Depression/anxiety/colitis/stress, what next?
Posted , 5 users are following.
Only just found this site and not sure how quick people receive replies.
I'm 34 unemployed live with my parents single. Have suffered with depression since the age 11, self harmed almost on a weekly basis since then apart from when i was in a loving relationship for 18months. Currently right now this is the longest time since i was 11 without self harm and its been since Jan 2015.
I had help when i was younger and was on tablets but nothing ever helped, eventually local help was gone mainly because the only psychologist in the area knew my Mum and my mum thought it was too awkward for her so i had to go without.
At 19 i stopped my prozac as i felt num inside.
I have always been pushed into education my whole life as its the way to a good job everyone tells me. Failed everything at school due to the bullying, lucky the local college accepted me onto a course. Best 2 years I had, tutors were amazing, made new friends, met someone special. I went onto the higher course afterwards but the college replaced all the tutors, with ones who never showed up for 95% of the course. The college made a deal with the worst uni possible to take us all on but instead of 1yr, we had to do 2yrs and the college automatically passed everyone even though more than half the group didn't even do any work.
Uni was terrible, we struggled as we were so far behind, tutors ignored us, to top it off i had the stress of money as we didn't get to save any money for uni and a landlady from hell.
After uni i went back into the Summer time jobs i was doing to get money coming in whilst i look for work, couldn't find anything. Saved up 5grand for a home study course in pro web design, 2yrs later the course provider goes bust losing all my money and qualifications. Years in warehouse/factory work, never fitting in as i have a big creative mind and imagination, never been the drinking on weekends kinda guy and being small, weak, always got bullied. I was self harming actually at work. Recession happened and i was let go, my mum opened a shop which i helped with for a while, tried my own business for a while but it couldn't compete with big companies.
A while went past i lost my bestfriend Molly (the dog) i got a new office job, somewhere i felt more comfortable but still didn't fit in. The job itself was actually making me worse, on the phone all day taking abuse but stuck to it for 3yrs. I was sat next to a good man who also suffered. I got to a point where i felt i had no choice left, i got a Drs appointment, i begged for help, crying and he referred me. 3 months it took to get a letter telling me to ring this number to be put on a waiting list, if i fail within those 2 weeks of receiving the letter to go back to the Dr. My letter arrived around Christmas and as hard as it was to call, i did several times and got through to no one. Then i find out the waiting list is 18months. A year passed and i got to the point where i couldn't cope, i looked online and found a travel website, ordered a magazine and looked at the longest trip possible. I had always wanted to do a road trip across the States with a friend but no one ever had any money. I thought long and hard, a trip of a lifetime or a deposit on my own flat (even at 20k deposit id never be able to afford to anything but work) I asked my manager at work whats the longest i could have off, which was 3weeks. So i handed in my notice and booked the trip in Jan 2015. I worked til mid April and took a flight from Birmingham to Miami, met up with 10 strangers and spent the next 80 days 24/7 with them going to 48 states.
Best experience of my life. Came home mid July. Straight away the pressure was on for me to get a job again, i was kept busy with my sisters wedding coming up. September last year my friend i had sat next to for 3yrs took his own life by hanging himself at the local park. This was a huge blow to me as i always saw him as stronger than me, i honestly believe if i hadn't done the trip, i would have done something by now.
A year later and I still have no job, i have earned some money via an online matched betting thing but its not enough to live off, i cant claim benefits as i have too much savings.
I spoke to a professional via a dating site and she told me i am doing the right thing, if i had got to see a professional, they would tell me not to work and to avoid anything that does make you uncomfortable.
My Dad doesn't seem to understand though and is pressuring me everyday to just accept i won't achieve anything in life and do agency work. I feel i would end up going back to the place in my mind again and end up back where i work for over 20yrs. The stress it causes me makes me ill, i developed colitis 5yrs ago which personally i believe is down mostly to my stress levels. I struggle to date as my anxiety makes me wanna go the bathroom almost every 5 mins. If I'm lucky to have something lead anything, it affects me sexually and not able to get an erection when needed.
Don't get me wrong, i want to work, im not lazy, i write my own film/tv ideas, business, website, app ideas but no idea how to make a career out of this stuff. I have decided to start my own youtube channel but have zero support from family on this stuff.
It got to a point where my Dad told me to go the job agencies and sign up, I told him i did and that they will contact me when something is available. I don't know how im gonna keep the lie up, i had the dentist today but told them it was the Drs, could i say i was signed off work? just give me more time.
I don't know what to do anymore, my dad just contines to add more and more stress on and im trying my best to improve my life, not go back, he doesnt understand no matter how much i explain it. I'm scared im gonna go back to that frame of mind i was trapped in.
