Hating myself
Posted , 9 users are following.
I am still off and on struggling with the idea that I have herpes. I had my first outbreak in July of last year. I haven't had any other outbreaks since then because I've been on daily meds. But 2 weekends ago I got very sick with a cold and began feeling my headache and leg pain coming on. After a couple days it went away. I then had protected sex 3 times with someone that week, but the condom broke once. After the first time, I had irritation, and frequent and painful urination. I began taking cranberry pills and drinking lots of water. It got better by the end of the day. A couple days later it started hurting again and for one day, there was blood when I wiped. After that day, it got better again. Today it's back to frequent painful urination and itching. I'm so miserable because all I can think about is that this is probably a recurrent outbreak and I slept with him! He has been distant the last few days and now all I can think of is that he caught it and hasn't talked to me about it. I'm sure it could be anything other than that, but I instantly think of that. I don't know the chance of him catching it of this is indeed an outbreak. I hate the fact that I caught this last year and how much my life has changed. I seriously just want to die. I don't wanna live anymore. My grandfather took his own life and all I can think of is how much I wish I had the nerve to do the same!! I don't want this life anymore.
0 likes, 27 replies
feelbroken Sassy2543
Posted
My best friend said something to me last month, that really hit home and is a huge part of why I chose to stop dating. She knows I lack self love, as I can tell you do too. So she said to me: "why would you give someone else love, when you don't even love yourself? Why would you do that? You need to fall in love w you first. Give that love to yourself, before you give it to another."
She is absolutely right. when we don't love ourselves, we put all our self worth and validation in the hands of the other. That's why we feel so crushed over rejection or even the mere thought of rejection, because we are placing our value on their approval of us and if they don't want us, then that reinforces we are not worthy .. You knew it.. You knew it all along... You're just no good and that's why nobody wants me, so why am I even alive? ... See how that turns into a vicious cycle and sets you up for failure?
I don't know all the details of this and if you had informed him upfront. If you didn't, then shame on you for not doing so. If you did, it is understandable to feel a strong sense of guilt over it; however, ultimately it was his decision in the end and he knew what he was getting himself into.
Why is the first thought you jump to, that he doesn't want to be w you or has caught it? Have you asked him directly?
If you use condoms and meds and abstain during symptoms, there is a 1% chance of passing it.
Since you called him "someone", I'm going to assume that he's not your bf and in that case, he may just be doing what guys do once they get a piece of the action and that's disappear. It doesn't mean he caught it and most people like myself, contact the other person to tell them, especially if they weren't informed that - that person had herpes.
scott83219 feelbroken
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Sassy2543 feelbroken
Posted
The reason I hate myself sooo much is because I didn't tell him. I always tell a partner, but I didn't get the chance to with him. He and a coworker just moved to my town for their job. They were stressing over where they would live and how much they were spending on hotel rooms. I could use the company and financial help, so I offered for them to stay in my spare room. It is honestly the best decision that I ever made. We are like brothers and sister. We sit on my back porch and shoot BB guns, talk, cook, and just have fun! I needed the company and they make me feel safe. The one guy and I are really close. We click sooo well. One night we were drinking and dancing in the living room like 2 crazy kids having a blast. Out of the blue, he walked up to me and kissed me. He started pressuring sex and I told him no. He was persistent and eventually it happened. It's no excuse on my part but we were drunk and I couldn't just blurt it out. We had sex 3 more times, but it will NOT happen again.
The reason I worry is because when he started being distant, the first thing that came to mind was herpes. Like I mentioned, I have been having irritation and frequent/painful urination since the first time we had sex. It gets better then gets bad again. I truly believed it was just a uti or bladder infection because I didn't realize that you could have an OB without sores. And since I had just began getting over being sick a few days prior, it may have triggered the OB. I did have the headache and leg pain, but then it got better before we had sex. I will tell him, but I am trying to figure out how. I might go to ER today and see if it is just a uti and get some antibiotics because I am in pain. I'm just hating my life. I'm hating it all. I am praying he is ok. I have learned from my mistake and this will never happen again. The more I read, the more I know the odds are in my favor that he's ok, but still.....
feelbroken Sassy2543
Posted
Being that he doesn't know you have it, most people would freak out and confront someone, like I did for example, if they suddenly had symptoms. If he is living w you, how distant can he be? Have you asked him directly what seems to be wrong?
