seem to be here a lot recently sorry
Posted , 4 users are following.
Sorry for being such a pain to everyone but this week just seems to be getting worse. Got my face to face appointment with the OHS next week got to travel 3 hours for a 30 minutes appointment then 3 hours back, can't wait!!! At least it is with the same doctor i saw last year the one I frightened as he thought I was going to hit him. Got home yesterday split my tousers cos I;m so f fat, these extra exercise classes aren't helping. Got another testing kit for this bowel testing due to blood found in the first one now I;m worried. Tried to be positive and attended the local christmas turning on of the lights that my son had arranged, saw the grandkids got over whelmed with the crowds noise and festive cheer which I just cant seem to feel. Home and receive first christmas card addressed to Mr & Mrs. That has just finished me off. Just sitting here cryng, drinking and hate life. When is it going to feel better, I keep trying but things just keep going wrong or I just can't seem to cope......I can't see the point anymore. 
2 likes, 10 replies
phyllis11904 tina89895
Posted
Hi, Tina,
Sorry, I don't know what the OHS is. I assume you lI've in the UK. Have you told the doctor how awful you have been feeling lately? Are you taking any medications right now? Maybe you need to switch meds if they aren't helping you at all. Let us know how you are doing.
Take care,
Phyllis
tina89895 phyllis11904
Posted
Thankyou Phyllis for the reply, been to the Dr;'s about 3 times in the past few weeks couple emergency appointments due to crisis, not on any meds except diazepam as and when needed. OHS occupational health service been referred to them by my employer for advice to assist me in the work place as I am struggling at times. I jsut get so fed up of keep trying and feel as if i'm getting nowhere. Maybe it is the time of year? Just need to escape!!!! but don't know how to safely.
kelly8973 tina89895
Posted
Hey sweetheart
Not spoke in a while as im having such a crappy time to with this mirtazipine. I hate being this ill all the time it drags you further and further down.
God you must have yourself worrie sick about the bowel test. I know how horrible and cruel this illness is depression doesnt care if you're fat thin rich poor. It knows no boundraies or cares what havoc it reaps. As long as it leaves destruction in its path. But we have to fight with every last breath. Im not going down wihout a fight even when im at my lowest and wish the world would just take my pain away and let me die. I know im only saying it because its the ony way i feel my pain will go. I know my kid would be scarred for life and how could i possiblely leave 3 teenage boys without the mum who does everything for them and has done herself for the last 9 years. This is the one thing i cling to. You have to have something some reason. Your grandkinds. Someone once said "life is only on loan and one day you will have to give it back"
Its a lonely place fighting somehing invisible to others but WE will get through it we have too. Xxxxx
Digsby tina89895
Posted
Hang in there Tina. It can be a really stressful time of year anyway without everything else you've got going on. Don't think about everything - just try to cope with one thing at a time. Have you had the OHS appt yet? Let us know how it goes. Sending you a BIG hug xx
tina89895 Digsby
Posted
Hey evening, I do try and do one thing at a time but you know how it is things start to grow arms and legs then get out of hand. OHS well that;s another thing, got my bus ticket all booked on Monday, phone call today they have had to cancel it for tomorrow, either get there at 9.30 or next week. So picked next week, got very angry upset as I had got myself all worked up and prepared for this then the hole opens again amd down I fall. Trouble getting my ticket changed as it was at home and they didn;t think I could change it tomorrow after the bus had left. Did get it sorted. Got shouted at by my boss for being angry as he said it is only an appointment being changed he just didn't understand I find it difficult to cope with changes. Maybe it is just me?
Thank you so much for thinking of me it is much appreciated, at least I know someone out there is looking out for me and the big hug. I do miss hugs they do make you feel safe.
hope you are doing ok sending you a hug back xx
Better go to bed I suppose, night.
Digsby tina89895
Posted
I think they're really inconsiderate and lacking in understanding to make this last minute change - I would feel exactly the same as you. Well done for coping with it. Surely your boss must know it's not just an appt...it involves travelling and making arrangements when you're not feeling your best anyway. You are entitled to your indignation. Better be worth it when you get there next week. Will that be next Thursday?