2 likes, 9 replies
donjames150 drewy82
Posted
Hi drewy82. I am 70, in the USA, and have suffered with depression since 16. Pretty much self-harmed since then as well. For me, what has saved me is working. Any kind of work. Yard work. Loading trucks. House painting. I have had so many kinds of work. Restaurant work (bussing tables, dishwashing). Gardening. I was a graphic artist in a big company for 23 years. Work is necessary. Being idle is a disaster. Do anything. Wear a clown suit and advertise in front of a business. Wash dishes. There are always jobs if you are willing to do anything. I always was so I always worked. When I was your age, I met my wife and had a daughter who is now 35 (not with the wife anymore, with another wife). Just keep going, keep busy. I was in a bad car accident 4 years ago and I have just started to be able to do anything physical. So I work an hour a day, it's all I can right now. But it is great. Gardening. Pulling vines out of a fence. I love it. When I was 34 I drove a truck that sold ice cream and candy in the neighborhoods. There are always crap jobs which are better than no job :-)
drewy82 donjames150
Posted
Buts it the jobs i been doing that have made me worse, being in a place i don't fit in or get on with other people, the anxiety, stress, the constant worry of how bad the pay is etc, it consumes me even more. I understand how work, worked for you but it has the opposite affect on me
donjames150 drewy82
Posted
It's difficult to impossible to find intelligent, compassionate work situations. I'm not even sure they exist, haha. For me, I focussed on the work, that was primary and the rest was secondary. People, money, etc. If you just have a relationship with your work, then you can find satisfaction and growth in work without letting the other stuff be more important. Unless your parents are rich, you will be a burden to them. Do you want that? You have to take responsibility for yourself even though it causes you pain. Do you think I had a good time only with my jobs? No, I worked with plenty of jerks. But you can't just fold your hand. Get back in the game. And good luck to you.
borderriever drewy82
Posted
Many people on here I suppose could write a book on their lives and in my case I was retired with a Chronic disability that is very painful, and I also suffer a Reative depression because I suffer chronic pain that has now lasted forty years
Your life has been complex and I feel you need to take stock of what you have gone through.
Life for most of us is a learning experience, we have all different lessons and we are supposed to learn from our activities.
I do not know how to help you with above, only you can decide on another pathway.
All I can suggest is give yourself one big push and let your life show you a direction to take, you may be suprised at what is on offer out there if you put your mind to it
Whatever_next drewy82
Posted
Well done for pouring this out.
I agree with Don, get a job - it really doesn't have to be like your previous ones, even if it's similar kind of work. As Don says, focus on the work more than the people and see where it takes you. Find a way to offer the creative ideas and solutions you have to your employers, perhaps get in their company a bit first (do they start earlier or work later than other staff, for instance? - this might be one opportunity). I don't mean to suck up to them, just to get noticed and show your own dedication. If you have even a small relationship first, your ideas are more likely to be considered. Good bosses should be looking out for creativity that will drive their businesses forward.
Also, exercise daily (just walking briskly for 1/2 hour is great) and eat some healthy stuff too.
Take a first step. Remember: the way to grow our comfort zones is to step outside of them.
You have in fact taken an important step posting on here. Well done - and good luck with the next step! Don't expect your dreams to happen all at once, but KEEP GOING.
drewy82 Whatever_next
Posted
Thats the thing with the area im stuck in, these jobs are the lowest paid jobs, your treated like crap, you might have a million dollar idea that could help the company, the managers have nothing to do with the agency staff and never listen to them. I've worked in many places around here and its literally the same, there is no working your way up in the company as no ones takes on agency staff anymore cuz its cheaper for them if they have a quiet month to just sack you rather than continue to pay someone.
Plus these jobs round here, dont exactly need anything creative, examples being one is just cleaning this metal stuff that gets cut, another is making sure every screw is the right size, another is squeezing baby wipe packets, putting tops on bottles. One was working in a giant freezer moving stock from one end to the other.
I try and go on the running machine but with my sister moving in, cant get to it now, far too anxious to go running outside, just hate the idea of others seeing.
Whatever_next drewy82
Posted
Can you apply for a contracted job, not an agency one?
Or get an agency one, and make yourself so indispensable with your commitment that it's a no-brainer for them to offer you a contract when the time is right to ask them nicely?
drewy82 Whatever_next
Posted
donjames150 drewy82
Posted
when I was 37, in 1983, there was a big recession in the USA, hard to find jobs. I had almost given up but gave Manpower a go. I hated using them because I knew it was contract work, that it would be temporary and this agency would get paid for my work. But it was better than what I had, which was nothing. So I took a job at Intel, a simple job. The computer chips go into a machine which tests them and sorts them and you take them out. In, out. It was full time work and I learned a little about computers. Minimum wage. After a year my contract expired and of course they let me go. But I found work in a similar company and was paid more and got full benefits as well. Which eventually led to 28 years working in computer-related work. If you really want to work, then you'll find a way. If not, there will always be a reason to find fault and give up.