How to Be a Good Boyfriend
Posted , 7 users are following.
This isn't really a topic about myself so to speak but more so about my girlfriend.
When my girlfriend and I met, she told me it was hard for her to be loving and affectionate. I still fell for her and all was going perfect. We would talk, han out and I slowly fell in love with her.
About 4 months into our relationship she suddenly didn't want me to touch her anymore. In fact for three weeks she didn't want me touching her. I tried to break up with her not knowing what I did wrong and she told me not to break up with her.
Fast forward some time and our communication severely got cut in pieces. While we would before talk on a daily basis, a full week could go by without receiving a text message or even a phone call back.
Eventually after five break up attempts later I found out she had fibromyalgia, and depression. I rarely get to see her. While she lives so close to me I maybe see her once a month. When I call I don't receive calls back, nor do I receive text messages, which again is so incredibly different than how things were for so long.
I don't have any experience in dealing with depression. I know I love and care for this girl but it's so hard for me to love her, be told "I love you" and now not ever hear the words said back to me. When we spoke in person finally the other day she told me that I need to stop over thinking things and worrying, and to just know that if she doesn't text me or call me back or really in any way shape or form show me she cares for me that I should realize it's because she has depression. It tore me up to hear that because I want and yearn so much for how things used to be, and because of my lack of experience in dealing with it I can't tell if depression has truly affected her so much that she can't love me or express that she loves me verbally, or if maybe she's just fallen out of attraction with me.
She had an appointment on October 12th that was pushed further, for a specialist I believe that would help her with either her depression or fibromyalgia I wasn't a hundred percent sure which of the two.
I just want to know any people's advice on what to do. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I've been so patient and tried to research all that I can but it really hurts not being able to talk to someone you care so much about, and to wonder if It's really the depression or perhaps a loss of what we once had. I'm already under a lot of pressure as it is, and I feel that the less I talk and see her, and the less I get the slightest indication that she cares for me just really messes with my head constantly.
What should I do in this situation. Are these characteristics normal for someone who has depression? She's not taking anymore medication I believe but it's hard to think that medication really affected her that much to being two different people. If there's hope I will try my best to stay in for her, she told me she wants me to be there for her but how can I be there for her if i never see her or ever receive a text or call back?
Please help, thank you.
1 like, 11 replies
jmcg2014 islandjat
Posted
So basically you want to know, is she going to improve, if not then you want a way out? That really isnt the way to look at it. Do you both a favour and leave, let the poor girl get well on her own and you can find someone who is problem free, it sounds like that's what you want to be honest. Theres nothing wrong with that, but be honest about it
islandjat jmcg2014
Posted
It's not that I want her problem free...but rather I just wanted to know if this is normal for people struggling with depression, and what I can do.
Wilb islandjat
Posted
cindy02055 Wilb
Posted
islandjat cindy02055
Posted
I tried that before, and she got really hurt by me trying to break things off, because she asked me if she had cancer would I think about leaving her also, followed by if she didn't want me she would've broken up with me.
What do you mean find someone who is able to navigate a close relationship...I'm sorry I didn't understand that part.
anon85986 islandjat
Posted
Over time, I will return to normal through meds, exercise and diet.
If someone is genetically prone to depression it may be lifelong.
You would have to decide if you can hang in for that type of relationship.
islandjat anon85986
Posted
anon85986 islandjat
Posted
my friend tried with her boyfriend, who is incosolable and she finally had to walk away after 2 years of her life. she is 36 and wants to have kids so this time is precious for her.
wayne1962 islandjat
Posted
Hi islandjat - sorry to read of your dilemma - love can be a painful thing. My suggestion to you would be to leave her be. Let her contact you when she is ready. Love is a two way street and you can't expect yourself to drive both sides of the road while she does little to nothing. If she is suffering depression it is up to her to make the move to deal with the issue - psychologist/counsellor for a start who will refer her for assessment for different/more meds if necessary.
The thing about life is that things are always changing, and it is no less true for relationships. Let her know YOU need some space and that you will be there for her when she is ready to be part of a relationship rather than be the focus of it. You sound like a caring, wonderful person, but you cannot take on the problems of others and solve them. It is up to thye individual to steer their own life and actions. Best of luck to you - I hope this helps.
Whatever_next islandjat
Posted
Firstly, well done for seeking help.
My twopence worth may give a bit of a different vantage point to other replies you've had, from the standpoint of knowing depression.
