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Hate this feeling. Tired of fighting with my head!

Posted , 6 users are following.

SGM
SGM

Hello everyone,

This is so hard to write, but seeing everyone's post and reading them I feel like I'm not alone and feel like I have a connection with others on here.

I'm 30 I am depressed and finally after opening up to my partner of 9years (which was sooo hard) I am now on meds citalopram 40mg, been on this now for 5weeks.

But I feel some days I am ok and have a good day but like yesterday I wanted to end my life and I was not scared to do so sad i felt empty worthless numb useless and just cried all day!!! I was googling ways to die and even attempted to find the right items to gas myself in the car. I hate this feeling why do I get this?? I argue with myself no think of my kids think of my partner!! But then my head saying " well look at your partner he is sad best way to stop that is kill yourself cause it's you that's making him sad!

Does anyone else have this fight? How can I stop this? My poor partner is so upset and doesn't want to leave my side cause he's so scared to lose me. I try to think positive but ...nothing is positive ! I feel I cause pain and worrie to the family and that's not what they need! I feel I could be at rest if I'm gone no more fighting no more pain for everyone and then I can watch over them all happy. I'm sorry this probably sounds so bad! I'm even scared now to come back on here to check the response. So if I reply late I'm sorry xxxx

1 like, 5 replies

5 Replies

  • jenn2013
    jenn2013 SGM

    Posted

    My heart goes out for you.You are not alone. I have learned that there is nothing more important than your life. Nothing, well your family too ya know. When I was considering suicide the first thing I did was reach out. I hear you got put on medication? Make sure to tell whoever prescribed you them that you have been getting thoughts of suicide, perhaps its giving you negative effects, even if most days are good. I too battle with depression/anxiety, and sympathize with you. I understand that feeling that others would be better off without me, and that there is no use. The fact that you reached out to here shows me you want to live. Please make a commitment to stay alive. To not die by suicide, no matter what. Make this commitment for all your family that care, and for yourself. Remember that if you try to end your pain by ending your life, it will start a world of pain for the loved ones that you leave behind.I dont think you are causing them pain, have they told you? You will deprive yourself of many wonderful things that you have yet to experience with the family and yourself. One thing that has helped me in these times is doing things I like, even though I dont want to. For example, I just try to Relax. I take some deep breaths and do something that relaxes me. Take a bath. Go for a walk with your kids/ yourself. Listen to some nice music. Just take it easy. And in these activities that relax you on a regular basis. Let me tell you, you are doing the right thing. On your way to a better life. This feeling of suicide shall pass. There is a suicide prevention line I have bookmarked just in case I ever need it again if you would like to call at the moment its 1 (800) 273-8255. They have a website too. I know talking about it really helps. You can even call your local 911 I think as well so that they can help you in some way. I hope you continue to follow up and tell me youre doing better. smile <3 -jenn>
  • Sam24259
    Sam24259 SGM

    Posted

    Hello SGM, sorry to hear your pain. Yes you are not alone this is a good place to express your thoughts n feelings with people who understand which is great. I can relate to many things you have mentioned, i fight this horrible disease everyday Im scared it's never going to end and it's permanent but then as hard as it is try my best to turn that feeling around. Way you feel with your partner n kids I feel similar about my mother and family. Ive learnt don't be so hard on yourself this is a illness it's not your fault. Is your medication helping you at all, 40mg is the highest dose for citalopram if im correct so you should feel some benefit if not maybe see gp need a change/another AD it's a long process finding the suitable medication what works well for you but you will find the right one. Hope things improve.

    Stay strong you are not alone.

    Sam

  • richard89308
    richard89308 SGM

    Posted

    I would see your psychiatrist asap and tell him this because it looks like the dosage may not be correct for you so go and see them soon.

    rich

  • carole28488
    carole28488 SGM

    Posted

    Hi, SGM...:You are certainly not alone in this world when it comes to depression and mood changes.  I have had anxiety disorder and depressive disorder my whole life.  I'm on Luvox, Cymbalta and Xanax, which I take every day just as prescribed.  I have my good days and my bad days...I don't know why I have bad days when I am not doing anything differrently, but it happens...Just ride the bad days out and look forward to you uplifting days.  If it doesn't get any better, please go back to your doctor and have them try you on a different drug...NEVER ever think of ending your life...That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...Try to enjoy life....Hope this helps....Hugs...xxoo..
  • lynne82155
    lynne82155 SGM

    Posted

    I find it hard enough to look after myself with anxiety/depression never mind having kids.

    Go a see a mental health professional and get the help you need and deserve.

    You are not alone this forum is excellent for support or even if you just want to vent.

    Stay strong you are not alonecry

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