Hating myself

I liked your response about loving yourself. My ex partner gave it to me intentionally and then acted the same way you described above and now I'm afraid to infect anyone so I stay single until I can learn to love myself first. A lot of these posts seem to involve people who catch it asymptomatically when symptoms aren't present.

You hit it right on the head when you talked about me not loving myself. That is sooo true! February 25 made 10 years since my family disowned me. I was cleaning house yesterday and I came across a police report from that day in 2005 that I filed on my dad when he threatened to put a bullet in my head and an email from my aunt saying I needed to give my parents back everything because she knows what they been saying and someone was gonna end up in jail. It brought back soooo many emotions. A whole bottle of Moscato followed soon after I found those.

The reason I hate myself sooo much is because I didn't tell him. I always tell a partner, but I didn't get the chance to with him. He and a coworker just moved to my town for their job. They were stressing over where they would live and how much they were spending on hotel rooms. I could use the company and financial help, so I offered for them to stay in my spare room. It is honestly the best decision that I ever made. We are like brothers and sister. We sit on my back porch and shoot BB guns, talk, cook, and just have fun! I needed the company and they make me feel safe. The one guy and I are really close. We click sooo well. One night we were drinking and dancing in the living room like 2 crazy kids having a blast. Out of the blue, he walked up to me and kissed me. He started pressuring sex and I told him no. He was persistent and eventually it happened. It's no excuse on my part but we were drunk and I couldn't just blurt it out. We had sex 3 more times, but it will NOT happen again.

The reason I worry is because when he started being distant, the first thing that came to mind was herpes. Like I mentioned, I have been having irritation and frequent/painful urination since the first time we had sex. It gets better then gets bad again. I truly believed it was just a uti or bladder infection because I didn't realize that you could have an OB without sores. And since I had just began getting over being sick a few days prior, it may have triggered the OB. I did have the headache and leg pain, but then it got better before we had sex. I will tell him, but I am trying to figure out how. I might go to ER today and see if it is just a uti and get some antibiotics because I am in pain. I'm just hating my life. I'm hating it all. I am praying he is ok. I have learned from my mistake and this will never happen again. The more I read, the more I know the odds are in my favor that he's ok, but still.....

Sassy, I know that I don't need to rub this in your face as you already no better, regardless of what you out in your post, you chose not too, because you didn't want to ruin the moment, yiu wanted to feel validated and accepted and you didn't want to feel rejection. We all make terrible choices, but make this a lesson learned and one to never ever repeat. I don't know about the UK, but in the US, it is illegal to knowingly have herpes and sleep w another person, w out telling them. I'm talking being sued and it being public. Name in new papers and all.

Being that he doesn't know you have it, most people would freak out and confront someone, like I did for example, if they suddenly had symptoms. If he is living w you, how distant can he be? Have you asked him directly what seems to be wrong?

I took have no family and I understand what that feels like, but I cannot use that as an excuse to hurt others, rob them of choice, all in the name if me looking for love and acceptance in the WRONG place anyway. If you don't start being brutally honest w yourself and behaviors, yiu will continue behaviors like this and wreck more havoc in your life. You must be young, how old are yiu if you don't mind my asking?

Scott, I am so glad that yiu are so self aware and have the capability to display deep introspective, as it is very unpleasant and why the vast majority of people avoid it. There's a reason the saying was coined: ignorance is bliss!

I hope you are handling everything well.. When I get a chance to log on a computer tonight, instead of doing this from my phone; I will upload a graph for you guys to hand to potential partners that makes this very cut and dry on the risk of transmission rates, based on methods used or not used for protection. Remind me by tomorrow if I haven't posted it tonight. HD a hectic day today. :-)

hi feelbroken if you are in the usa and you pass herpes on nothing will be done they will say that you the person agreed to have sex the only std here in usa that you get in trouble for is having hiv and knowing and not telling cause when my ex bf gave me herpes i called the cops they said that nothing can be done because its not life threating just like i didnt know i had it the cops department said he didnt know he had it

Actually that is not true princess. It depends on your states laws. I remember the first time I read a case on it, was in the paper back in 2006 I believe. This article that discussed the laws and states, references the 900,000 this woman won, because he told her after they had sex he had herpes and gave it to her. Please be careful w spreading false information around. I live in the states, I know it is illegal. When you spread false information around, you are now unfortunately giving some people the green light, to lie and spread disease. The man who gave this to me knew it was illegal and still lied to me and gave it to me. Yes, we had the conversation before hand and he brought up it being illegal. I was shocked he knew, most guys don't know it is and he was younger than me by 8yrs... Especially young guys don't usually know. I've thought about suing him, but I don't want my name out there in the public like that, as it is considered public information. Please educate yourself on this. Knowledge is power. Lawyers can subpoena medical records and past intimate partners who may have contracted it. Calling the cops is not the route you take. They can't do anything. You have to obtain a lawyer and go to court to have charges pressed and/or to sue. Cops cannot do anything until court has proven the case, otherwise it is hearsay. Go ahead, Google it... There are people who won their cases. The cops don't know jack on that law. That's what lawyers are for.

_http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/563/legal-information-if-you-know-or-your-giver-knew-what-could-happen-now

ok I will check into that because i live in texas and was born in raised in California

It doesn't MATTER that there is "only a 1% chance of catching it if you use condoms!" 

The responsible thing is to LET YOUR PARTNER KNOW PRIOR TO SEX. 

To do otherwise is awful and irresponsible behavior. Think of the other person -- not just yourself and your own feelings. 

