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fee25
fee25

I had my penultimate counselling session yesterday, we spoke about quite a few things and my continuous low mood. I described the source of the issues which stems from my assault and she made the obvious point of how until I let go of the past, I'll never be able to move on and feel any more positive. The thing is, you read this a lot: 'let go', 'move on', 'deal with it' but...my depression yes stems from various events of sexual assault, robbery, violence and what I have realised is ultimately, society. It seems so obvious to say, accept what's happened, accept that you can't do anything now, accept that society has so many flaws and get on with being 'happy'. But nobody ever tells you how to do that. 

How do I accept that there's nothing I can do to change my past? How do I get over the self blame and guilt? How do I just stop being depressed and hating myself and society? If I could, I really would have by now. I have tried so many things, travelling, working, volunteering, talking, I'm on medication and I have done the whole counselling thing. It's therapeutic to talk and here the opinions of others, I really like my counsellor she is lovely. But, fundamentally....I still feel depressed, I can't 'accept' these things, my mindset is unchanged and I have no idea where I'm going or what to do. How can you aim for goals when you couldn't care less about the future or success? How can you enjoy life when you feel no happiness from anything? Even things that once filled you with euphoria! 

It's different for everyone, I know that. But, how do you do these things? Or maybe, some people can't. Not everyone does I suppose. 

2 likes, 14 replies

14 Replies

  • fee25
    fee25

    Posted

    Reading it back I'm not even sure if any of that post makes sense! 
    • orange12933
      orange12933 fee25

      Posted

      It does to me.  I am constantly depressed.  Counselling only works to a point as well as mediction.  If someone wants to do something stupid in their life then they will as you can't control a human being completely.
    • orange12933
      orange12933

      Posted

      I do think there needs to be more support and funding helping vunerable people.
    • fee25
      fee25 orange12933

      Posted

      Sorry to hear that you face the same struggles Orange rolleyes It's difficult, the meds helped me tolerate things to a point, for a while, now they seem obsolete (though if I stopped I'm sure I'd find they were in fact making a difference). You can't stop people doing bad things, or holding views that are sickening and unjust, people will always do and think bad, it is true.
    • orange12933
      orange12933 fee25

      Posted

      I agree. I'm on anti depressants too. Im not sure if they work but they definately calm me down if I eat properly and spend time in the company of positive people.
    • orange12933
      orange12933

      Posted

      I think the more you try to control people or tell them what to do then the more they will try to rebel.
  • sally31431
    sally31431 fee25

    Posted

    This is not something that goes away quickly - if ever time just lessens the pain but it takes a great deal of time  and then there are relapses. 

    Depression is nasty and some of us have to deal with this all the time --helping others sometimes works -healthy food,  or antidepressants - although they too have drawbacks.  Happiness is fleeting-- but withdrawal from antidepressants is brutal. 

    • fee25
      fee25 sally31431

      Posted

      Yes Sally you are right, it does take a long time, which I suppose adds to the frustration! The issue is, I have been depressed for 15 months, that is absolutely nothing compared to most! A speck of time. But, I cannot for the the life of me bare the thought of living year after year, even decades upon decades this way. Another day is a day too many! But it is just part of the condition. 

      I haven't tried coming down or off anti-depressants yet, it's something I often wonder about doing and may well attempt soon though, they don't seem to be offering much.

  • stevo1975
    stevo1975 fee25

    Posted

    Hey Fee, I understand your feeling in my own way, I had to force myself to do things and smile when I didnt want too I did find however that music and the things I enjoyed i didnt enjoy as much anymore so I forced my brain back into those good habits, now I feel I have to work for happiness it wont tap me on my shoulder! Regarding the let go (yeah easier said than done) I would say to you that the victim fear you experienced will take time and let it take time dont be hard on yourself forcing thing sto disapear from your memory. Counsillors can only guide you trust your heart trust your instincts allow the pain to exit you over time! Find somewhere someone that makes you feel safe embrace it. Stay positive again easier said than done but the light at the end of the tunnel is there focus on the destionation not the journey smile
    • fee25
      fee25 stevo1975

      Posted

      Thank you for replying with such a lovely and thoughtful post Stevo smile

      It's difficult once consumed by depression to function everyday and even harder to put on that mask that falsely tells others that you're fine. I spent quite a lot of time trying to force happiness but I suppose it is something that doesn't work when forced! I'm glad that you found solace in your music, I actually used to play drums, that's a great way to bash out some emotion! Though my kit is stacked up at the moment, though I'm hoping to set it up and start again because I think it may be a real help! 

