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Losing my mind

Posted , 5 users are following.

phillip63070
phillip63070

I just dont know what is wrong with me . Social anxiety perhaps , expects too much , perfectionist , over achiever .

Has got to 51 , only ever had two tumultuous relationships . Has never felt close to family or friends .

I came out at 19 and went to college to study Art and design but problems with Family and sexuality and so on meant i quit my degree course .

How can i make this succinct ?

I never feel succesful or connected . Regularly bursts into tears . Has high high moments and low lows .

I quit my Job aged 37 to go back to college , got a mediocre degree . I decided to become a photographer yet has failed that . Is a great photographer but terrible at marketing or making money .

So 51, penniless , not close to family , has no close family still alive . Single .

Frequently feels so low . Has never made a great success of anything . Feels alive whilst taking photographs and travelling . Feels dead and hollow the rest of the time .

Both of my sisters are bipolar .

I can go for weeks feeling normal then suddenly I can hardly crawl out of bed .

Confused 

2 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • phillip63070
    phillip63070

    Posted

    Yes never quite feels connected . Has sat at home now for 3 weeks and not talked to a single person other than the checkout at the supermarket 
  • phillip63070
    phillip63070

    Posted

    Social media ? Load of nonsense . I am the one who asks others how they are and symapthises . If i dare mention i am feeling unstable its pull yourself together .
  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 phillip63070

    Posted

    I understand.  i'm 51 and quit my job...making lots of money because it made me physically too tired and I couldn't take it anymore.

    Now I sit where you sit....basically...my family is upset I quit my job

    because I am no longer their money cow.  I worry daily about losing everything i have worked for for 25 plus years...mainly my house and my car.

    I'm the same as you high highs...low lows.

    I sit and MOPE around.

    What I have been doing lately is TRYING to do at least 1 good thing for myself a day...even if it is taking a ride and sitting in the park (being depressed) instead of at home.  Or buying an iced tea or coffee.....

    I take my antidepressents more regulary now...they seem to be helping.  I keep repeating to myself...this too will pass.

    For you if you feel alive taking photographs....take more...make a colllage..search for jobs everyday that would include your photography...maybe local newspapers or community centers that need news letters?

    Its so hard to even look for a job in this condition - I KNOW IT.

    I just want you to know that you are not alone...and to keep TRYING to do good things for yourself.

     

    • phillip63070
      phillip63070 Misssy2

      Posted

      What really hits me is that my last relationship ended 19 years ago . I moved to a new home 15 years ago and family never visit despite only being a few hundred miles away . Old friends have drifted . Suddenly feels very very alone . Anyway good luck in finding your own answers 
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 phillip63070

      Posted

      A few hundred miles away is pretty far.  Your parents age? Money? May be a factor and not necessarily you?

      I ended a 22 year relationship 10 years ago....And my whole family dynamic has changed as well...My kids favor their father...and only contact me for $.

      It is very very lonely...I get it....Can you join a local basketball team or baseball? Or dating site?

  • dopy
    dopy phillip63070

    Posted

    I can understand how lonely you must feel. My son is gay. In addition, he is on the autistic spectrum and was seriously ill two years ago when he was hospitalised for 7 months which may have been autism -related. He is quite well now and on medication which is working well for him. He lives at home with me and my husband and is very involved in different things. He and I are very close and I depend on him as much as he depends on me.

    I think that having a close relationship with someone is all you really need. It doesn't matter who it is. And it doesn't have to be sexual, I don't think. I go with my son, who is 21, on holidays. We go for walks. He is my best friend. Is there anyone you think you can be a best friend to? x

    • phillip63070
      phillip63070 dopy

      Posted

      Thanks all , its difficult . My parents are deceased , most of my relatives are deceased . sometimes i can go weeks without talking to anyone .

      I do have an active life . Some admire my lifestyle . I travel . recently spent several weeks in Berlin but apart from a few words with waiters , hotel staff , talked to nobody at all .

      Add in social anxiety and friends who twitter on about mental health awareness but run a mile if confronted with anyone who admits to problems then it is a loely experience .

      Copes , mostly but from someone who grew up within a huge family ( disliked many at the time ) to find yourself sort of completely alone at 51 is a scary experience.

      on a recent trip to Berlin I was sat at my dining table enjoying a meal , relatively relaxed and calm and suddenly a piece of music jolted me back in time and i just had to sob . I sat on the pavement ( sidewalk ) and sobbed and nobody asked how i was . passers by just sort of looked embarrassed and stepped over me 

    • Digsby
      Digsby phillip63070

      Posted

      How are things going for you now Phillip? I have a keen interest in photography (nothing too technical though!) Have you been able to connect with people online through your photography? I attended a digital photography course run by my Community Mental Health Team and it put me in touch with an intersting bunch. One BP lady has become a close confidante since. It sounds as if you are lacking real support from people and we all need someone to draw alongside us at times and tell us they understand. You have that in the people on this forum Phillip. Looking forward to hearing how you are if you have time to reply. Best wishes, Digsby.
  • julie17731
    julie17731 phillip63070

    Posted

    Hello Phillip!  I know how it feels to not want to crawl out of bed, I know how it feels to be depressed and disconnected with the world around you.  If both of your sisters were diagnosed as being bipolar chances are you may be as well.  I would go to your doctor as soon as possible and explain to him/her what is going on, medication may help you gather your thoughts and put things in your life into perspective!  Having highs and low-lows is not a very nice way to live your life and I completely understand what you are going through because I've had similar feelings/experiences.  Try talking to your sisters and ask them for support and understanding....they may be able to help you and give you ideas on how to cope.  I wish you all the best of luck and I hope you feel better soon!  You deserve to be happy and successful! Take care smile
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