Depression - guilt over relationship

Thank you for your honest comments and for taking the time to reply to me. Nobody more than me sees how much she has done for me, but it is like my brain is telling me that I won't be seen to be 'better' until I get back the feelings I once had for her, and I haven't had those feelings for over a year now. Like I say to her, it's as if our relationship has went back to how it started out, friendship, and the guilt I live with daily about that consumes me.

Thank you so much Helen for taking the time to write to me. Yes, it's deeply troubling me, I feel so much guilt towards her as I see her breaking her heart and I feel that unless I can feel the way I once did towards her I'll be seen as having 'failed' and will have led her along, which I haven't, I've tried to be as honest as I possibly can about my feelings. She believes it is the depression altering my thinking, but part of me thinks it is the changed feelings and guilt which initiated the depression. It's beyond horrible, I feel like I'm ruining her life as well as my own.

Hi Jason,

Can you recall how you felt about this topic before the depression hit? 

The reason I ask is that depression is so skilled at latching onto a reason/cause which may not bear any legitimate reason for the illness. It's a bit like when women have postnatal depression and feel that they don't love their babies. This isn't based on facts, but the depression warps perspective so much, they can be convinced they can't possible love the baby and this also causes enormous distress and guilt.

also, relationships are hard work and require energy and resource you probably just don't have to give at the moment. This could be what is causing you the distress too. You would not be the first to turn away from a relationship because the depression has taken over and is trying to protect you. The question is how did you feel before the depression symptoms started?

dont know if this is helpful at all, but just a few things to mull over.

all the best x

Hi Helen, it's hard to remember now how I felt 16 or so months ago. I know I did love her, but maybe feel as if those emotions were changing. It's happened to me 3 times before in long term relationships, so feel like I've wasted her time. She has been trying to help me overcome things so much, but it's almost like the harder she tries, the worse I feel, as if I owe it to her to get better and regain the feelings I once had for her.

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself mate. You have been honest with the one closest to you so you haven't let anyone down. I remember reading a post from a chap who was in a similar situation as you. He decided to have a break from his gf and she moved on. He then realised how important she was to him but by then it was too late - she was married to someone else. I felt really sad reading it. With some things, we do hold our own destiny in our hands (other things are beyond our control and I try not to worry about those!) Let your heart seek out happiness - what would help to lift your spirits? Head in that direction and don't look back! Keep in touch.

Hi Digsby, I really appreciate your kind words. I think the problem I have with the depression is the guilt, I'm struggling to get rid of that. When I temporarily was able to 'accept' how I was feeling and not beat myself up over how I was feeling with her, it was a good bit better. I just keep conjuring up images of her being heartbroken, never recovering, and me always feeling like it was my fault. I've never hurt anyone in my life, not intentionally anyway, so struggling to accept all this.

I haven't even asked how you are! I hope you are well, and genuinely appreciate your response to me.

Relationships can be such a minefield...no matter how carefully we tread, sooner or later someone is going to get hurt. Unfortunately, depression messes with our emotions and we can't force ourselves to feel something that just isn't there. I'm not saying that feeling won't return but in the meantime, I hope your gf will be happy with your friendship. I have a similar situation with a friend - our friendship deepened into a physical relationship but I struggled to commit to her with my depression. I'm happy with the level of friendship we have now but it is not enough for her and I feel some guilt about letting her down. It is not your fault though - keep telling yourself that. And you are not responsible for the way others feel or react - that is their own responsibility. As I said before, just keep being honest :-)

What does Christmas hold in store for you? It's often a difficult time for us sensitive souls ;-)

I'm fortunate enough to be house-sitting for some friends. It comes at a good time for me as I have had a water-leak at home & it needs to dry out. At least I know i will be warm & dry over Christmas :-)

Take care & keep in touch

Hi Erica, many thanks for your comments, I am sorry for taking so long to respond! I still feel very much in a state of being 'stuck', feeling like I need to move in my life generally, but not knowing how.

Hi Jason,

I've read this whole thread up to this post... and I couldn't help but to jump in. (I'll read the rest after).  

Wow... It brings tears to my eyes to read what you have been writing in all those posts.  The reason it affects me so much is that I am in the shoes of your girlfriend at the moment.  I am 40 yrs old, married for 15 years and together with my husband for almost 20 years now.  We have 2 boys (9 and 11 yrs old).  And I can't believe that I am in the situation that I find myself into at the moment.

To give you a little bit of perspective, my husband and I have always had a great relationship.  We were the couple that everyone of our friends envied for so long.  We've always been best of friends and lovers and a great team in being parents to two beautiful and good kids.  The communication was always good in our couple as well.  

Back in 2010, my husband's mother passed away suddenly.  His father had passed away when he was a young boy (5 yrs old).  Also, I should say that throughout our years of being together, we have gone through great times, and also some very difficult times.  Not where our relationship was ever in danger but I mean that we had to live through many trying times such as financial difficulty when we were younger and just starting up, then multiple deaths in the family, sickness and depression on my part 5 years ago (but I am better now and on medication since then with no relapses).  So we've gone through our fair share of difficult times but we always came out of it on the other side as a stronger couple.

