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Looking for advice and guidence with my 12 year old son

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LoveBugX2
LoveBugX2

Hello! I'm new here and I've looked for the right place to post my situation but I'm not sure if I'm even in the right place. I have 2 wonderful children and I'm a single mom trying to raise them with values and respect. i feel like I'm losing control with my 12 year old son. There's so many things left unresolved because I don't know what to do and because there's no punishment the same problems keep repeating and his attitude is out of control. His father isn't the best role model or example for him to look up to so I'm battling things I don't know how to handle. I don't want to go into details until I know which forum I should seek help and advice from. I hope I can help someone else to! This is affecting my entire family and I don't like whats happening. please help! Thank you so much

0 likes, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • louise21984
    louise21984 LoveBugX2

    Posted

    LovebugX2 - I'm a cognitive behavioural therapist and I can see several things going on here.  

    Do you have a Family Therapy facility near you?  This would help.  

    • LoveBugX2
      LoveBugX2 louise21984

      Posted

      Hi Louise, yes I have a family therapy office near me. I tried that and after 4 months of once a week visits I realized it wasn't helping. We were getting nowhere and the counselor wasn't focusing on things that mattered. When we involved my daughter, the 3rd visit, she made her cry and very uncomfortable. 
    • louise21984
      louise21984 LoveBugX2

      Posted

      Is there a cognitive behavioural therapist near you?

      And Prof Tanya Bryson has a new book out now - based on CBT principles, it's very good.

  • tiswas24537
    tiswas24537 LoveBugX2

    Posted

    its diffitcult to help with so little info hun 

    if its just behavouir and not medical ie ,Aspergers .addh, then

    you have to take control of the situation 

    i brought 3 up on my own 

    and 12/13 are diffitcult ages dont  forget they are going thru hormone changes 

    your son is change from a child in to a young man theres alot going on in the body and the brain .

    give him some responsability.

    stick to ground rules what ever you say stick to once they no they can break your boundries you have lost ,they are the next generstion its there job to push boundries but you have to stay firm .

    even when they curse and swear at you even when they make you cry once you give in you have lost .

    dont forget there is something called growing pains  it causes pain in the limbs as they go thru growth spurts which happens on and of till they reach 21 and stop growing .theres alot going on in the body like i said ,

    we tend to understand girls because of there peroids ,but boys suffer to .neutral

    • louise21984
      louise21984 tiswas24537

      Posted

      It would be difficult to help the son within the context of the father's acceptance of his behaviour and poor role model.  Sons model themselves on their fathers.  If the mother sets rules and the father doesn't hold to them the son will ignore them.  It's a big cognitive dissonance for him to handle. 
    • tiswas24537
      tiswas24537 louise21984

      Posted

      it depends on how strong you are emotionaly 

      if the son lives with his mother then its her standereds that apply

      plus like i said theres a lot going on hormonaly at this age to 

      some times its diffitcult all round. a boy will look up to his father and of course if he is a bad example this isent helpful .

       but love and stability from the mother will mostly win thru 

       

    • LoveBugX2
      LoveBugX2 tiswas24537

      Posted

      Hi tiswas, I didn't want to go into detail on the wrong forum or in the wrong place. Like you said...."if it's just behavior and not medical".....It is just behavior. There are no mental or physical obstacles that he's been diagnosed with. I wans't sure if this group is medical issues only. 

      I agree I need to take control and I am working on it. I stand my ground with punishment and don't give in. And I've noticed the maturity chages and attiutde also. His attitude with me can be out of control but I've learned to not let it get to the point of losing control. 

      If it's ok to share what's going on and what I need help with in this thread then I would love to. Thank you for your advice and help

    • LoveBugX2
      LoveBugX2 louise21984

      Posted

      Your right in saying the father acceptance making it more difficult. He holds his father high on a pedistol and there are few if any rules when both children are with him. My rules don't matter and when they come home we start all over. 
    • LoveBugX2
      LoveBugX2 tiswas24537

      Posted

      Yes he lives with me and while he's here the rules are a constant battle and disagreement. But in general they are followed. here are no rules at the fathers place. And my rules don't follow. The father shows him things by his actions that my son is doing because if Dad did it it must be ok.  

      There's so many battles going on here and I feel like I'm losing them all. 

    • louise21984
      louise21984 LoveBugX2

      Posted

      You're in a very difficult position:  and you're thinking clearly.

      there's a book called 'Boundaries' by Henry Cloud which is very good.

      You can only do what you can do, LoveBug.  But you CAN do what you CAN do!

    • tiswas24537
      tiswas24537 LoveBugX2

      Posted

      my dad had a saying didnt seem fair as achild but as a adult 

      i see it makes sense 

      do as i,  say not as i do .  what might be ok for an adult to do isent always the same as done by a child .

       

    • tiswas24537
      tiswas24537 LoveBugX2

      Posted

      its a tough job being a parent 

      you will loose many battles 

      but if you win the war 

      thats what counts .

      stand firm ,he will hit out and it will hurt but stand firm other wise you will fall and loose everything you have acheived . 

      never make a promise you dont keep and never not follow a punishment thru ,two things that all parents need to know .

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