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Depressed partner of 4 years has left me

Posted , 17 users are following.

sian63173
sian63173

Hi All,

I am writing as I have been left completely heart broken and confused about what has happened to me and i need some help trying to understand or comprehend why this has happened.

When i met my partner 4 years ago he told me very early on that he had suffered from depression. Having had a mother and a sister both fighting the the disease, i had had some experience of depression and it didn't bother me. For the first year it didn't really affect our relationship and everything was great. As things got more serious and responsibilities started to arrive (moving in together) symptoms began to show. First he really struggled to hold down a job. He would start and very quickly hate it, leaving a few weeks or months later. Each time he would swear that he had just picked the wrong job- but the problems were always with the same thing- meeting new people and feeling paranoid about what people were saying about him. 

He also began becoming extremely resistant to socialising. We often argued for weeks leading up to the event only for him to refuse to go on the day. The times I won the arguement and he came he would always turn round half way through the evening and thank me for dragging him out, because he was having such a good time and he had pictured that it would be awful. 

A year ago we bought a house- he had aspiration to be a property developer and so we bought a really run down house. He loved it. We then got a dog. I  was so nervous as i was scared about what would happen if we might break up, but he was brilliant telling me that we never would break up and that he loved me and that I was the best thing in his life. 

We always communicated in the relationship- he would tell me if he had had a bad day and any problems we sat down and discussed. We told each other we loved each other everyday and i would often ask him if he was happy with us, to which he would reply that our relationship was the only good thing in his life and the thing that got him through everything else.

2 weeks before Christmas we had an arguement. I thought it would be like every other arguement we had- it wasnt particularly big but instead he rung me to tell me he didn;t want a relationship anymore. The day before he had said that he loved me and was so happy with us. The same day he quit his job. moved back to his parents and booked a trip to Sweden. He spent christmas and our anniversary in Sweden- posting all his pictures on facebook for me and my family to see of him chatting up girls.

I don't understand he was depressed had social anxiety- but now hes broken up with me he is able to go out speak to girls go travelling, things i encouraged him to do, begged him to do when we were together, but that he refused to do. Nothing changed in the relationship just one day he decided to give up our whole lives. He now says he loves me but that he needs time and he cant guarentee that after that time he will be back.

Is this behaviour his depression? If it is as the person that loves him the most in the world, I should be there for him and forgive him for all of this? Will he come back? Please any help... I don't know what to do

2 likes, 37 replies

37 Replies

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  • Sarah812
    Sarah812 sian63173

    Posted

    Hi there, he sounds like me, as I have always moved somewhere new, started a new job or relationship, loved it, then panic and bolt. Personally I hate that I do this but at least now I know I am not the only one! Anyway...

    If he has social anxiety I figure he is doing what my ex with social anxiety did- drink enough alcohol to become brave enough to meet strangers. Otherwise he woudl not be able to do it, no matter how much you begged him. He could overcome it with a lot of work but it looks to me like he is angry and trying to lash out at you.

    IF he is is anything like me, he may have had many small things build up more and more until he felt he could no longer stand it - then he bolted. I feel very sorry and sad for you both -- he was in panic and you bore the brunt of it sad

    Did something happen recently to become the straw that broke the camel's back? Does Christmas tend to stress him out? If he talks to you, can you ask him what exactly set him off? Because something did. You too may be able to sort it out. I would suggest you try to go easy on him. If he is like me, he might  have experienced some type of feeling that caused him to be absollutely terrified -- it is almost impossible to "face" this feeling and I bet he is feeling ashamed or embarrassed too. Good luck and let us know what happens!

  • Sarah812
    Sarah812 sian63173

    Posted

    P.S. It is no use arguing with someone with social anxiety about going out and being social. They are TERRIFIED of it!! Think about it this way -- would you lke someone constantly nagging or forcing you to do something you are terrified of, like pick up a huge spider or go bungy jumping? It would likely make you resent them, and I wonder if this may have happened. Social anxiety CAN be treated but you need a professional to help him and he needs to want it --it takes work and time. I hope you two can have a long talk and sort some of this out...
  • michael_37726
    michael_37726 sian63173

    Posted

    Hi Sian

    I think I understand what's going on with him because I have done the same thing in the past. I may have it all wrong but I'm only speaking from my own experience here. I will tell you what happened to me as that's the best way to explain it. I found the woman of my dreams and she really lifted me out of my depression we both fell in love very quickly and it was all so wonderful and before long we were living together and that's when things went wrong. It wasn't her or anything she done it was all me and its because I have suffered from depression for a very long time and also when something good happens to me I always think it won't last and all go wrong it's hard to explain it but I suppose it's fear and I was scared that it she was far to good for me and end up finding someone else that didn't suffer with depression ect. I got to the stage were I became paranoid that she was going to finish with me so I ended up finishing it because I couldn't cope with that fear anymore. The thing is I still love her so much it hurts and I have tears in my eyes now just writing this. It's a real hard one because I love her so much but I also know that it would never work for us because of my fear and paranoid feelings. This is really hard to explain so I hope it makes some kind of sense to you. I'm not saying this is defiantly what's going on with him but its the only way I can make any sense of it. I'm very sorry for you as you must be so heartbroken its such an awful shame

