Had fissures before, and now its come back.

I have suffered from hemmorhoids since I was fifteen. I went through four years of non stop bleeding, and then I stopped drinking, and everything started to clean up.  Last year, my husband had a breakdown and the stress caused me to get constipation and i felt like i had been ripped from the inside out. I went to the doctor who gave me rectogesic and lactulose. I think it was seven weeks before I stopped bleeding and there were days when being alive felt too much; I couldnt sit or stand, lie down or crouch or go into the feotal position. I kept trying to go to the loo because it kept feeling like i had to have a bowel movement, but nothing ever happened and when I sat the relief was momentary bliss followed by blinding pain.  

I was amazingly blessed it would seem, because I healed.  I took lactulose relgiously every day, morning and night, making my stools virtually liquid. The rectogesic was no good until the build up of using it suddenly kicked in, and the fissure started healing.  

One year later; I never stopped taking the lactulose as I was so scared of straining and bringing back the pain that made me want to stop living. Then there was a month I didnt take it, and it was fine, until a constipated movement opened a fissure up. 

I am back on lactulose and rectogesic. What is different this time is now I will have a bowel movement, there is blood and then numbness. After thirty minutes, the numbness goes to itching. Itching moves to discomfort and I cannot sit still. That moves to not being able to sit down, which leads to sudden stabbing pains, and waves of throbbing followed by more waves of heated pain which feels like it stretches to my tailbone.

My work will never understand this, i work in an office of lovely men who would never let me live this down. I have had to resort to telling absurd, awful lies to explain my absences, and I am horrifying myself with some of the things I have lied about. I have struggled to eat because the pain removes any hunger. Last week I had a bowel movement, and it took nine hours for the pain to subside- my husband had to almost carry me home. 

I timed it so I would have a movement when I was home and not needing to go anywhere and that was last night. The pain went on for eight hours before I could fall asleep. This morning, i feel raw and as if I have small ants stinging me from the inside. 

I don't know how long I am meant to let this try and heal before I panic and lose any hope of a normal life. I know it healed last year, and I am hanging on to that, but the pain and the horror is making me weak. Please, is what I am going through normal? If I healed before, will I heal again do you think? Do I just need some faith and patience?! I ask here because I have never met anyone in my life who has had this, not to this extent. 

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