Finished 16 weeks IPT therapy
Posted , 4 users are following.
Well I survived the 16 weeks attended every appointment talked through a lot of things, especially the caring of my late husband, death, grief, cried, screamed, got angry, frightned felt as if I had given away some of the stuff running around inside my head. told her things that I have never told anyone else or likely to again. On my assessment sheets completed every week my depression has not really lifted my scores varied between 19 - 22. suicidal self harmingthoughts always quite high, worthlessness, sleeping, eating habits all high too. I've got to have superficial conversations with people to interact and not isolate myself, chose who i want to show my emotions to as I had hidden then for years, i went from one extreme to another, Not sure what i'm writing really. Get to the point I have arranged to go and see my sister end of the week back in time for my grandsons 8 birthday, the plans that have been going around in my head for a few weeks now are after seeing everyone to disappear for a while just drive away and escape to be alone. I'd left a card at work thanking them for their support over the past two years and apologising for my behaviour, as I have walked out leaving people in the lurch, if i'd upset anyone I was truely sorry. It felt like a goodbye. I don't know if I want to return, I'm putting on the brave face act again pretending everything is better. Going through the motions. i've even paid for my funeral the other week, I don't feel suicidal but I am calm and feel organised. I just feel so tired of keep falling down the deep dark hole, I want to get off this roundabout for a while and have a rest, sleep for a month or two. It is so tiring putting on this face that everyone family and friends want to see. I've got a few weeks before I see the psychologist who is taking me back on following this therapy, discharged from cpn but CMHT are still on my crisis plan if needed. Better stop waffling here I'll be sending you all asleep,, not really sure just needed to put something down I suppose....Thanks for listening x
2 likes, 5 replies
barbara22845 tina89895
Posted
Im so sorry for your loss and I know the feeling of loss. Putting on a brave face may not be necessary. If your family knows how your feeling, perhaps they could help. It's hard to go on as nothing has happned. You have to give yourself a break. It takes time to adjust to the situation. Some people take longer than others and thats fine. There is no set pattern. Do you have a place in your area for a depression group. You would feel comfortable around people that know about depression and they don't judge. We need to help each other. If not perhaps you have a close friend to confide in. Are you on antidepressants. Therapy and medication will help. Please give yourself time and know that it does get better. You have to proceed in small steps and look forward. One day you will look back and be amazed at how far you've come. Continue to post, ask questions or do what ever you need. One day you will be helping someone else. I hope you feel much better soon.
tina89895 barbara22845
Posted
Thank you for replying, I don't think i could go to a group it's taken me ages to open up and talk to people on a one to one groups would be a no no. I don't have that many friends and wouldn't call them close friends i have confided in two but I always feel as if I am a nusiance and feel inadequate and stupid so don't say anything. That is what part of the therapy is about interpersonal skills and gaining confidence in myself. Been on several medications for just over a year still felt the same or even worse so between me and psychiatrist stopped them slowly that was last December. I have come a long way already but keep falling backwards. I hope following on from all my experiences I will one day have the confidence to help other people.
stevo1975 tina89895
Posted
Hi Tina,
Congratulation son getting thru the therapy thats quite a achievement even if you dont think so its very brave to front up and unlesh your inner secrets to a complete stranger so good job. I hope you find the spin that makes life seem normal, you need something to keep you enthusiatic if anything something to train your brain to be productive in some way? Kee p us posted on how things are there are some strong and fantastic people on this forum prepared to listen take care
tina89895 stevo1975
Posted
Thanks Stevo, I do feel as if I have actually acheived something I contributed a lot which she did praise me for and really appreciated the effort I put in, I knew I had to otherwise there was no point, she wasn't a complete stanger has I had dealings with her when i was admitted into hospital for a while and I felt a connection with her then, these were very open, honest unjudgmental meetings even when she really pushed me mentally out of my comfort zone and I got to the point that I wanted to attack her (didn't) but owned up which took a lot of guts for me but which she appreciated that too.She did say that meeting made her quite anxious too. she did do a good job and listened, noticed a lot of things too as all meeting were recorded and she listened to them afterwards.I know that's their job but I felt she actually cared and wanted to help me which some of the experiences other people have mentioned on these forums had aren't very good. I do want to get back to being me or something like me and not the messed up useless, angry, pathetic, hateful person that I think I am. I do appreciate this forum too took a big effort to come on here many moons ago, and hope one day I will be able to confidently assist people too. Sorry i'm rambling again.
Digsby tina89895
Posted
Well done Tina & thanks for sharing. You have come a long way. I can't imagine how difficult the grieving process is but I know a lot of folks on this forum will know exactly what you are going through. The break sounds like a good idea - it might be time to start a new chapter in your life. There's nothing wrong with tying up loose ends so long as you still have hope in your heart and your eyes fixed on the future ahead of you. It may be that there is a new hobby just around the corner or even new friendships - it's never too late. You sound as if you have lost your confidence so I hope that you begin to find that again soon. Do whatever it takes to look after yourself and feel the best that you can. Look up self-soothing techniques on the Internet - these have made a big difference to my self-compassion therapy. I truly hope you find yourself in the next part of your journey. Don't feel guilty for taking the time you need to make that discovery - we all owe it to ourselves to be comfortable with our own journey. Good luck & keep us posted please. Big hugs xx