This past summer, it had been a few months that I had noticed that my husband wasn't the same joyful man that he had always been before.  He wasn't joking and making us laugh as he always did before.  He was suddently very irritable.  Easy to get annoyed with everything and everyone around him.  He would have next to no patience with the boys anymore, and he was snappy all the time with me.  I felt like I had been walking on eggshells for many months and I finally broke down one evening and begged him to tell me what was wrong with him.  I had asked him many times before, but he would always chuck it up to "being tired", or "having had a long day at work" or whatever else came to his mind at the time.  I knew all along that it wasn't the real reason, but I felt like he would eventually open up and talk to me as he had always done in the past.  So I waited.  For months.  And like I said before, during the summer months, I broke down.  We had a small argument that day, and that's when I told him that he HAD to be honest with me once and for all and tell me what was wrong with him.  And that's when my life changed forever.

He first told me that he wasn't happy anymore and hadn't been for months.  He told me that he felt lost and that he was always sad.  He said that he didn't know who he was anymore and felt like he couldn't be himself for a long time.  He said he felt "stuck" (like you also said in your last post and which resonated with me).  So that started the conversation.  We talked A LOT about it all.  Tried to get to the bottom of what was causing all this. But all he asked me for at the time was to give him some space and some time to figure things out for himself and to please be patient with him through it all.  Having been through a depression myself in the past, I understood how he was feeling.  And so I was happy to give him the space he needed.  So about a month later, in September, we had another big talk.  And I asked him how he was feeling.  His demeanor around us had not changed.  I felt like he didn't love me anymore.  He barely looked at me anymore.  I could be wearing his favourite nighty and he didn't even do a double take anymore.  There was nothing there anymore.  I will be honest, I was crushed.  I was hurting very badly.  I tried my best to be everything that he needed me to be. But nothing worked.  So one morning, I asked him to please just take me out of my misery, and tell me that you don't love me anymore.  The reason I said that, is that I knew that it was true.  I felt it.  But he just didn't want to hurt me, so he didn't want to say it.  And that morning, he said that he felt like he was "falling out of love" with me.

I was destroyed.  For me, out of the 20 years we were together, there were 19 years of that time that we were happy, and strong as a couple. Sometimes, he even would tell me that he knew he loved me more than I loved him (which was NOT true, I loved him just as much, but the point is, he was solid in what he felt for me for 19 years).  

I wasn't able to reconciliate this new reality in my head.  I was constantly trying to figure out where and when it happened?  And although we had our little problems, like in any relationships out there, it was never a worry that our relationship wouldn't survive those bumps in the road.  They were little things that would be ok again after talking it through.

And after that revelation in September he begged me to give him more time to sort through his feelings and try to get back to who he was before. So I waited some more.  And just after Christmas, I couldn't take it anymore.  It was so painful.  I love this man so deeply.  He is my whole world.  He has been the pillar of our family for almost 20 years.  He is a great father too.  Always has been completely hands on with the kids.  

We have a beautiful family together, and he had never been through a depression before.  But I know that this is what it is.  I told him about that, and although his description of how he feels is exactly the same symptoms of a depressed person, he won't admit that it is a depression.  I think that he sees it as "failing" somehow.  But no one could understand him better than I do.  I've been there.  I've felt the numbness and the constand guilt and the deep deep sadness and feeling of being lost.  I know how that feels.  And I want him to get better.  But for that, he needs to admit that he needs help.  He did tell me that he would call to make an appointment with a councillor and try to speak to someone about it.  But he said he wanted to do it "in his own time, when he is ready".  Honestly, I am not sure if that will ever happen.  It's not easy for the best of us to make that call and go to that first appointment.  But he asked me to make an appointment for him at our family doctor, which I did (it's in 2 weeks).  

He still hasn't called to make the appointment to talk to someone though.  And that really hurts my feelings the worst of all.  Because he says that he wants me to hold on, and give him time, but if I am the one doing all the work on my side, all alone (by seeing someone, and taking my medicine every day so I don't get back to where he is today) and he is not willing to do the same on his side, it just tells me that he doesn't think that the last 19 years of our life is worth giving it a last good honest shot.  That he thinks we are not "worth" it.  And I know that depression doesn't work like that.  But for someone on the outside... that's unfortunatly how it feels.

In the meantime, I made myself an appointment to talk to someone and I had my first appointment this week.  And you know what she told me? Just after talking about the big lines of how he's feeling, she said that it sounded a LOT like he was depressed.  And later, when I told her that he told me he didn't love me anymore (which he admitted after Christmas, but still wants to try to work it out somehow), she told me this: "Well of course he doesn't love you anymore!  If he is going through depression, he can't continue to love you anymore because he doesn't even love himself right now.  So how could he find it in himself to give love to you in this dark time?"  She also said that most of the time (it is very common) that the spouce of the depressed person, usually bares the brunt of the sometimes sad or scary results of a depression.  Because they are the closest person to you.  They are the ones that are in your face day in and day out.  They are the easiest tarket to blame your depression on.

