Posted , 36 users are following.
HI, this is the 1st time i have basically reached out for help. I'm a very private and frustratingly stubborn person. But i desperately need help. I have a serious case of Depression and Anxiety. Saw a GP a few weeks back. Diagnosed me with his handy little checklist and gave me a stress relief booklet and sent me on my way. Even after sharing that suicide is on my mind everyday.
I'm 23, unemployed, still staying at home with my mother and have had Depression for the larger part of my life. Though my family don't know about the Depression and Anxiety. Won't be telling them.
I have been looking for help for months but things take too long. Plus i have limited internet access and can't phone any specialists in fear of my family finding out.
I hate to admit it but i'm scared. I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to even live my life.
I've had a rough and confusing childhood and painful teens. Not the worst, but bad enough to mess me up this bad.
10 likes, 52 replies
Michael89
Posted
Continuing. My Depression is at a level now that i feel... lifeless. Probably the best way to describe it. No energy, feel numb and as if i'm in a dream every day. I hate myself for being like this. Feeling alot of pain (not physical. Well not always) even with just thinking. Its all i do. Think about the past.
I have 2 family members who have commited suicide in my lifetime. Both males. 1 i knew pretty well. I think about it myself regularly. Hanging is the 1 that i can't get out of my head. Everyday. I'm scared that i'll give in and just do it. I've had a fear of harming myself. That fear is starting to fade now as i purposely restricted my breathing an hour ago in a sence of giving up. Not very productive. But the intent was there. I don't see myself getting help in the near future. And that scares me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
Michael.
Gerry_the_neck
Posted
Thought I'd put in my penny's worth here. First of all, I think you need to set yourself a goal. Every new day there's a 50/50 chance that your depression and anxieties might improve for the better, and it wouldn't be right to deny yourself that possibility. Sometimes we are overwhelmed by a negative exaggeration of our own worth, which, when the cloud lifts, makes us wonder how we ever allowed such thoughts to dominate. We all have the ability to think well of ourselves but sometimes it needs a 'key' of understanding to actually switch our thinking from automatic negative thoughts (ANTS) to something more positive. Personally, I survived a similar situation to yours by forcing myself to believe that I alone was master of my own thoughts and I insisted to myself that negative thinking was doing me no good...i.e. it was my choice which mindset I allowed to dominate my thinking. Gradually, the momentum of denying my negativities, forcibly if necessary, brought me back to a better sense of worth. While I was depressed I wasn't assessing myself properly, but couldn't see this.
So, give yourself time and set some goals, and hopefully, things will change without having to make major adjustments.
poppet_doll
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Gerry_the_neck
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mollysox
Posted
Take care
Allan21CHCKNPX
Posted
Michael89
Posted
I don't feel any better. Definitely feeling worse. It seems that you have to search around for help on your own as the doctors are well and truly useless. I've been trying to get help for depression for too long. And at this point in time i haven't gotten any help. The doctors tell me there isn't alot they can do. A doctor with the NHS was shock with this in regards to the area where i live, said there should be more that can be done then basically gave me nothing. Its painful to see how little people actually care. Something i find difficult to understand even with the environment i grew up in. Had to look for help myself. I called COPE. Made me an appointment. But i wont beable to make it as the journey is a bit much. It seems there is no help closer to home.
Michael89
Posted
As to the suicide. What you said is 1 of the reasons why i am still alive today. The fear of my family finding me. But i already have my own ideas to avoid that. I've had alot of time to think. Too much time. I've even sat for hours mentally planning it. Not nice. But neither is being alive when you feel so dead. I feel i probably am closer to acting on ending my own life. But the fear is still there. Mostly the fear of the future. Not my own. But my mothers and 2 brothers. I'm the older brother. But still. Why should i have to suffer being alive when it's not what i want?
I don't enjoy life. I never have. Happiness is another thing i don't understand. Its foreign to me. I feel like an empty shell. No emotion anymore. Only feeling is pain. I see no way forward. Even then i still don't know what to do. Never was good at making decisions.
trevor_02542 Michael89
Posted
marareta
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maurice1
Posted
Please share your burden with others.
martin2
Posted
It sounds as though life is extremely hard for you right now. You paint a vivid picure of how hard it is for you to keep going. Although Samaritans (non-religeous in spite of name) won't give you advice they will listen to you in confidence about the feelings you are experiencing and help you explore any options that might come out of a contact. It is not easy to make the first call but I have a feeling this might be helpful to you. If you do I wish you luck. There are branches all over, but the main number is 08457 909090 at local call rates.
Martin
alexandra1
Posted
samuel50
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ben2
Posted
Your fear mixed with numbness sound awful and the fact that you seem to be trying to cope with this on your own must make it a million times worse.
I think talking might help you and as Martin suggests calling samaritans might be worth a try. All that stuff bottled in going round your head needs to go somewhere. It can also help feeling less alone knowing there's someone out there who cares enough to listen.
Your GP doesn't sound very helpful. I suffered from a period of depression a few years ago and basically went and asked for antidepressants and after a couple of weeks started to feel like a different person.
They can really help and with counselling to help come to grips with the pain of your childhood life can get much better. But taking that first step and finding the energy to help yourself can be really tough.
I hope things get better for you.
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