Spreading it with knowledge can be considered 3rd degree assault in some states, and you would have to contact law enforcement first. Laws are changing quickly with this issue. They still take HIV more seriously because you can die from it, but knowingly spreading a lifelong disease is considered very serious and is punishable both criminally and civilly. People can sue -- and have won huge $$ cases. Google it. 

That being said, people who love each other in relationships makes it more difficult. Both may still love each other, but the one who was not told feels anger and betrayal. It's not fair to keep it a secret! It's an awful thing to do to someone. 

Lakerkate, you seem very blase about not telling partners, especially in regards to finding someone new if he breaks up w you when you tell him.

I'm guessing you didn't read the entire thread on here and what you're doing is illegal and you don't sound like you have much remorse over it and that is very disconcerting.

I highly recommend a high does of integrity check.

I think you are wrong to let your boyfriend sleep with unaware of the fact u have herpes. Yes he may have decided not to want to be with you but he also may have understood and still wanted u. They say u should always be safe. I would not want to be you when he does find out.

For me personally will tell each guy in future if they want to run a mile let them but at least I will have been honest. Not all men react bad I know this for a fact. I've not slept with anyone since finding out.

Weather the meds help with symptoms guys still should know.

I wanted to tell him before and I got too scared. It's not like I want to be a sh*tty person about it. When I tell him I'm sure he will be upset or mad which he has a right to be. What I did was wrong. I take back the "screw him". I wish it was easier to be more open about herpes. Our culture makes it sound like it's just all for cheaters and sluts and that it's a super serious condition (which is crazy because it's not even close to life threatening). Think I'm a sh*tty person, go ahead. The only people that know I even have it are my mom and my ex. It's VERY hard for me trust others with such personal information. What I did was wrong and at this point all I really can do is live with the consequences it brought and learn from my mistakes.

Lakerkate,

We all understand your dilemma and feel for you, it was how unremorseful you sounded about it, that was off putting to our senses. How long are you going to keep putting it off? Right now there is a good chance he has not caught it yet and you can give him that option still. Don't wait till he doesn't have one.. That's all we're saying

It's extremely hard especially since we're both busy with finals coming up. I have barely had sex with him lately and when we have, I've made him wear a condom despite his dislike of them. I'm newer to having this and to be honest I've just been in denial. I wanted to believe that I would still be able to go on with my life and live it normally. I recently told my best friend about it and her immediate reaction was a gasp and a look of fear. My voice was calm but after seeing that kind of a response from my closest friend, it really broke me down. She has been supportive after I expained it more to her but, I see that she looks at me differently now and it kills me. I'm 18 and a freshman in college so I live in an environment with lots of judgement. It's really been hard. I realize what I've done to my boyfriend is wrong. After finals, I plan on telling him about it. 

Well, it's going to be a lot worse to break it to him, if he by chance gets it and then is questioning you about it. I could only imagine how hard it is. My best guy friends ex wide, didn't tell him about her status for three yrs and one day she did. He never forgave her for that. He would throw it back on her face when they fought. Yes, he never got it thankfully and I am not even sure if she had 1 or 2.

That is a horrible reaction. Yes, the youth don't seem to handle this well, just like my friends 23yr old daughter didn't either. People in their 30s and above, seem to be more mature and accepting of this. The teen daughter seemed uncomfortable w it too, but I told them to learn a lesson, that they don't need to learn. I definitely fwkt they looked at me differently and the oldest one asked, cause she had thought about it when using the bathroom, could she get it from the toilet seat. That bothereeld me.. If I could go back and u tell them I would. The age groups of 24 and below, is just mentally and emotionally equipped to behave and process things w maturity.

Well just know I'm always here and if you ever need someone to reach out to, you can pm me anytime. There is a site that I think would be better for you than this site, as this is more medical stuff . google the H opportunity forum. Specifically for herpes, has disclosure pamphlets to download, w statistics charts and a section of people, in the same situation as you. I think you will gain a lot from this forum

Thank you.

It may be "only" a virus, but you seem to be discounting the fact that the LESIONS can be extremely painful and burn and hurt for weeks on end!

There also seems to be an element of irresponsibility in this discussion group about people not wanting to tell their partner for FEAR they will break up with them. 

Reality check: It's not only unethical to not say you think you might have it or do have it, it's ILLEGAL in many states and is prosecutable by law.

Think of the other person instead of just your own feelings. You could be giving someone a very painful and life ALTERING disease by staying silent. That isn't caring at all. That's the epitome of selfishness.

Having the disease doesn't make someone slutty. But not telling someone you have it, or think you have it before engaging in sex (or even kissing) with them is irresponsible -- and cruel!

Try thinking about other people besides your own feelings! There is NO cure for herpes and it is the law in many states that you MUST tell your partner before engaging in sex or be held liable for 3rd degree assault or other crimes if done with the knowledge that you had it (or intentional).

That is actually a very typical reaction! The person who was not told feels BETRAYED!

Who you are with TRUSTED YOU COMPLETELY. 

Wake up!

Wow. I hope and PRAY he doesn't contract it from you. I'm not judgmental that you have herpes, because I do too, I'm judgmental that you are keeping this very important piece of information from someone that could affect them the rest of their life. Do you not care about anyone but your own feelings?

My boyfriend gave me herpes and told me he felt he might have it, AFTER we were together! I am furious! Had he told me that prior to sex, I could have HAD A CHOICE what I wanted to do!

He gave me no choice and this awful unpredictable virus affects me the rest of my life. I hate it and I don't deserve it. 

People like you need a dose of reality and the law is on the side of the victims, not the perpetrator.

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HIV is "just a virus" too. Just a virus causes painful blistering sores on one's genitals. So dismissing it like it's a cold is really fooling yourself and everyone else.