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depression/anger/self hate after abortion? please read. :/

Posted , 13 users are following.

anonymousgirl21
anonymousgirl21

sorry that this is so long.

i had a medical abortion in september. me and my boyfriend had only been together for 3 months.

i had always been completely against having children. i just didn't want any. then when i fell pregnant, everything changed, i wanted to keep the baby. maybe my maternal isntinct kicked in or something. but i genuinely cared for what was inside of me. 

i'm not going to paint my boyfriend in a bad light here. he did kind of push me a little to have the abortion, he said it was for the best. he didn't want to have a child when he couldn't provide support, he is currently studying at uni as am i. eventually, i made the decision to hae an abortion. it all happened so fast, i found out and then a few days later i've made an appointment. i became completely numb to the situation and just went with it. i expressed to my boyfriend how i felt when i first found out. after that, i didn't even talk about it, neither of us did we just carried on as normal.

i took the first pill, my boyfriend came with me. he asked me how i was then he went off and got on with his day. i took the second pill the day after, he stayed with me during the physical process. he asked me how i felt. i didn't know, i said i felt relieved. i think at first i did. and we went on our ways as if it never happened. we literally just didn't speak of it at all.

so nearly 5 months have passed and i have gone through so many emotions. i have felt upset, i have felt guilty. i began to resent my boyfriend, i blamed him for putting pressure on me. i blamed him for not supporting me emotionally. i feel like he thought that once it was over, that was it. but it wasn't for me. i think about it everyday, i torture myself with it. i replay it all in my head; the day i found out, taking the pills, the pain i went through. i imagine the pain the foetus went through. it makes me feel so sick.

i have kinda stopped resenting him in some ways. he was scared. and i was responsible too, in no way did he force me to have the abortion. if i said i didn't want one, he wouldn't have forced me to. he would probably have broke up with me out of fear, but i know he wouldn't have forced me to have it. so i have accepted that i am part responsible for the decision.

but i can't deal with that. i am getting so angry and i literally hate myself. i get to angry at the awful decision i made and then i eventually cry. i have had thoughts of hurting myself when the anger and emotion becomes too much. i haven't as of yet. 

i'm exhausted all the time. i feel like i can't talk to my boyfriend about it. i have brought it up a few times but i just feel guilty. i feel like i should be over it by now, he seems fine, why aren't i? i feel like a burden to him so i never bring it up. but at the same time, i get angry because i just wish that he would be there for me. i wish he'd listen, i wish he'd hold me. i wish he'd tell me how he feels/felt about it. but how can he listen to me if i don't say anything? i'm getting mad at him for something he has no idea about.

i'm honestly fed up and want this feeling to go away. i feel like i need to grive but i don't know how. i don't feel that i even have a right to grieve. i didn't lose anything, i voluntarily gave it up. i killed by baby. i'm a murderer. murderers do not deserve to grieve. every time i get close to feeling upset, i get angry at myself because i don't deserve to feel sadness. i'm a terrible person.

i honestly can't see a way past this. and i'm getting so mad at my boyfriend when he doesn't even have a clue what is going through my head. he's not a mind reader. but i can't find a way to bring it up. i cannot talk about it, but i need to. there's so much i want us to talk about. i want him to help me through it and be there for me. but he's over it now. i don't think it affected him at all. but at the same time, not once did i ever ask him how he was feeling. 

i hate myself. i'm done here.

4 likes, 20 replies

20 Replies

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  • brooke68006
    brooke68006 anonymousgirl21

    Posted

    I realize this is an old post, but I am going through a similiar experience and I suppose I am looking for some form of comfort as I am dealing with a stormcloud of emotions I was not expecting to experience. I am 25F, graduated from college, in a loving and suportive relationship of 3 years... we simply weren't ready to be parents. We made the decision together, and now that it's over with, I am full of resentment. I feel like I am viewing my experience completely differently than I did when I was amidst everything. It's only been a week or so but I feel so violently angry at times, and it seems to come out of nowhere. I am curious to see where you are at now, how you and your boyfriend are doing if you're still in a relationship, and how you are feeling about your experience. I am so sorry you had to go through this, and I want you to know you are not alone in what you were feeling because I am feeling this way, too. Virtual hugs and well wishes xoxo

    • Sad94350
      Sad94350 brooke68006

      Posted

      Hi, I’m here and in the same situation, I felt backed into a corner and only just went through with it after freaking out in theatre, why did they still go through with it? I keep asking myself... “it’s for the best” said my husband, I freaking hate the world right now. I’ve never felt so bad about anything, nor have I been through anything as hard. How to survive this is something I’m so stuck on 😪

  • gabi32298
    gabi32298 anonymousgirl21

    Posted

    Hi

    I seen this post an I can relate to it on so many levels. I had my abortion nearly 6 months ago, I found out I was pregnant just after I left my partner of 6 years. We already have one child together, who is nearly 2 and I couldn’t face bringing up another child on my own and I wanted to give my little one that I already have, the best life possible. So I had the abortion and it hurts like crazy everyday I find myself saying sorry to it in my head, I’m being tortured I know it sounds crazy but I loved it so much and I’d give anything for it to be still with me. I’ve booked an appointment for the doctors, to see if I can get some professional help. As I did it for my little one and this is not helping him. How do you feel now please tell me it gets easier. 

    Thanks x 

    • RyLeeShae
      RyLeeShae gabi32298

      Posted

      Did counseling help you? I am in a very similar situation. I’m 21 and I have two children that I have raised completely on my own(with only the states help) & recently I had an abortion because I was working(finally off the states money) & I got pregnant by my ex boyfriend(my other children’s dad) and I knew I just felt so alone and lost, like I didn’t really have a choice because I would have to raise another one on my own and I felt like it would ruin my other kids life and I would have to worry about bills and being able to buy diapers and food, but since the abortion I’ve cried everyday. I want it back so bad and I feel like the worst mother in the world even tho I’m always there for my children. I just can’t get past it and of course I’m on my own with my grieving(which I don’t feel I deserve to do) it’s just really overwhelming. 

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