for what was considered a gynocological complaint to learn that it was cancer. I was treated for 3 months and told my prognosis was excellent.
During a routine medical visit for a scan, I learned that I had a malignant nodule. I had surgery six weeks ago and was, again, told that the prognosis was good.
Now, I don't want to do anything, see anyone, and am constantly exhausted. I cannot sleep for reliving these events. I often cry for no reason, am irritable, and have such difficulty maintaining my responsibilities. I think constantly of when and how I will die and whether it really matters to anyone. Bluebegonia
1 like, 9 replies
patricia44773 Bluebegonia
Posted
What you have described are classic symptoms of depression, I am sure you realise this yourself. Are you getting any treatment for depression? If not, you certainly need to, there is always help out there.
Sometimes your mental health is not as important as your physical health...and I am sure that is true with you, you have been through so much.
I am so sorry, I wish I could make everything better, but I can't. I just hope you will find some help and realise that you DO matter to many people.
My heart hurts for you.
Pat
Bluebegonia patricia44773
Posted
Right now, my mental and physical health are so entertwined that it's difficult knowing which is which. I have responsibilities and must live up to them, although it's becoming increasingly difficult.
Thank you, Pat.
patricia44773 Bluebegonia
Posted
Is there noone who could take some of the weight of your responsibilities?
I am not as well informed as Nalia, but I would difinitely say that you need more professional help. You shouldn't be suffering as you are.
Stay strong and keep in touch,
Pat xx
Bluebegonia patricia44773
Posted
Not really. I do have a sister, however, she has offered to do nothing. She, pretty much, lives her own life unless she needs me for something. (That's just how she is and always has been.)
My work is difficult, since I work for an international organization to assist prisoners in countries where there is the death penalty. In September, I'm facing a trip to see one of these men and, honestly, I haven't even made flight reservations.
Professional help is the answer. It's simply a matter of finding someone with whom I'm compatible and who shares my philosophy of medicine.
Thank you and, yes, I wil, Pat. xx
nalia Bluebegonia
Posted
To go through cancer treatment not knowing if you would see your family members, must have been an unimagiinable strain, to suffer; especially when you would want at that time to have the most reciprocated affection and support. Also it was a shock that this was discovered by routine scan, thank goodness it was detected though. Your positive focus on healthly prognoses at different stages, is so inspiring.
With multiple/compound traumas - one can often endure a higher level of pressure and their Post Traumatic Stress can become Complex. it sounds like your describing, chronic fatigue, too which often arises out of chronic/acute stress that goes on for a considerable amount of time. Your reserves sound depleted, especially your adrenaline. The anxiety that you have described regardng the subject of "death" is so understandable, but must be very frustrating.
Therapy may help you to support the medications beneficial effects, or changing medication, under the supervision of your practitioner. The fog of physiological holistic affectual problems, feeding into one another;...can be disorientating and feel impossible to solve with clarity. Perhaps keeping a monitoring journal where you try if possible to create some indicator lists, about what may be triggering your feelings:...(even though I realise it is far from a perfect task), may help.
I hope that you can find as much support as you can, as you feel burdened by the weight of trying to perhaps cope with too much on your own. Nalia
Bluebegonia nalia
Posted
The months of cancer treatment, surgeries, radiography was lonely and terrifying. Really, I still live in perpetual terror of another bout of it. A headache becomes a brain tumour. I wish I felt inspiring!
Your explanation of PTSD and its' ability to become complex is something I hadn't thought of at all. My stress levels have been high for many years due a great deal to my job. People depend on me. Yet, summoning up what they need is becoming nearly impossible. I am able to 'force' myself, however, I don't know how long I can continue that way. All I want to do is sleep and forget.
Therapy is the answer and medication to help with symptoms. Right now, clarity is a word I barely recognize. I like the idea of monitoring and attempting to find triggers. Since I'm working at my desk from home all day, it's quite possible to do as the thoughts arise.
Yes, I need support since I know I cannot continue as I have been. It's just too huge.
Thank you, Nalia.
nalia Bluebegonia
Posted
I hope that your feelings for your Grandchildren can give you strength in the situation where your daughter has stated things so apparently resolutely. Could you contact her via a third party and try professional mediation? So important that you have kept up with the sending, as it will prove to them you have tried to get through. You have been like a second Mother to them all & the commitment you had and still have under such strain, for so long; is amazing.
It sounds like your journey with treatment, has pushed your soul and spirit and it must be very stressful having to worry about relapse. Others can feel your inspirationalism and reflect it back to you, to perhaps give strength to carry on, when you feel weak.
Yes, when one suffers from PTSD and then experiences more trauma on top it, the condition takes on a multiplicity that can seem insurmountable. "Triggers" can feed into one another and can be very difficult to untangle and deal with.
Having people depend on you in your personal and professional life for so long, must have been/be,...particularly taxing. Sometimes with such highs the lows can seem worse. You care so much and yet wish to deliver such a high level of assistance. It feels like a long ruler to measure yourself against. I hope that you also get more support at work, as you are very passionate about you job. Care roles and employment types, are so rewarding and yet highly de-plenishing/draining;...especially if one feels isolated or poorly.