You actually sound well-matched (eg both sensitive people, but only one depressed which is better)! I'm not sure why other respondents assume that she will necessarily ever be well, any more than someone with any other illness; or why she should be left without a spouse etc as a result if so. Still . . .
You've made a commitment to her, well done for wanting to see it through. I can relate to a lot of what you describe her as being and saying, whilst feeling desperately sorry for you feeling helpless or worse. I can't say much, just these few points:
* Accept it's not about / caused by you, and nothing you can do can necessarily change the condition.
* Don't try and reason out why she should feel a different way because of what she said when she seemed to be different at an earlier stage. She will feel more guilty underneath (in spite of possibly appearing not to care about you) and it won't really go anywhere on that tack tbh.
* From experience, my guess would be that she was feeling the depression even when you felt the relationship was going well. Remember, this is a major move in life for both of you that you made. This would have put a sensitive/depression-prone person through a lot of tension. That doesn't mean it's wrong, but what you are experiencing now may be a necessary stage. She was probably building up pressure, until one day the bubble popped - but actually it wasn't really as overnight a change as it looked like to you.
* Depression = self-centredness. And that's not a criticism exactly! It's a fact, the words are almost synonymous. Truly depressed people often are aware of this, which in turn makes them feel worse and get more self-centred over their condition etc. Given that their awareness of it is often high already, the worse thing that can be said is "Do you realise how selfish you are?" or "I think you are selfish" As if we don't know!
* She must get medical help - it's her decision though those near to her can hopefully influence it / help her to see how poorly she really is. This will no doubt include medication, but maybe also counselling, depending on what the back story is. Sometimes an assessment by a mind specialist can help to get more specific. It's hard to say exactly what in each case. Normally the gp has to refer to people like this. She may not ever be completely well, but medical help must be given the best shot, to give her the best chance of being as well as possible even if not completely healed.
*Don't try too hard with the relationship right now. Concentrate on areas of life (work?) where you can get your energies stuck into and feel you're making a difference, meanwhile. She just needs to knwo that you're there when she needs you.
* Be prepared for having hopes raised and then dashed again. It's not likely to switch back again to what it was overnight, so be wary if it seems lilke it, to avoid disappointment.
* Be assured that you have not been rejected, and sound to me like you are truly loved, though the person themselves berates their own love and says they are not 'very good' at it. Oh, this rings so true!
* She will appreciate your loyalty and in due time will be better able to express it - although it may be infrequently because people like htis like to be sure that what they are sayign (esp regarding love) is 100% true (see what a high standard they set, no wonder they get depressed!) before saying it, rather than say things they are not sure they entirely mean. You will learn over time that when they say they are not sure (eg how much they love you) that in fact they love you a lot. You may well end up with a deeper, more real relationship than many over couples - but there will be bumps in the road and you will need to be resilient / find yourself an outlet / shoulder to lean on when needed elsewhere (someone / people who are understanding of her as well as supporting you).
I have taken this on face value - obviously - just meaning that there is so much of your circumstances that of course you can't put on here as it would take all day. So, take my advice as general and apply it if and where it seems to fit.
I'm afraid I won't be able to keep in touch much if at all, but very best of luck, and well done for both your loyalty and decency, and for taking a step to improve things like this. Hope you find help and strength, one day at a time.
borderriever islandjat
Posted
The depression can show in many different ways, it can be caused by Her Fibromyalga She will feel depressed by not only Her Condition, also the feelings that she has relating to a serious relationship with you The condition over years will make this very difficult for both of you. She will be frightened to get hurt
Generally you need to consider what type of relationship you expect of Her and what your needs are in this type of relationship.
You need to first go onto NHS CHOICES and check up your girlfriends medical condition and the prognosis and what to expect in the future, as you may need to become part of Her Treatment. The depression She suffers could be a Reactive Depression caused by her condition, this will make her very frightened and concerned because of her future life choices. I think this is the main concern here. She loves you and is frightened to commit because of Her Illness.
You need to go into this relationship with eyes open and not wearing your heart on your sleeve The feelings she has will be complex, She may want you and is frightened to love you, that is why you need to research her problems then ask to possibly talk to Her GP so your eyes are wide open.
This of course seems hypothetical, if She is not discussing what She expects of you and you her. Whatever you do this has to be discussed. This is not happening.
Generally here I cannot advise, all I can possibly say is consider her depression and any treatments and medications. The relationship is on off, decide if the possible ?, relationship is worth these problems. Sorry
BOB