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Who am I?

Posted , 4 users are following.

jackj01
jackj01

I want to know who I am, is there anyone that can help with this.

I find it hard to use my emotions, it's not like I don't have any the thing is I sometimes only feel them but every very little of them. I can't honestly tell you the last time I've actually fully felt anything. I sometimes have dangerous thoughts and by this I mean suicidal, destructive and murderous. These aren't things I act upon, I just want to know what it’s like to die and finally find out if there is an afterlife and I want to know what it’s like to kill someone and turn large areas into nothing but dust, will I feel anything from doing this? I don't feel remorse and guilt, I don't know what all of this would make me. Am I a sociopath or psychopath? I want to know who I am, I can't say only depressed because from what I've read this would prevent a lot of the things that I do, I like adventure going out and socialising isn’t a problem for me I’ll go out if someone invites me and get wasted. I’m a very curious person and I feel this is one of my main problems, maybe if it wasn’t for my curiosity for everything I’d be a little more normal.

My sexual life isn’t completely straight forward either, I’ve had gay experiences but they haven’t been something I’m really interested in but if someone asks me to do something sexual with them ill have no problem at all in doing it with them. I’ve had numerous girlfriends and with each of these I broke up with them because they just didn’t interest me anymore, there was only 1 girl I’ve actually felt something for not a huge breakthrough but something small, I’d like to call it love but then after a while of this I broke up with her and liked the sinking feeling it gave me. I’ve never felt anything for anyone else. I have a sort of strong attraction to females, I want to see them vulnerable but would do anything to hurt them unless they gave me permission too. I like secrets I’m extremely good at keeping them and I always want to know things others don’t.

As for my siblings, I like them and the same goes for my parents. I’d kill for them without a second thought and if anyone ever hurt them I know I wouldn’t feel anything and within my family I don’t want anything to change within it.

I act differently around different people, I seem to connect well with everyone and have no problem keeping a conversation. When I talk to them I believe that all my interest are the same as theirs, and the thing about this is usually I’m good at the things their interested in. I work with computers, im not unfit and I’m a little lazy but I would also have no problem with getting a career in construction, Business or anything else for that matter,

I’m unsure if this is relevant but ill include it, I have headaches which last 3-5 days at a time and these occur about every 2 weeks.

I’ve put all of this down because I want a label for myself, such as “Normal”, “Sociopath” or “Freak”.

1 like, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • Digsby
    Digsby jackj01

    Posted

    Wow Jack - you sound like a fascinating and complex character. What I felt most of all in reading your post is that you have a great self-awareness and honesty about yourself. Many people go through life not "knowing" themselves at all - they are self-centred but deceive themselves about a lot of what goes on in their own minds (maybe supressing the aspects that they don't like but this doesn't make them disappear - it may just distort or magnify those characteristics). I'm sure that we all have a "dark" side, thoughts that we entertain when we are alone but that we wouldn't actually act upon in any normal circumstances. I'm sure most people would relate to being prepared to kill to protect those we love (i.e. our family). That's a primal instinct that we probably all share. I'm only an amateur psyychologist(!) but I guess that society thrives on deterring the individual from displaying any destructive tendencies (either self-destructive or homicidal). Obviously if the "tribe" is threatened then these violent tendencies can be externalised and to some extent justified via war. Your curiosity is a good thing as it displays an intelligent and enquiring mind, thirsty for knowledge. It borders on something more sinister perhaps when you are prepared to experiment with other people's feelings and seeing what reaction you get from them if you behave in a certain way. I'm not trying to judge - that's not the purpose of this forum and hopefully it means that we can share our thoughts and feelings honestly and openly. I have my own set of values that have evolved over my 48 years and many of them come down to doing unto others as I want others to treat me. This isn't always a winning behaviour pattern but it's one I try to stay true to so that I can live with myself and sleep at night ;-)

    I hope that you can share more Jack as I think you are a very interesting person. How old are you may I ask? Please don't get too hung up on labels. You are who you are, like the rest of us - a miracle of nature, a unique and special individual with a purpose in this hard life that only you can fulfill. Find your dream, realise your potential and be happy :-)

    Good luck!

  • jabberwocky
    jabberwocky jackj01

    Posted

    it sounds to me like you might be a psychopath. i just say that because to be able to kill your family and feel nothing is very very dangerous and abnormal. Do you feel anything when you watch a sad movie? Does watching people get mutdered turn you on? Im just wondering because this excites some people. Have you ever hurt animals?
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