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I have a lot of guilt, and I am hopeless.

Posted , 8 users are following.

heidivr61
heidivr61

OK, this is my story. I am so sad as I type this I am crying. I went two years ago too go get help too make me a better person, I went through therapy, and seen a psychiatrist, and be for I seen the psychiatrist, I was seeing a psychiatric nurse, and I said meds are the last resort, well she had prescribed so many meds, but they did not work, and felt that she was at the end of her rope, so I mentioned it to my psychologist, and she had recommend this psychiatrist, so I have been seeing him for a year, and he had prescribed risperidol, and it worked for a while, then stopped, so I got off the med, and three months later the med altered me in a horrible way, I was getting suicidal thoughts, and got too the point were it was letting me sleep one hour a day and I feel it gave me akathesia. I blame myself every day for going too get help, I am so depressed I lost my personality, and smile. I feel I failed myself it even got to the point that I had too admit myself too the hospital for two weeks they found a plan that worked, and three months later it stopped working once again.I can't get off the clanozapam, or the serqual that's the only thing that makes me sleep, if I get off I won't sleep for months. Everything that use too work won't work at all anymore. :'( and I am only 33 I feel like I will be like this permanently.

3 likes, 15 replies

15 Replies

  • richard89308
    richard89308 heidivr61

    Posted

    I was on risperidone for a long time.  It did me good until I changed to something different and now I am on aripiprazole which is chemically related to risperidone.

    Anyway hopefully if you get yourself on the right track with the meds then things will improve and it sounds like you have an ok balance of what you are taking.  I am 51 and have had medication since 17 so it does go on but in some cases you just get better.

    rich

    • heidivr61
      heidivr61 richard89308

      Posted

      Hi, thanks for reading, I was only on it for 3 months, and got off of it. I just wish I never went on meds at all. I blame myself its so hard all I do is cry, and I feel horrible. It just seems that my body is sensitive too meds, and I can't find anything that works. Doctors have no clue what too do anything. I have no choice too take seraqual and clanazapam that's the only thing that let's me sleep.
    • heidivr61
      heidivr61

      Posted

      I thought more people would reply too this.
    • laura08496
      laura08496 heidivr61

      Posted

      aw heidivr, you'll get more replies. i am impressed with you, asking for help, and wondering "where did everyone go!?" i wasn't ever gonna mention my age, but for you i will.....i started taking meds when i was about 24 or25 years old. now i am 53. i am now finally on meds that work for me. but all those years beforehand, my doctors and i tryed every medication you can think of.... different meds, different combinations...ug, i was so tired of trying to get better. i truly felt hopelss at times because some didnt work at all, or they would work, and after a short while, they would stop working all together. oh my god, all the side effects,....i wouldn't have minded the side effects at all if at least the medications worked for me. i was super bummed, and hated life more than i ever had before. you know what? and this used to upset me very,very much, but i can only tell you of my expierience.....when my meds werent working, i'd complain, and people would tell me,"there is no magic pill laura, you need to start working very hard on your issues.." wtf!? that really got to me, how dare they accuse me of not doing the job on my part. for me, i cant work on a thing with my deppression so severe. i can only work on my issues, and get great results only if the medications are working, and would allow me the sanity to work on my problems. its been a long road. now i am not "cured" or anything like that. trust me, i suffer with my illness. i am working on coping with what i got. i do have some other issues that get in the way of a better life. but i am truly hanging in there. thanks for reaching out, and just keep trying to do the best you can. sorry its such a difficult process. i send you my best wishes and hope you find relief soon!!!
    • heidivr61
      heidivr61 laura08496

      Posted

      Thank you for responding, I appreciate it, and its great that you can relate, its tough too talk to people that can't relate. I have a great husband, and a 6 year old son, and he sees me cry all the time, and then he crys , and says I feel bad for you. I guess I feel if I never went to get help I wouldn't be this bad. I have been off that med for a while and I'm still feeling like I have the akathesia, and I feel its permanat, and I won't have a normal life. Ugh I never felt this bad, and I understand what you mean about what people say its like hello do you think I want too be like this? Seriously people have know clue unless they are in your situation, then they would step back, and be like wow poor thing, they would eat there words. Its good too talk to someone like you, because again you understand. And thanks for mentioning your age smile and the people I call up too talk to really don't want to hear it, I start crying because I feel lonely.
  • lynne82155
    lynne82155 heidivr61

    Posted

    Depression is a nasty illness and you can feel you are alone.

