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feeling suicidal but don't know what to do

Posted , 11 users are following.

absjbs
absjbs

I lost the number for the crisis team and dont know the name of the team I was under. I tried samaritans but it doesn't work because they dont offer any advice. too scared to go to a&e because last time was traumatic waiting there for 12 hours whilst being verbally abused/threatened by other patients. My gp is closed until tomorrow. All my flatmates are away for the next week and I just started on quetiapine/mirtazipine and am still adjusting to it. Emotions are all over the place and I feel so alone with no one to turn to. Last night i wrote a suicide note and i have a plan about what i will do and am scared that i will do it impulsively once i get the courage. I really don't feel I can keep myself safe but am worried that I wont be taken seriously now I've been labelled as bpd. They will just think im attention seeking. Thats not my own view but I've worked in mental health and have too much of an insight into their attitude towards people with bpd, andive heard what they say behind peoples back.

1 like, 25 replies

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  • jim48507
    jim48507 absjbs

    Posted

    Can you call another suicide hotline right now?  If you don't want to go to an emergency psych hospital try to find someone you can speak to.  If you really feel like you're going to kill yourself than you might need to go to emergency even though it's unpleasant waiting there.  Try some relaxation techniques and say to youurself "I won't kill myself today".  Every day until supportive people are more available for you to talk to.  When you get those self destructive thoughts, put them off and say "not now not today".  Hang in there.
    • absjbs
      absjbs jim48507

      Posted

      Thank you. I dont feel able to ring the suicide line again every time I ring I freeze. Im fustrated at myself for being back here again I just feel like such a failure and a burden to everyone. My friend said the other night that she didn't feel she could talk to me about her problems because she and my other friend dont think I could handle it. That hurt a lot and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. My other friends said they'd prefer me to move out because they didn't want the burden of worrying all the time about my safety and that it wasnt fair in them. And they're not wrong. I am a burden.

      People said to stay alive things will get better. Its all out in the open now they said and things will get better. But after a couple of weeks everythings pushed under the rug again and im back lying about how I feel and pretending to be okay because everyone else has stuff going on and I don't want to burden them.

      I know they'd care and they'd be upset if I killed myself but at this point in the long haul me being alive isn't fair on them. And it isnt fair in me to have to stay alive even though nothing gets easier. Lqst time I was in hospital they said this is the start of your recovery you will get the help you need now. It was lies. Nothing has changed and im recieving no more help than before. The mental health services are too ovrrstretched to deal with me and there are other people who deserve help more than me. So the only option I see now is death. And once I get over my fear I will do it.

      I'm sorry for the rant but I have to vent my thoughts somewhere

    • hypercat
      hypercat jim48507

      Posted

      Very good advice Jim.  That's what I do when I am suicidal - I just say I am not going to do it today but might tomorrow.  Then make the decision again the next day.   That means instead of chewing endlessly over it I can relax and chill out for the day.  

      Try it please as it does work.   Bev x

    • absjbs
      absjbs

      Posted

      Also I say to myself every day "not now not today" and the last six years have been wasted thinking that because nothing changes. I'm waiting for my life to start but its like treading wateer I never make any progress
  • absjbs
    absjbs

    Posted

    Im sorry I appreciate your advice but this is what is going on in my head. I only fustrate health professionals when I say things like this because there is no answer. I feel like if I carry on being honeest I will eventually drive away even people who are paid to treat people like me. I always think about a desperate man I had whilst working in cmht who I felt so sorry for because he thought the same way as me and was too scared to end it but there was also nothing anyone could do to make him feel better. He was stuck in hell. And all the other health professionals branded him an attention seeker, a burden to his family, a waste of space. Thats what I know I'm like and I know that is my future and thats painful to think about
    • caroleUJ62
      caroleUJ62 absjbs

      Posted

      What is it about working in mental health that makes people suicidal. Is it the constant proximity of so many other suicidal people? One of the recent times I took an overdose there was a girl there who had just tried to kill herself who had worked as a mental health nurse for a high security mental health unit for five years.

      You can feel different. I have been suicidal alot recently and in a unit and under the care of the home treatment crisis team. I've just been discharged in agreement with them and me, as I think - I know I'm getting better. It might not last, but its a matter of coming to terms with problems you just couldnt face, and need to adapt to. In case some real and unpleasant but not dangerous physical health problems.

      Actually my experience of the mental health professionals is that they really do care and do everything they can to help.

  • hypercat
    hypercat absjbs

    Posted

    This is the depression talking,  you are as worthy as anyone else who needs to be helped.   You are not this man,  you are you not him. 