    • Sarah812
      Sarah812 michael_37726

      Posted

      Hi Michael, just curious, did you have someone "abandon" you early in your life? 
    • michael_37726
      michael_37726 Sarah812

      Posted

      Hi Sarah

      No I didn't, my parents spit up when I was about 13 but I was never abandoned. My mum and dad were always around even though we're not together

    • Sarah812
      Sarah812 michael_37726

      Posted

      Hi I was just wondering, because I have done the same thing as you, pretty much with every relationship I have ever had! I get panicked that they will leave, so I make sure I get out first. Rejection feels intolerable to me. I have always felt somewhat abandoned by my parents, even though they didn't actually do that. So I was just wondering if you felt that way as well... thanks for commenting
    • michael_37726
      michael_37726 Sarah812

      Posted

      Well you have just hit the nail on the head by saying you have to get out first because rejection feels intolerable and that just it in a nut shell that's exactly what I have been trying to say about myself. It's really horrible that we think like that and such a shame. I feel like some awful monster for finishing with my ex, I feel so guilty because she was so lovely. I also feel selfish because I finished with her because of my fears and she never done a thing wrong to me. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and I always end up in tears
    • Sarah812
      Sarah812 michael_37726

      Posted

      And how long ago was this, Michael? are you still in touch with her?
    • michael_37726
      michael_37726 Sarah812

      Posted

      It was 2 years ago I'm not in touch with her she moved abroad last year I don't even know where. One of her friends told me she was talking about going moving away about 18 months ago and she hasn't been seen since
    • michael_37726
      michael_37726 Sarah812

      Posted

      Anyway that's all in the past now so no point in me worrying about it and also I believe that everything in life happens for a reason.
    • michael_37726
      michael_37726 Sarah812

      Posted

      How are you feeling today? Iv got a doc appointment this morning so she will get a piece of my mind. I'm very angry about the way I have been treated by the pill pushing doctors and what then drugs have done to my health. I was always told by them that I need to be on them drugs but now I'm off them I know different. I wish I could get compensation for medical negligence. I worked out the other day that over the years I have lost about 100k in wages through the amount of time I have had off work because them drugs complete debilitated me and the result is that I'm living in poverty with debts up to my eyeballs and constant visits from bailiffs ect
    • sian63173
      sian63173 michael_37726

      Posted

      Hi Michael,

      Thank you for replying. If she's anything like me she didn't shut the door firmly behind her... she probably left it ajar praying that one day you'll come back.

      I wish that this has been the reason for him leaving, however I have a slightly different theory. I think he knew I would never leave, I made sure to be honest with him all the way through our relationship and reinforced how much I loved him all the time. H efelt like he had missed out on something, he always felt like he was missing out on something. He was like this in every area of his life- he would make a decision and then feel like he was missing out on the other option. If I'm honest I always wondered why he didn't feel that way about our relationship, but I guess he was feeling that way and never told me. 

      I have a feeling all of this is about the grass being greener... and thats why I can't see him right now as I think he is on cloud 9 about his trip to Sweden and the reality of life probably hasnt set in

    • Sarah812
      Sarah812 michael_37726

      Posted

      She hasn't been seen since? Weird. Anyway, a great resource for getting over relationships (or any loss) is a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook. They also have a website. It helps you really process the pain so that you actually can heal.  smile
    • Sarah812
      Sarah812 michael_37726

      Posted

      Wow! Good luck, actually you probably are there already since I am many hours behind you smile

      How did it go and what did she say? There are doctors here who are very cautious about doing what is by the book because they are afraid of getting sued. Perhaps this is what she did. 

      How are you feeling off the drugs?

      If I reduce my effexor by even a tiny amount I get depressed. And unfortunately my cat has hidden one of my pill bottles!

    • stacy11425
      stacy11425 michael_37726

      Posted

      Michael,

      I'm hoping you will get this message a year after you posted this, as I just found your response. I am wondering if there is anything I can do to help him and possibly get back with my ex. We broke up 2 days ago (out of the blue in my eyes). You still had feelings for this girl years later and if I was the girl and could change it I would. That is part of the reason I am writing. Is there a way to get through the anxiety and depression to him? 

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