    Go back and see your doctor see if there is another AD he can out you on and continue with the therapy.

    I have lived with depression for 16 years some good and lots of bad but even though I sometimes dont want to get out of bed I try to see the positive in things.

    Try and talk to your family and friends about stuff.

    This forim is excellent for supportcool 

  • jasmine7817
    jasmine7817 heidivr61

    Posted

    Im sorry heidivr61. Dont take it personal that more people havent responded. Alot of times when im really down ill look through depression/anxiety forums without responding to anyone because it just makes me feel better to know im not alone. Depression its terrible. Its lonely and heartbreaking.
    • heidivr61
      heidivr61 jasmine7817

      Posted

      Thanks for your response, I guess I feel better, when people reply. Yes I know what you mean, most of the time, I call my husband, and talk, but he has to work, so I don't want to bother him, even though its not a bother, its just good too talk to someone that can really relate.
  • laura11452
    laura11452 heidivr61

    Posted

    Hi heidivr61

    Once I read your post I had to respond.. My heart truly goes out to you as deppression can be very debilitating. I have had it off and on for years and there are times I feel there is no end to it.  This has been my longest and its coming up to nearly two years now. I have been happy before and those are the times I hold on to because when I was depressed before I never ever felt I could get better but I did.  I have days now that I have the odd day I have laughed or smiled and those are the moments I know the real me is still in there.

    The fact the medication stops working for you is not your fault.  This is what medication does when its in your system too long.  My anti depressant has been changed three times this last year  because it is not working.. I know this has nothing to do with me. 

    I don't feel you have failed yourself going for help.  It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and deppression has a way of making you feel that your weak..If anything the strongest people get depressed because they are very good at supporting everyone else but themselves. If you where not depressed at the minute you know deep down you wouldnt be thinking so negatively of yourself. 

    Why at this minute in time do you feel the need to come off clanozapam and seroquel if it is helping you to sleep? 

    I can remeber saying to my mental health nurse loads of times that I can't beleive  I am so depressed and why is it taking so long to get better.  Now I try to not be to hard on myself as I have no control over it and Iam doing everything I can like yourself to get better. 

    Do you have days better than others? Have you laughed or smiled at all since you have been depressed? These are the small things I hang on to even if they are not that often as it lets me know things will get better. Big hug

    • heidivr61
      heidivr61 laura11452

      Posted

      Thank you, for your kind words, and for caring. I don't really have good days, I just don't want too wake up, I have a 6 year old son, and a great husband I feel bad for them, because I am not the same. I was depressed before, and it just seems like after that medication risperidol screwed me up and altered me, and not in a good way. Too the point I had to admit mysely. I just wish I could go back to the way I was before medication, I was still depressed, but not like this. The only thing those meds do is allow me too sleep, I can't get off any med because, I wouldn't sleep for days, and I feel the medication gave me more problems then I have had. I feel this is all permanat. :'( I just want my life back. Its OK to talk about you, no worries. Its good to talk to you about this. Thank you for your time. Plus I don't really have anybody too talk to, and if I do they probably would be tired of hearing me crying all the time, even know that's what true friends do, nope.
  • laura11452
    laura11452 heidivr61

    Posted

    I don't know anything about risperidone to be honest so I cannot comment.  Yes I understand it is hard to talk to people who have no understanding of deppression and it makes you feel more isolated. If talking on here is helping you a bit keep posting.  When people respond you know your not on your own going through this.  As you proably know it is important to talk and off load. If your not getting quick responses on here ring helplines to just have someone there and off load to.  
  • Sam24259
    Sam24259 heidivr61

    Posted

    Hi Heidivr I can relate to many things you talk about and it's nice to talk to people who understand. This site let's you off load your thoughts so use it to its full advantage I've never been able to talk about anything always bottled things up and found talking has really helped and this forum is great for that. Medication is trial n error all the time but I'm sure you will find the rite one for you in time try keep positive your not alone.