It sounds like your holistic system needs you to focus on you, but I understand that you may feel that's even harder;...when you want to be with your family and travel to help so many others. Forcing yourself is exceptionally brave, but risks going against the signals your body maybe giving you to slow down. Easier said than done though, i realise!
It sounds like a new strategy needs to be adopted on many fronts and I know this takes time and space. Could it be that without good quality relaxation, because of your life events that your suffering from chronic fatigue. The 'wanting to forget', is I think your brain and system saying that you are reaching your limit of being able to "give, give, give".
Therapy and meds also require work to manage them and it sounds as if yes they are needed, hopefully with more regular breaks and help though to ensure you can cope effectively. I hope that with more support you can clear the blank feeling foggy head, as much as possible, as regularly as you need. If I am particularly congested mentally, or feel too "blank" i try to stop and journal with words or pictures;...to let the subconscious flow and deposit it's concerns. The pathways of development of thinking and expression may progress naturally and with some focus. I "leave" some things after cathartically creating them and return to them if i get time to/want to in the future, to revisit certain themes/challenges.
I am also home based and try to get up and wlak around and do various things to relieve stress;...sometimes looking at what wildlife's on show, in the garden, doing a set of exercises for a few minutes, perhaps reading a few pages of a book etc.
Yes, when the picture of stress exceeds the frame - then it's too much to handle alone!
Thank you too Bluebegonia
Nalia
Bluebegonia nalia
Posted
Yes, my love for my Grandchildren is profound. I shall never understand how my own daughter can use them as weapons. It's unfair to them and they're too young to openly defy her. I maintain contact with them via e-mail or post that I register. They're special people.
This journey with diagnosis and treatment has, indeed, pushed my soul and spirit to a point whereby I often wonder if there is any return. Living in fear is a terrible experience. It leaves no room for simple joys.
You are so right. It does feel insurmountable. I feel I am no longer 'me' but, rather, some stranger who fights to get through a day.
My commitment to my work is so important. Others count on me to work with legal representatives, various groups, as well as mitigation. There are lives at stake. These sorts of jobs really are emotionally draining and, often, I just wish I were an accountant!
I realize, Nalia, that I must learn to listen to my body. It does speak to us. If wishes came true, I'd wipe away the past three years and have one fresh start. Impossible.
Thererapy is important as are meds. I hope my doctor is available at the beginning of the week so that I can begin, with some help, to learn to cope with life in a healthy way. To dread each day is no way to exist.
I really believe that during my 'blank periods', journaling with words (I can't draw) would help. I would be taking these feelings and depositing them somewhere other than the recycle box.
Being home bases is helpful. Working outside my home would, I know, be impossible at this stage. Like you, getting up and moving around, looking out a window and just taking that break helps.
Thank you for understanding. It's way too much to handle alone, as I tend to like doing. It's way beyond what I realize I can do on my own.
Bluebegonia
nalia Bluebegonia
Posted
I think that when people hurt they do not mean to - but they seem to extend their rections and defence mechanisms to include those around them, even if those arond them do not choose for that to be so! It can cut off (others) options and be ruthlessley primal & lacking balance. The focus is put on the hurt they feel, as they struggle to find and stabilise perspective/trust. I'm glad that you still manage to have communication via email - thank goodness. Not the same though, I realise.
You describe well, the fact that our own endurance journeys can seem to take us far from who we feel we are and from others! Yes, fear numbs our systems and puts pressure on our living being/s.
Just the stress of a problem being seemingly insurmountable, can cause agony - like looking at a mountain climb and it seeming impossible to pass, climb, turn back from etc! It sounds like your automatic pilot has taken over and you may be experiencing derealisation and depersonalisation. Which can be very dissociating and diorientating, as well as scary and formidable. Sometimes these liminal spaces we enter seem so lonely and barren.
Your work at least seems to be a constant contact, where your commitment is appreciated,.l in a more tangible way right now. Whilst your own pain, must help you to empathise, I expect that it can also leave you more susceptible to compassion fatigue and may be quite "triggering". It sounds like you are an amazing advocate. You certainly are most eloquent. I hope that the life/death situations which are on the peak of human experience and stress do not leave you burnt out. I understand that desire, sometimes for a less "on the edge" job!
I think it's really hard to listen, to the finer details of our systems when our bodies are flagging up primal fight/flight signals...but keep trying! Your right, that the body, has it's own language and yes, the futile "if only's",...can play on our minds.
I hope too that you get the medical support that you need, from understadning clinicians & that you soon look forward to your days again. You deserve happiness.
I cannot draw that proficiently either...just exploring different mediums for releasing the senses is great though;...clay, crayons, paint, collage. I like your recycling box analogy! Yes, I guess it would be your "safe place", to "bank" your feelings and return to them when you want to...to gain further insights and compassion into your own unique life journey, however bittersweet.
You make a good point about working from home, at least providing you with manageable continuance in some ways. Well when I look out of the window I shall think of you..
Thank you also, for contiuing to be open and self reflect. It is helping me to realise I can also keep communicating about my thoughts in life and journey on. I think you are very right that when our self capacities understandably become outstripped, that we can indeed garner further strength from others;...joinging up on our treks to survive and live life in continuance and energy. I too, like to do a lot alone. Working with others can be tricky, but we can expand our embrace of life's horizons, as we do.
N