I took have no family and I understand what that feels like, but I cannot use that as an excuse to hurt others, rob them of choice, all in the name if me looking for love and acceptance in the WRONG place anyway. If you don't start being brutally honest w yourself and behaviors, yiu will continue behaviors like this and wreck more havoc in your life. You must be young, how old are yiu if you don't mind my asking?
feelbroken scott83219
Posted
I hope you are handling everything well.. When I get a chance to log on a computer tonight, instead of doing this from my phone; I will upload a graph for you guys to hand to potential partners that makes this very cut and dry on the risk of transmission rates, based on methods used or not used for protection. Remind me by tomorrow if I haven't posted it tonight. HD a hectic day today. :-)
princess52104 feelbroken
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feelbroken princess52104
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_http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/563/legal-information-if-you-know-or-your-giver-knew-what-could-happen-now
princess52104 feelbroken
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barb88622 feelbroken
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The responsible thing is to LET YOUR PARTNER KNOW PRIOR TO SEX.
To do otherwise is awful and irresponsible behavior. Think of the other person -- not just yourself and your own feelings.
barb88622 feelbroken
Posted
That being said, people who love each other in relationships makes it more difficult. Both may still love each other, but the one who was not told feels anger and betrayal. It's not fair to keep it a secret! It's an awful thing to do to someone.
scorpio32 Sassy2543
Posted
I really could not do what u done that most probably why I would hate myself.
You must tell that person even if they don't get it. He will be upset because u let him sleep not given a choice to sleep with u or not.
Personally I have also given dating a break. When I do want to be in a better place as things are still a little complicated.
Lakerkate Sassy2543
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feelbroken Lakerkate
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I'm guessing you didn't read the entire thread on here and what you're doing is illegal and you don't sound like you have much remorse over it and that is very disconcerting.
I highly recommend a high does of integrity check.
scorpio32 Lakerkate
Posted
For me personally will tell each guy in future if they want to run a mile let them but at least I will have been honest. Not all men react bad I know this for a fact. I've not slept with anyone since finding out.
Weather the meds help with symptoms guys still should know.
Lakerkate feelbroken
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feelbroken Lakerkate
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We all understand your dilemma and feel for you, it was how unremorseful you sounded about it, that was off putting to our senses. How long are you going to keep putting it off? Right now there is a good chance he has not caught it yet and you can give him that option still. Don't wait till he doesn't have one.. That's all we're saying
Lakerkate feelbroken
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feelbroken Lakerkate
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That is a horrible reaction. Yes, the youth don't seem to handle this well, just like my friends 23yr old daughter didn't either. People in their 30s and above, seem to be more mature and accepting of this. The teen daughter seemed uncomfortable w it too, but I told them to learn a lesson, that they don't need to learn. I definitely fwkt they looked at me differently and the oldest one asked, cause she had thought about it when using the bathroom, could she get it from the toilet seat. That bothereeld me.. If I could go back and u tell them I would. The age groups of 24 and below, is just mentally and emotionally equipped to behave and process things w maturity.
Well just know I'm always here and if you ever need someone to reach out to, you can pm me anytime. There is a site that I think would be better for you than this site, as this is more medical stuff . google the H opportunity forum. Specifically for herpes, has disclosure pamphlets to download, w statistics charts and a section of people, in the same situation as you. I think you will gain a lot from this forum
Lakerkate feelbroken
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barb88622 Lakerkate
Posted
There also seems to be an element of irresponsibility in this discussion group about people not wanting to tell their partner for FEAR they will break up with them.
Reality check: It's not only unethical to not say you think you might have it or do have it, it's ILLEGAL in many states and is prosecutable by law.
Think of the other person instead of just your own feelings. You could be giving someone a very painful and life ALTERING disease by staying silent. That isn't caring at all. That's the epitome of selfishness.
barb88622 Lakerkate
Posted
Try thinking about other people besides your own feelings! There is NO cure for herpes and it is the law in many states that you MUST tell your partner before engaging in sex or be held liable for 3rd degree assault or other crimes if done with the knowledge that you had it (or intentional).
barb88622 feelbroken
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Who you are with TRUSTED YOU COMPLETELY.
Wake up!
barb88622 Lakerkate
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My boyfriend gave me herpes and told me he felt he might have it, AFTER we were together! I am furious! Had he told me that prior to sex, I could have HAD A CHOICE what I wanted to do!
He gave me no choice and this awful unpredictable virus affects me the rest of my life. I hate it and I don't deserve it.
People like you need a dose of reality and the law is on the side of the victims, not the perpetrator.
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barb88622 Lakerkate
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