Still Crazy after all these years

Lots of people tell me I'm crazy... That it's 100% panic attacks, but I think it's just that they haven't figured out what it is yet.  I've had the same pain for 35 years and it just keeps getting worse and causing me further pain.  It started with what I thought was food poisoning.  I was 28 and could not stop vomiting or having diarrhea for 4 days.  Finally it stopped, but it left me with this weird rippling sensation near my waist on my left side toward the back.  After a month or so, it didn't go away and I noticed that when I did a lot of bending I would get back pain in the same area.  Then I started feeling like there was something there when I laid on my stomach.  I went to the doc and he thought it was just musculo skeletal or perhaps ibd.  I did not have health insurance at the time.  The pain stayed... I could forget about it, but it was there all the time if I tuned into it.  Sometimes it would hurt really bad and I'd like get an attack of diarrhea and a lot of pain for a few days... sometimes even fever.  I'd panic periodically and be convinced I was soon going to expire.  When I was 40, my Dad died of colon cancer and of course, I was sure that was my problem.  So I went and had a colonoscopy and was told that I have diverticulosis, but otherwise am fine.  I've had 3 colonoscopies since, and have had polyps removed, but all was ok.  Three years ago, I had a ct scan of my abdomen and here's how the conversation went with the gastroenterologist. "he said, "no significant abnormalities, except for this ... looks like fecal matter that's getting hung up in the beginning of your intestine... are you constipated a lot?"  I told him no, quite the contrary... he says, "did we go that far with the colonoscopy?  hmmm, let me look... oh, no, we didn't"... me:  so is it a deadly cancer or what?  Him:"I don't really know what it is... how are you feeling?"  Me:  Still with the discomfort/pain in the abdomen... bloating, etc.   Him: " well, let's get you set up for the lactose and the fructose tolerance tests"...  I had them.  They were negative.  I didn't follow up.   

So now I'm 63 years old, and still in discomfort and back pain.  I have panic attacks awful and I feel like my life is out of my control because I'm constantly being pulled down into this pain and discomfort.  I've developed IBS or IBD... I move my bowels about 3-8x every day and even at night sometimes.  It's been that way for many years.  I have hemorroids now probably from sitting so much cuz I'm in pain... well, and there were the 2 babies I pushed out who were 11 and 12 pounds each.  But this colors my life.  And it's getting worse.  The anxiety is over the top.  The family thinks I'm a complete loon at this point.  Recently I've had no health insurance again so I'm very nervous... beyond nervous about getting all the tests and bloodwork.  I'll be getting insurance asap, needless to say.  I'll have to pay enormous amounts out of pocket because obamacare royally screwed us over this year.  We have our own company and hadn't filed taxes for 2014, so in January of 2016, they threw us out of Obamacare.  I didn't find out til it was over and done with.  Yes, they sent me things, but I was busy from thanksgiving to the middle of december with my mom who subsequently died.  I was kind of in a stricken state and didn't open my mail until the middle of January.  I called right away when I saw I had been thrown out of the program (the only way we can afford health insurance is through obamacare).  They told me to get all the paperwork done and call them back as soon as possible.  What they didn't tell me was that it HAD to be submitted within 60 days... so when I called back 120 days later with all the things I needed, they told me it was now too late and I would have to appeal.  I appealed.  They turned me down.  I got into such a panic with them on the telephone explaining everything through tears and yelling that I decided it would be better for my mental health to just wait until open enrollment and get in for the new year.  But I keep having issues... pain... worse than before... the back pain and stomach pain (which feels like constant dull side splint from running) is either getting worse or I'm just panicing more... ugh!  So that's my story.  I'm a giant crazy.  I can't stand myself.  My family is sick and tired of me complaining and being afraid I'm dying "tomorrow"!!!!  It's good to hear others' issues... makes me feel like I'm not alone in my crazy!

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