Guilt & obsession with past

Can you explain the situation with more details please because I am not sure if you can hope for a helpful advice or support from anyone without making the situation clearer. What kind of biopsy did you have to undergo? Was there any anesthesia involved? Were you still recovering from anesthesia when you drank the alcohol? Do you normally drink a lot? How long ago was this. More importantly how long since you have slept? Do you have a depressive disorder? Any other health issues? Are you taking any medication currently? Why do you feel you have ruined your entire life? has something else happenned? You need to regroup and answer these to yourself if not to us. If you are feeling suicidal please call an ambulance immediately. If you have not slept for more than a day or two it is no wonder you are stuck right now. But I can''t see the full picture so pls share what you can and let's try to figure this out.

Had a prostate biopsy which turned out to be clear. But drank alchohol about a week later as above and went into urinary retention and had to have a catheter. Why was I was so stupid to drink as above. Was a local anaethesia. Biopsy was ok, but may have still been swollen. To drink now feels like a form of suicide. Didnt normally drink more than moderate amounts. ie 4 pints, or close to a bottle of wine. this was July this year. Had catheter in for a month and insomnia developed the longer it was in, until when it came out was unable to sleep. Zopiclone to sleep, diazepam to  cope during the day. Now have permamaant insomnia, medication is addictive. Have lost all conficence, am nervous no longer the person I was. Feel have ruined my entire life. Have become housebound. Live alone with no family. no friends close by. being looked at by mental health. Too nervous to go out anymore. Just dont understand why drank that much, regret everyday and walk around the house crying.

Alcohol induced urinary retention should not take 1 month to resolve. Are you certain it was down to alcohol to begin with? Because urinary retention is not all that uncommon after prostate biopsy....depending on the method used. Have you finished your post-biopsy antibiotics before drinking that time? One month (!) of cathetarization is quite an ordeal. You were probably previously stressed over the biopsy as well. Perhaps other life stresses added to the mix. So now your mind is a little chaotic - reeling. You drank a week after the biopsy not an hour after it. You didn't kill anyone and your life is not over on account of it. I sense you are aware of that, regardless of the fact that you can't relax in that knowledge right now. Have you previously been diagnosed with any mood disorders? It seems like you crashed. But I would not be so quick to assume your current state is permanent or irreversible. What is the mental health team's plan? Continue with zopiclone and diazepam? Have they tried reducing dosage? Do you sleep on zopiclone? How many hours? Do you take it every day and at what doses for each medication? How long have you been on them? And if you have been on them for a while how do you know you have permanent insomnia? You will sleep again. Medicine is not as addictive as you feel/worry right now.

Thanks for reply. Had finished post biopsy antibiotics. but why did I even drink at all! What a fool. Perhaps 4 weeks was for biopsy? Hadnt thought of that.  Never had mood probs before. Plans in process but do sleep on zopiclone though have been having on and off since end july. 7.5 mg. Have been given propropaline which gave me tinnitus and citalaprom and amitryptyline though off those now. Though suspect more on way. Still on diazepam 5 mg 2 or 3 times a day.

Feel lost.  Why did I drink at all - so utterly stupid. Cant forgive myself for ruining myself.

Your help much appreciated.

 

Retention happened night I had been drinking.

 Why did I drink so much. Such a fool. Should it have been a shorter period for catheter.

Just berate myself all the time. 

Should I take tamulosin to stop another bout of catheter.

Why did I bother with biopsy. Just go round house shouting at myself.

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Every day seems like a day in hell.

Had infection during catheterisation as well.

Catheterization infection is almost a given especially prolonged cath. I kind of know how you feel because I am big on beating myself up abnormally too, but i also know that once your current mood crashing is stabilized you will be able to regain perspective on the whole deal. This is where you must insiist on more attention from mental health team. A consult with a psychiatrist woould help A LOT to get you back on track. Your mind is now just spinning in one spot. Stuck in mud. Some prodding should move it right out of it. Especially if you have no prior mood disorder history. Alcohol increases depression and other mood/behavioural imbalances by the way. You did well to go for the biopsy - better to be cautious. You drank a bit after a week...i am pretty sure others have done so too. You had some bad luck I dare say but i don't think it was necessarily all your fault. If you feel you are not making progress you need to take all that energy you use to beat yourself up and go take it up with the mental health team. Get a psychiatrist referral. Someone needs to make a plan for you to improve not just maintain you.  

did meet with mental health team and psyhiatrist who recemmended atypical depression and setraline. which I refused. Instead on lyrica - not sure if good for urinary retention, like the dizaepam they've given me. Soon to be passed back to GP land. Still obessing on the drink though. Along with grunting. See no future at moment.

Hi...why would you refuse setraline? It can only help or do nothing. You had nothing to lose on it...It is depression with obsessive patterns. You are also spiralling rather low. Setraline is a good first choice. It is easy to fall into the trap of distrust when you are low. Is there a way you can go back and try what the psychiatrist suggested? If you get to GP land - they won't be able to help and the more you wait the harder it is. A good therapy now can snap you out of it really fast. It is a shortcut that I would certainly take if I were you. It will take a hell of a lot longer on your own.

How is it going?