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Getting more phobic and depressed

Posted , 3 users are following.

caroleUJ62
caroleUJ62

Hi,

I have replied to alot of discussions but never started one.  I am due to go on a holiday in 4 weeks. Its only to the Lake District - a couple hours drive, to a  lovely house we have been to before with some other family members. Normally I'd be looking forward to it, but I had an accident a few months ago which I am mostly recovered from apart from I have a drooping eyelid because one of my eye muscles has dropped. I had a fall and whiplash basically, and it all started with that.

I am having an operation for it - its only a short op, and I only have to have a local anaesthetic, and it'll take about half an hour, and the eye surgeon has agreed to do it on the NHS, even though its officially cosmetic.

I am just getting more and more phobic about seeing people, and since I had the accident in fact have only gone out occasionally wearing tinted glasses, or to medical appointments. I havent even got the confidence to walk to the local shops.  I've had quite a rough few months, with quite alot of pain and discomfort, and am nearly through it. I just desperately want my eye op done before my holiday, or I will feel most of this year has been wasted, and I actualy think I'll probably pull out of the trip. I dont have much confidence, and have suffered from depression and anxiety for a long time anyway, so I cant just laugh this off as I know I should do. Due to mental illness I  lost my career, my driving licence, most of my friends, and now am trying to get off diazepam.  I generally looked after myself physically and actually felt that my looks were one of the only advantages I had left. I know this sounds really shallow.

I have made an appt to see the eye surgeon privately this week as I am considering having the op done privately - if I actually can - theres only a few weeks to fit it in, so even that might not be possible.  

Otherwise It'll be mid-late September on the National Health I can barely even look in the mirror wihout wearing glasses. I know its a pathetic phobia, I just cant seem to stop feeling this way.

0 likes, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • ladydawn
    ladydawn caroleUJ62

    Posted

    I used to rely on my looks to boost my moods, I think man women do. I now am chronicly ill, bloated on steroids, have trouble with teeth which are not as attractive as they used to be and my hair is thinning. There is nothing I can do about any of these things. I have to have a wheelchair to get anywhere too which is not exacly sexy (thinking of doing it steampunk haha). I am trying to get over myself, it is hard, Think  your eye will soon look normal and you can go on with your life. Take advantage of your looks while you have them and please try too find a why not to be so hooked on them because I am often grieving for my old self.

    God bless.

    • caroleUJ62
      caroleUJ62 ladydawn

      Posted

      Thankyou. I do feel ashamed of how vain I am. I think I became obsessed with my looks quite eraly on because from an early age I did alot of ballet and was seriously set on being a professional ballet dancer - when I started university these petered out.  Dancers have it drummed into them that their bodies have to be perfect, and many end up anorexic and with early osteoporosis because of it.

      This is my excuse - I know its lame.

      Thanks again.

       

  • ladydawn
    ladydawn caroleUJ62

    Posted

    please excuse typos I am not as sharp as I once was .. part of the illness
  • fee25
    fee25 caroleUJ62

    Posted

    I'll start by saying that you can't pass up a trip to the Lakes! I go every year, it is definitely my favourite part of the UK, just so calm and beautiful - and the local people are lovely. It'll definitely do you the world of good, and I can say the people there are the least likely to judge anyone. Lovely. 

    I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling, I would say that "nobody will care about your eye and it probably looks worse to you than others" but I know that hearing this from a stranger probably won't make much difference - though I am sure it is true! 

    I hope, for the sake of your anxiety that you can get your op done privately. The issue is, with anxiety it doesn't matter how big or small an issue seems to others, it's overwhelming for the person dealing with it. 

    Take everything one day at a time, I'm glad you have made your first post smile keep doing it! Whenever things seem hard, the people here will support you as you have supported others smile

    Fee 

    xxx

    • caroleUJ62
      caroleUJ62 fee25

      Posted

      Thanks ever so much Fee.  I know I would enjoy the holiday as its a family meet up, kids, dogs, lovely big house just up the hill overlooking Ullswater. Have been there before, and it is lovely.

      I woke up today, and my eye looked pretty normal. Resting seems to be good for it, then it starts getting baggier throughout the day, and especially when I read, which is really crap because I do read alot.

      I'm still  in two minds as to whether to try to go private or not. If I see the surgeon privately - who is really good, and I dont really want anyone else to do the op, he may say he cant fit me in even privately in the timeframe, and I'll just end feeling stupid and embarrassed.

      I have till Tuesday to decide, because I'll have to cancel the private appt by then if thats what I decide as the appt is on Wednesday.

       

    • fee25
      fee25 caroleUJ62

      Posted

      Ullswater is so beautiful, it sounds like a lovely trip!

      Well, you can but ask - if he can fit you in then, great! If he can't, at least you tried! 

      I am a big believer that fresh air is better than any medicine. I just moved to a city, so going for a walk here isn't all that great but back home a walk in the fields, with lovely countryside all around always made me feel more calm. If you can, maybe one morning after a good nights rest you could get yourself out and go for a nice walk, even if it does end up just being to the local shops. Going out a few times and being around others may slowly build your confidence for your holiday if the appointment can't be booked in time. 

      Just breathe, it will all be ok smile 

      xxx

    • caroleUJ62
      caroleUJ62 fee25

      Posted

      Oh thanks, you give me more confidence already. Yes I'll go out for a walk, and a coffee. I havent done it for so long, its ridiculous, but it seems like a really big treat.

       

    • fee25
      fee25 caroleUJ62

      Posted

      I'm glad to hear! The smallest things in life can often make the biggest difference smile I hope you enjoy it, I'm sure you will!
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