    There is only so much anyone can do though either friends or professionals so I don't know what else I can say to you.  

    The only other thing I thought of is you saying you are waiting for your life to begin.    If you think like that you will wait forever.   You have to start making changes in your life before it can get better. 

    Look I have been depressed all my life and have sought therapy and been on meds and am still on them.   I hit rock bottom in my late 20's and decided I had a choice -  I could either kill myself and get it over with,  or I could give myself a chance to live a life I could deal with and at least find contentment if not happiness.   I had nothing to lose after all so started making small changes in my life.  After a while all the small changes made bigger ones and before you know it I was feeling quite a lot better.   My life wasn't and isn't perfect now and I had to sacrifice a lot to continue with my life but I did.  Mostly I am glad.  Not all the time but mainly and that is good enough for me.   

    I hope you can do this too.  Bev x

  • chris14174
    chris14174 absjbs

    Posted

    Phone gp today don't give up I've been where you are and have survived please please seek helo or go to a and e x you're worth it you're unique xxx:-)
  • absjbs
    absjbs

    Posted

    Thank you guys smile I have managed to fight it so far, mostly by taking extra quetiapine to knock me out so I can sleep it off. Probably not the best way but it's better than the alternative. I still feel really low though. Have got a doctor's appointment tomorrow but I always come out of there feeling a million times worse because they don't offer anything other than ask me what i want from them and tell me to come back in a couple of weeks. I know there is nothing they can do but I want to feel better and no one can do that for me and it fustrates me to think about it. I cant keep going round in circles like this but everytime I start to feel better I have a nagging voice in my head telling me I don't deserve it. I know cbt is the only way but the only thing is that voice that always stops me from making progress. Hoping the quetiapine will start to take effect soon. Not expecting miracles but hopefully it will level my mood out a bit because im all over the place at the moment!

    Has anyone on here been diagnosed with bpd? Although im not 100% sure I agree that I have it but I was wondering if anyone had any tips on how to manage the overwhelming emotions? Would be great to hear a positive story that would give me a bit of hope.

    Thanks smile

    abs

  • absjbs
    absjbs

    Posted

    btw can I just say thanks to everyone on this forum you are the only thing getting me through this tough patch and just having somewhere to vent helps so much. Although im sorry if my ranting is annoying!
    • hypercat
      hypercat absjbs

      Posted

      Hi you rant as much as you like love if it is helping you,  we all do it and that's part of what this forum is for after all. 

      I am glad you are staying with us and that we are able to help in some small way.  

      It's great to be able to talk to others who understand isn't it?  You are not alone any more.

      Bev x

    • Digsby
      Digsby absjbs

      Posted

      Hi buddy,

      Well done for hanging in there and taking one step at a time. There's nothing wrong with putting your life on pause when it gets too much to cope with. Don't let anyone else pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. During depression, it seems easier to feel hurt by those closest to us as they are the ones we most depend on for support. It's ok to wear your mask and pretend things are ok as they are the ones who can't cope and are unable to offer you the help that you need and deserve. But don't give up on everyone just yet. I find i can share some things with friends and family, but just what I think they can cope with. I've only ever been able to tell my psychotherapist about my suicide note. Choose the people who you feel you can be honest with, and don't bother with anyone who has let you down (until they prove they can be trusted again). Please try to be more gentle with yourself. You are not a burden - you are a strong, sensitive and special person. One of a kind :-)

      Sounds like you have a lot of experience of mental health as a service giver so you have a lot of preconceptions and inside knowledge. This isn't always helpful as you are judging yourself too critically and comparing yourself with other "cases" you have known. You are not a statistic or just another "case". Yes, the health service is stretched and many of us wait far too long to receive the help that we need, but in the meantime we can help ourselves and kickstart our own recovery. This process may not be a straightforward easy road so don't give up if the journey hits some bumps along the way. Is there anything you can focus your energy on that would relieve the stress/boredom/tension? Don't laugh but I have been channelling my inner baker and been making cakes, etc. I have also been making the most of the good weather and getting out more (tho I still have the stay inside days - that's ok - I allow myself to do as much or as little as I have energy for as long as I'm achieving something, however little, each day). I have done some voluntary work in the past to help my self-confidence. It can really help to focus on the needs of someone else and making a difference in their lives. This can put your own needs into perspective and allow you permission to meet those needs because we are all equally entitled to this.