What she said, reminded me of my own depression years ago.  I hadn't focussed at the time on our relationship and finding blame for my unhappiness on him, but I could see how that would have been a very easy "solution" or "explanation" for my being so unhappy.  It was just a fluke that I had many other things like 3 deaths in the family back to back to blame the depression on.  Otherwise, I could have possibly turned it towards him.  I was then diagnosed with SAD so now I blame it on the long and cold winters!  

He is also going through both his parents deaths (his father died 32 years ago and his mother 7 years ago) and again, he feels like it happened last month for the both of them.  

I feel so sad for him.  It hurts me so much to see how much he is lost and how much he is sad.  He is not the man I used to know for most of our life together.  And it's tough to see him go through this.  And yes, it is the hardest thing I have EVER had to go through in my life.  Knowing how strong our love was for each other not so long ago, and that now he feels like he is no longer "in love" with me...  How does someone computes that in their head?  Where's the logic in it?  But... that's what depression can do.  It can warp your perspective of life in general; of your feeling about people around you, even friends, and work etc.  Exaclty like Helen said.

For now, he is still living with us, and the kids have no idea of what is happening.  I don't want to stress them out if he is still unsure of what will happen with us.  But if I could give you one piece of advice as the person who's gone through depression herself and as the person who is now sitting in your girlfriend's shoes...  And I say this only because you sound destraught at the thought of breaking this off completely and losing her and hurting her (it shows that you still have love in some shape or form for her otherwise, you would just move on and not care so much about what she will have to go through).  I think that maybe you should try 2 things before making the final decision.  Give yourself the chance to talk to a doctor and maybe try medication.  It helps.  it really does.  I'm still taking Wellbutrin and it has done wonders for me.  And secondly, while you are working with a family physician and trying to get the help that he or she can offer you regarding the medication side of things, try to go talk to someone.  A profesionnal.  Start by going on your own, and then maybe try with the both of you together.  

And if-when you can honestly say that you are no longer feeling the weight of depression on your shoulders anymore and that you've tried counceling, and that even after that you feel like there is no hope for falling back in love with her, then break it up.  But at least, you will have given your relationship all the chances that it deserves, and she will appreciate you for it.  It will still hurt for her, but she will be greatful in the same breath.  Maybe talk to her about it and be honest in saying that this will be the last big "try" on your part.  And that if it's a positive ending and you rekindle the love, then you'll know that you'll have a partner that will continue to love you unconditionally and be with that person who stuck with you through hell (hell for both of you).  And you won't have to start all over again with someone else.

But if it doesn't have a happy ending and that your feelings don't change after medication and therapy, then you'll know that you will have tried it all.  She will also know that.  And she will appreciate and love you for that.  There won't be a need to feel any type of guilt after that.  Because you will have done everything in your power to try to work it out.

At least... this is what I hope can happen with my husband.  I still hope that he will make that phone call to go talk to someone, and I am hoping that when he sees his doctor in 2 weeks, that she can help him understand that there is no shame in accepting help to get out of depression.  That it doesn't mean he's "failed" just because he decides to take medication.  

I remember that I felt that way when I was starting taking the meds.  I felt like I was failing.  Like I was weak because I had to resort to that.  But a short 4 weeks after starting them, everything became clear again, the fog was gone.  The uncertainty and sadness was all gone, and I could see that I had taken the right decision for myself and for my family. 

I really hope that you can figure things out and have a happy ending with your girlfriend.  I sincerely hope that.  And whatever you decide, just make sure that it's not the depression talking.  Make sure you know very deep down, that it's coming from your healthy "self".  

I wish you good luck.  And if your girlfriend knows that you are part of this discussion already, then please tell her that I can relate with her.  I'm sure that she could benefit from being part of a forum and discussion also.  

I know that hearing how bad you feel about hurting her, certainly opened my eyes.  Because I know for a fact that my husband feels the same way right now.  He says he is not willing to give up just yet... but I hope that he really means that and that he takes the steps to first get rid of the depression.  Then he can tell me what he decides and I will have to respect that decision whichever way it goes.  I just hope that the depression will not be the death of us.  It would be a shame...

Thank you for sharing with us.  And thank you for reading what feels like became super long message on my part....

I hope that what I said didn't make you feel more guilty.  This is not my intention at all.  I just wanted you to know, that from the perspective of the significant other, that just that simple step of getting treatment before making the big life changing decision, is what I wish will happen for me and my marriage.  So that I can live in peace if it turns out not being good news.  So that I know that it was really him saying those words, and not depression.

M.