I make no judgements for how someone gets themselves through their day (especially when things get overwhelming and several days jump on you at once!) You are doing the best you can and I admire you immensely. Don't give up!
Me - I'm stuck in a rut - 2 and a half years into my worst struggle with suicidal depression. But I've got a cunning plan up my sleeve - something of an adventure for 2017. It will make or break me ;-) Hugs xx
tina89895 Digsby
Posted
I know how you feel stuck in that rut - about 2 and a half years for me too, this suicidal depression is depressing
isn't it. I hope your cunning plan is a good plan and will be an exciting safe adventure and makes you and not breaks you. Hope you will be willing to share when you are ready I'm intrigued. Gives you something to look forward too.
Ended going for a good drive last night after work in the dark out to the coast and just sitting there listening to the waves crashing over the rocks, couldn;t see anything as too dark funnily it felt comforting, weird?
Home and the world falls apartso another late night phone call as I was struggling they had to contact my gp who I saw today she has suggested going on sertraline 50mg very unsure of starting drugs again due to the side effects, I'm aggressive and angry now the last lot mirtazipine made it even worse plus she made me show her my scars and and areas of self harm very embarresing and shameful, she thinks one might be infected, said I didn't really care. Am I such a bad person, I'm a grown up why do I keep behaving like I am a teenager again, it is as if I have gone back to those years, stupid or what? hate life feel as if everything and everyone is against me, do you get that feeling too!!!
Yes it is next Thursday, see what he suggests to help me at work, plus psychiatrist Wednesday so will discuss drugs with her I suppose.
You look after yourself xx
Digsby tina89895
Posted
I'm 49 now and I've come to realise I'm a very different person to the one I was 30, 20, 10 and even 5 years ago. Life has shaped me for the better and more recently perhaps for the worse. I've also come to realise that people I thought I knew, I don't know as well as I thought I did. Similarly, others surprise me with their kindness when I've known them only a short while. We all change. Your regression to a rebellious, moody teenager may not be such a bad thing. It may be your coping mechanism. We're all different. I'm not as brave as you are ;-)
I'm planning to run away from my problems for a while. I have a friend who lives in Singapore and I'm planning to visit for a month or two in the new year. I thought it might shake me out of my rut as I've never travelled on my own before. The timing feels right and it's something I've put off for 25 years. Perhaps this is my second childhood - my rebellious phase.
Finding the right meds can be frustrating. I got fed up with all the side effects and no benefit and have been off meds for 14 months now. My psychiatrist and therapist signed me off in the spring as they said they had done all they could for me and I wasn't in a high-risk category. I felt a bit like being set adrift in a dinghy at sea without a paddle. So far i've managed to navigate clear of the rocks ;-) Something inmy life has got to change and it's no good me waiting for it. I'm going to go out and see if I can find it for myself :-)
Not everyone is against you Tina. I'm definitely for you and so are lots of people who have got to know you on this forum. It might seem a bit impersonal opening up to a group of strangers but we all share a deep connection that makes us family, because even our own families struggle to know exactly how we feel day to day. But we know and care :-) Take care and keep in touch. Big hug xx
tina89895 Digsby
Posted
How exciting good for you I hope you have a wonderful time and find yourself and return a new you, I don't think it is running away from your problems it is an exciting adventure and a brave thing to do. I hope one day I will have the guts to do something so positive.
Being set a drift in a dingy at sea without a paddle is such a great description of how I feel too I can even visage it, lost in that big bad world, stormy sea, being tossed around in those big waves, dark, at least you have managed to navigate round the rocks.
Thank you for supporting me I find this talking/typing thing so difficult as I have suppressed stuff so long or been made to feel so stupid and inadequate during a lot of my life so just keep quiet but I am getting better at it cos if I don't I really will crack up.
I really appreciate the people on here they have helped keep me alive at times.
Had a great walk with a friend from work up in the hills with fantastic scenery today, at least I had a smile on my face for a while and didn't fall over for a change.
Thank you so much to you and everyone xxx
Digsby tina89895
Posted
I envy you that beautiful scenery on your doorstep ;-)
Thanks for your positivity. I'm glad you have been able to share some time with a friend this weekend. Keep talking - it's good for the soul! Hugs xx