1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Depression

I hate my life

Posted , 6 users are following.

lwhitworth67
lwhitworth67

No one understands how hideous depression is. I push myself every single day to get the house cleaned since I'm not working anymore. Today is not one of my better days. Just sitting here in the silence and crying. I just wanna curl up in a ball and hide from the world. But I know I can't do that. 

I have a mound of housework to do. I have to clean out the refrigerator because something sticky spilled ad it's all over the bottom shelf. I have pots and pans that need to be washed. There isn't even any room in the sink. There's laundry that needs to be folded and put away. I need to run a load of towels, also. I need to dust and vacuum. I'm sitting here looking at the mess in the living room. Clothes, socks, my coat, etc... Needs to be tidyed up. And after all that I need to take a shower.

My husband keeps "reminding" me that this stuff needs to be done. His clothes for work are still in the dryer. He's sick of looking at the mess on the bottom shelf of the fridge. I've already had to go down and push the slush off the steps in case the landlady shows up.

In the last few weeks I have gotten so low that I've gotten suicidal. I mentioned it to my husband, but he just got annoyed. Why would I do this now when he has enough to worry about. Gee... I dunno... maybe because I'm so depressed and so fed up that I really don't want to be alive. I'm tired of life. I've had enough. I can't find a job. I can't get the ambition to clean. Hubby's under stress because he's not used to being the sole provider. I'm the one who always worked. He would just have some seasonal work where he would work for maybe 4-6 weeks in the summer. He has a temp job now and he's hoping that they'll hire him on, but he hates the work and doesn't much care for the work environment either.

And oh..did I mention that my husband is a "dry addict" and "periodic alcoholic"? So I have to deal with the guilt that all this stress may push him into another binge. He comes home at night and spends 2 1/2 hrs drinking beer. He doesn't get drunk. He's got a high tolerance. But still... something he hasn't done in a very long time. He buys a 12-pk (bottles) every other day. 

so yeah... my life sucks big time. Luckily it's only 1pm here and I have until 7:30 tonight to get everything done. 

2 likes, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • borderriever
    borderriever lwhitworth67

    Posted

    Hello

    Sorry you feel so down I gather you live in the USA

    We do not know what the situation is for Mental Health sufferers  across the pond, 

    All I can suggest is you talk to your Family Doctor and explain your fears, Depression and Anxiety. Make a list it will make the appointment go more smooth.

    Some CBT may also help you to put things into perspective as I also feel you need some medication to help you square the circle.

    Personally I would get your Man of His but and give you a hand. Can you not hide His beer and use that as an inducement to do the polishing

    BOB

    • lwhitworth67
      lwhitworth67 borderriever

      Posted

      I see my new psychiatrist on Friday. And yes, I'm in the U.S. My GP has suggested that some time in a mental health program would be helpful. Remove myself for a time from the source of it all. 

      I've been in therapy for years. For me, CBT doesn't seem to work. The last time I was hospitalized (as an outpatient, though) they taught us DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy) which works well. But there really aren't psychologists around here who are even familiar with it. 

      I'm hoping the new psych can give me something for my anxiety. Right now I'm on a mood stabilizer and 2 antidepressants. They don't seem to be working very well at the moment. 

      As for hubby... not much I can do there. Something will give eventually.

  • arlene09047
    arlene09047 lwhitworth67

    Posted

    I feel so sorry for u I have never had depression but have got anxiety which have never had till now and each day is hard don't ever let it get you down

  • laura08496
    laura08496 lwhitworth67

    Posted

    hi there. sorry, no great advice from me today. i am in a similar boat that you are. my bedroom is a mess. it always is, but more so out of control today. i had to clean out the side wall because all my crap was covering the heat ducts. it took a while, and most of it is piled up on my bed. and now, besides checking my email, i'm just sitting here looking at everything else that needs to be done. i've lost all my strength to continue. my boyfriend just texted that he'll be home soon. the sink is still full to the top from last night. and i'm beginning to get anxious. hating myself for being such a lazy depressed wreck. looks like i'll be getting my sleeping bag out and taking a xanax to feel better. i hate to sound this way. it's just one of those horrible days, and i want it to be over. i know i should go out and get some fresh air, but i won't. i just don't have it in me today. i don't mean to complain. just wanted you to know you're not alone. i'm glad you shared. it gave me the opportunity to get some stuff off my chest.   feel better!    xo

    • lwhitworth67
      lwhitworth67 laura08496

      Posted

      I'm glad it helped you Laura. We need to unload periodically because it does more harm than good by holding it in. We also tend to isolate ourselves and stop reaching out. I am just as guilty of it. Lately I sit in front of my computer and watching "my show" ("Call the Midwife"wink. 

      I got some stuff done yesterday. I got the dishes done and cleaned out the fridge. Then later on I got the laundry put away. I took my shower as soon as I finished. Today was not as productive. I wound up napping for a few hours. By the time I got up, I figured I'd better take the dog out first before getting started on things (by then it was after 4pm). Got the dishes washed and a load of towels into the wash then the dryer. 

      I should get out and get some air myself. I'm quite overweight and with all this sitting it's harder for me to get things done (I'm 162.5 cm tall and and 19.29 stone).Plus I'm a smoker and I have arthritis. (I'm not sure if you're in US or UK, so I converted things to metric.In US I'm 5'4" and 270lbs) 

      I often feel like I just don't have the energy to go on with things. It's getting harder and harder each day. I wish I could get xanax. Most providers won't prescribe it because people abuse it. It would do wonders for my anxiety. I had all the same things you're thinking running through my mind yesterday, I'm too fat. I'm worthless. All this is my fault. Why would anyone want me? Why talk to anyone, they don't understand. on and on..... Sometimes I wish I could disappear. 

      You can message me whenever you want if you need someone to talk to. (((HUGS)))

  • julie08522
    julie08522 lwhitworth67

    Posted

    Hi there. First of all if your house is messy its messy. I have been there too. So i know how it feels. Your husband obviously has no understanding of depression and sounds from what you say quite selfish. You have to be kind to yourself. So today let the house be left. Tomorrow make a list... a small one. I.e i will do the dishes. and after you have done that if you feel you can, tackle something else. Take it small steps at a time and if you cant dont. I have good days and bad days just like you. But please go see your doctor and tell him everything. Take care x
    • lwhitworth67
      lwhitworth67 julie08522

      Posted

      Hi Julie. Thanks for replying. My husband can, and often is, very selfish. It makes things very difficult. He always has something to complain about and lately my daughter is his "target". He understands my depression, to a point. Unless you've ever struggled with mental health issues, it's hard to understand. 

      Today I don't have much housework to tackle. Just some dishes in the sink and if I can get the motivation, vacuuming. I do have to check the filter in my fish tank today. Their water is getting a bit on the orangeish side, so probably the filter needs rinsing. But that's just a quick thing. 

      I see my new psych on Friday. I'm hoping she can help. I can't keep feeling like this.

       

Back to top

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.