      It's hard after living through the real life violence of people and reality to learn to trust and feel safe again, I know it takes a lot of time to heal, I just wish it didn't have to take so long I suppose! It can seem hard to focus on the light when the atmosphere is so full of fog! You are right though, the end goal would be wonderful, I just hope it is a real possibility and not just something to get by on!

    • stevo1975
      stevo1975 fee25

      Posted

      Thats the ticket Fee smile get those drums and start jamming if anything it will distract your mind and not to mention sound great hit em hard so the neighbours hear lol You have a great attitude and you will be coping better than you think stay positive focus only on the happy stuff in your mind smile
  • yvonne15472
    yvonne15472 fee25

    Posted

    I know where you're coming from as I too have experienced the same sort of things you have. As you say it's impossible to "let go", as these people say to you. Often the awful things you've experienced are still intermingled with the present. We aren't robots (unfortunately in a sense) who can just switch off what has become part of us fundamentally. I think sometimes these trained counsellors need counselling themselves. The bottom line is though that nobody can understand any of the nasty things you've had to endure because they are unique to you, and we all react differently to all the abuse we go through in life. I don't think there are many people who can just shut it out. I believe instead of counselling perhaps hypnotism is a more practical approach in trying to help you erase your bad memories. Naturally the NHS can't afford this, so hence we have this much cheaper option and we end up feeling patronised by these trained people who aren't going to understand what we have been through at all let's face it. I know that their intentions are good though so that's something to be grateful for. We all have such different genetic make up in our bodies and we are also so unique in how we deal with all the bad stuff that happens to us we go through life, some of it dependant on the environment we have come from too. I know if I had my way I would plump for being hypnotised any time rather than have someone analyse how they believe they can best help me. I find you usually end up feeling a lot worse than before you sought the help at the start of the counselling. To hell though I'm sure it must help in some cases! We're all part of this little package that the NHS deals out to us as cheaply as possible and this is where the problem lies. Never mind the quality feel the width as they say! It's good though that you find it therapeutic to open up and talk, but not so good that it is getting you nowhere. Try and keep your chin up and write down all the positive things about your life, there must be some. Yvonne.
    • fee25
      fee25 yvonne15472

      Posted

      Thanks for your post Yvonne, that's it exactly, once experiencing trauma it's so difficult to get back to a place where you feel safe because the world you once knew was shattered! I know there are millions of lovely and harmless people, it's sad that the few awful people are what can have the biggest influence and be so detrimental on your entire life. My counsellor is definitely coming from a good place, she means well and I genuinely do really like her. It's nice to talk to her because she is in fact the only person in real life that I do open up to and speak to. 

      It would be great to be hypnotised and have my thought process changed in that way! In an ideal world at least! Yes, counselling can make you feel a lot worse, it did for me in a few ways,, like realising just how much I had to work on, feeling so lost and useless and realising that counselling really does only give so much, I suppose at the end of the day it doesn't change things fundamentally, it just helps you face what happened, but that is also painful and when you don't have the tools to then go away and deal with that emotion it can feel very overwhelming! 

      Thank you again for your response Yvonne xx

    • hypercat
      hypercat yvonne15472

      Posted

      Hi fee I have found in life that with depression often all you can do is hang on and just manage until things improve.  They always do eventually coz life is about change.   I am a lot older than you and this is my experience. 

      You are right in that you can't force your mindset to change but just getting on with life and coping can change it without you realising it.  

      As you know I have suffered depression all my life and have learnt to deal with it.   I do consider it but try and ignore it as much as possible and just get on with things.   To some extent my life has been dictated by it but hey ho I am still here and to some extent often enjoy my life.  

      There are some very nasty people in the world - let them teach you caution but don't let it overwhelm you.  What has happened to you is awful but is not a personal attack on you - it was just being in the wrong place at the wrong time that's all.  It's not your fault and you are not to blame in any way.  

      I hope you find that your depression will eventually go away and you will not have it long term.   Try and see it as a learning curve in which you learn more about yourself coz self awareness is a wonderful thing.  

      Take care sweetheart.  I am always here for you either here or in pm.   You deserve better in life and one day you will get it I promise.   You are a lovely warm caring person and good things will come to you in time even if you think they won't right now. 

      The important thing is that you are here and that you stay with us.  Big hugs.  bev xx

       

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