    Stay strong.

  • Mutley
    Mutley heidivr61

    Posted

    Hi Heidivr61

    I have no answer for you but I have read about the drug your taking, side effects and wonder how bad it was for you that they were prescribed in the first place.  I suffer from depression and sometimes suicidal thoughts.  I was under the mental health and they prescribed me something similar to this but I only took them for a short time as they elevated my liver, i was on a cocktail of drugs at the time for all sorts of problems.  My depression really spirraled out of control whilst taking medication, it was the worst time of my life.  I was taking valium, sleeping pills, ant depressants, stuff to slow your heart down, stuff to stop my stomach from ulcerating, I can't remember what else they threw at me but the last drug that i was prescribed from my psychiatrist was the worst, I ended up driving in the middle of the road and pulled over by the police. It was awful, that day I made the decision to stop all drugs, it took me months, and months but each day the clouds of dispair cleared, I am left with taking Zopiclone to help me sleep and ant acids and stuff for gyni problems.  I still get days where I get really down and I want to throw a rope over the beam and I can't take any stress.  I have no one to talk to about my problems and haven't really wanted to admit to my friends how bad it is for me at times but I cant tell you how much better I feel not on meds, I have more control over my mind and when I have really bad days I can deal with them better.  When I was coming off the pills i would have these attacks of severe anxiety like nothing you have experienced before and its really really awful, like intense fear, sheer panick, uncontrollable sobbing and this awful feeling that its not going to stop, sometimes it lasted for days and then other times it was only one day until that level of intense anxiety stopped compleetly.  I seem to handle things so much better and am glad I went through it, I did this alone without support and locked myself away.  I would say that my anxiety is still highat time but it only comes on when someone or something affects me.  The depression is always sitting in the background but its under control.  Everyone is different, i dont know what your depression is really like to advise you to do the same.  But I do want to get out of bed and I do want to have a life, my problem came from health issues. Maybe a lot different to you. I stayed on Zopiclone to help me sleep, this i still really struggle with sleep but I would say I am better than I was a year ago.  I am thinking of opening up my own business, simply becaue I can take time off when I need to for those dark days. 5 years ago I didn't know how to exist. 

    • NooNooHead1981
      NooNooHead1981 Mutley

      Posted

      Wow, your situation sounds so similar to mine.

      I was prescribed Valium, Zopiclone, melatonin etc and all didn't work for insomnia... This was after a period of really intense anxiety and insomnia last year after a mild traumatic brain injury / post concussion syndrome - all of which culminated in me being prescribed a first generation anti-psychotic for a week, by my GP out of desperation to help me. It left me with the movement disorder tardive dyskinesia (after just ONE WEEK!)

      Nobody should have to go through what we do, and anxiety and depression are dreadful things. The only med that helped my insomnia and anxiety was Citalopram but even now I'm almost off it I don't know what i'll be like in a month's time. Sleep deprivation for nearly 2 months nearly killed me and is dire, but a movement disorder is equally evil. Both are soul destroying and I am depressed at what had happened, but life goes on...

    • heidivr61
      heidivr61 NooNooHead1981

      Posted

      I know, ya life does go. I know I feel for you, and yes doctors, don't tell you what you need too know, its us that have to ask certain questions which is bs, the doctors only tell you what you want to hear, and we don't know any better we are not doctors, so we trust them. Mine didn't tell me the serious side affects, shame you on him, but he does not care, he will say you were not on it long enough for that too happen bs. Carma will get these doctors, what comes around goes around. I just pray too get better that's all I can do. I hope things get better for you I know it seems like it never will change, the littlest change will help. I wish you the best if you need to talk I'm here. Its always good to have a good Freind.
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