      Sending you all best wishes and hoping to hear from you soon. Stay strong buddy :-)

      Digsby

  • absjbs
    absjbs

    Posted

    Thanks Digsby for your lovely reply. Unfortunately had a bit of a setback last week and took an overdose. I had a large amount of leftover meds which would have definitely done some serious damage had I took them all, but as I was taking them I just thought what are you doing you idiot and thought how much I would hurt friends and family so I took myself to a&e. Stayed overnight till my heart returned to normal and seen bu the crisis team. But annoyingly by this point the meds had sent me into a state of euphoria and so I came accross as fine to the mental health nurse who deemed me fine to go home without follow up. The next day I was right back to feeling low and have since had good days and bad.

    I didn't tell anyone about the overdose because I felt too ashamed. I've felt really anxious over the last week and haven't left the house. I also have noticrd that I get no pleasure from anything anymore..I hate socialising with my flatmates because it's so forced on my side. I applied for some volunteering jobs today but just know I'll bottle it and not turn up. I'm stuck in between needing a sense of purpose but then avoiding things that would give me a sense of purpose, or not enjoying anything when I do it.

    very frustrating having no motivation to do anything because I know it wont give me enjoyment. But then doing nothing isnt helping either! But I will make an effort to do some volunteering in the hope that it does give me some satisfaction by helping others

    • elouise
      elouise absjbs

      Posted

      Hi. I feel your pain and I am feeling the same. It's like being stuck in hell. Whatever I try these thoughts won't go. How. Old are you and how long have you felt like this? I too have stopped socialising as its so hard to pretend and am now off work through this. Sleep is the only thing that gives peace. The hardest thing g is I decided to get help but I now know for sure that it's only me that can do it, no-one else. But I can't! So where do you go from there??

      We have to be strong for those around us and we must keep trying and live for the good days but it's so hard, I know exactly how you feel, you are not alone even though it can seem that way.

      How are you feeling this morning?

      Much love xxx

    • absjbs
      absjbs elouise

      Posted

      Hi elouise. Thats exactly why I fely like just giving up and ending it all! Because I realised that no one could help me! But then when I realised I couldn't kill myself either I thought that now I have to step up and at least tru and get better beca u se death was no longer an option. And I was actually feeling really positive for once. But a week later and im back tk feeling frustrated because no one can help me and no matter how hard I try I dont feel better sad

      So I know exactly how you feel and its not a nice place to be! But I think you just have to take it day by day and not think about the future and how you think it will never get better because you're only torturing yourself and you dont deserve that! Now if only I could take my own advice!!

      im 21 and have always been anxious from when I was a kid I used to go outside when my dad was cooking incase it set on fire, sleep with a knife under my pillow incase I got kidnapped, worry about the electric appliances setting on fire! But only since I moved away to uni in the last few years have I felt suicidal, and its because I worry so much that no one likes me and im boring etc, also that I will never be good enough to get a job and live like a normal person. And now I just feel depressed because ive cut myself off from so many people and have stopped working because it got so bad.

      What about you? How old are you and has this been going on for long?

      Hope your okay and feel free to rant to me because sometimes thats all you need smile

    • elouise
      elouise absjbs

      Posted

      You're first paragraph sums it up in a nutshell. Trapped. Where do we go from here.

      The only option is to keep going and never give up hope. I'm 43 now and have a daughter a couple of yrs younger than you. When I was about your age I felt like u do now and nearly gave in but I didn't. I have had some amazing years and for that I am so grateful. The fact that I feel like this now is soul destroying but I still Had those yrs and two amazing kids, lots of fun and laughter and I hope to get that back. I know it's there somewhere!

      At your age I felt like you said u do, boring etc but I slowly grew in confidence and things improved. I've always sort of felt different and not as good as other people which can be debilitating but u can still function. You have done amazingly well to go to uni with it problems. What are u studying? And where are u? Xxxx

    • absjbs
      absjbs elouise

      Posted

      Hi elouise. Not been having a great time of it at the moment but its good to hear that even though you've experienced this for years you've still managed to do so many positive things with your life smile sorry its not great at the minute but if youve overcome this before then im sure you will again.

      Im studying occupational therapy which I do really enjoy but my mood has always got in the way and ive missed a lot of lectures and had several attendance meetings because of it. Redoing third year in september but at least uni are finallu being supportive after my stay in hospital in march. What do you do? Have you been off work for long?

      Xx

    • elouise
      elouise absjbs

      Posted

      Hi, sorry your still not so good. You do so well to stay at uni as I said before, u must be very determined and I hope that will see u through. Which uni are u at, is it far from home? Are your family supportive?

      It must be hard to be away from them when u feel like this. I really feel for you. I've been off for about 6 wks now and I can't imagine going back how I feel atm but I'm hopeful it will change. Time to think is horrendous when u feel like this. Do u feel it meds are working at all?

      Xxx

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