Major relapse.. I need someone else's opinion rather than my own.
Posted , 4 users are following.
When I was 12 I had been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and at the time EDNOS (I'm not familiar with the new term.)
I had developed cysts in my liver and sludge in my gall bladder.
It was when I was 15 that I could say I had 'recovered', I still felt guilty and worried sometimes though. I was never very underweight for my height, I lost 10kgs (22lbs) over the time I was suffering.
But between my 15th and just after my 17th I gained 20kgs (44lbs). I was still in a (generally) healthy range. I weighed 67kgs (147.7lbs) and I'm 5'1. My weight was high, but it wasn't my body fat, it was more a healthy balanced ratio of muscle and fat. Not to mention my chest isn't exactly normal (I'm a size 8H, so that takes up surprisingly a lot of weight).
I'm now 17, about 5-6 weeks ago I started feeling a bit of that guilt come back. Just in the past 6 days I've lost 8kgs (17.6lbs). This is 3 inches off my waist. It's actually made me feel horribly run down, physically and mentally. I honestly didn't think it was possible to lose weight that fast.. And I haven't been exercising at all, until today.
I spoke a few weeks ago to my doctor about how I feel but I'm so mixed up about whether I tell her I've actually been fasting for 24 hours at a time and I'm only breaking it with a sandwich.
I've been drinking twice the amount of coffee I usually do to keep my stomach occupied. I'm partially lactose intolerant so the milk in the coffee kind of speeds my body's digestive system along a bit. And I haven't had water for the 6 days, I don't know why I'm so scared to put on water weight, I know it has no calories and it can be shed off easily. I'm still drinking the coffee though, my logic has just gone off the Earth.
My boyfriend (of 3 years) even commented when I was at his house, 'why can I see you ribs, I shouldn't be able to see them.' (Not in some kind of controlling way, more a concerned way.) And since that day I've already lost 2kgs (4.4lbs). I know the kind of strain this will put on my relationship if I continue this and I'd never in a million years forgive myself if I did cause any strain.
6 days ago I weighed 67kgs (147.7lbs) and right now I weigh 59kgs (130lbs). I know I'm in healthy range, but if the same weight loss pattern continues, by the end of next week I could be around 50-55kg (110-121lbs). I always weigh myself first thing in the morning.
I'm not sure about what to do. I don't want to go through seeing a psychologist again because it just causes more stress than good. But I have bigger priorities in my life now than when I was 12. (Relationship, work, final year of school).
I'm just stuck and I think I just need to read advice from a stranger's perspective to help ground me.
I really do welcome anyone's advice.
I apologise for a long post. It's just I know I'm being irrational about food, but I can't stop.
1 like, 6 replies
AnonG
Posted
An update.. Weighed myself today and I'm now 58kgs (127lbs)
kirsty32448 AnonG
Posted
AnonG kirsty32448
Posted
Thank you for your response. I'm planning on speaking to my doctor about it. I was just worried because I didn't want a massive deal made out of the issue. But I'm starting to become extremely dehydrated and it's becoming an issue so regardless I know I need to say something to my doctor.
katlouise1989 AnonG
Posted
Hi - I'm sorry to hear you are poorly but I agree with Kirsty that you should see your doctor. Eating issues aside it sounds like there are some physical complications which need to be helped.
There is little point in me explaining much as you've had treatment and know all this, but your weight will rapidly decrease initially on a highly restrictive diet as it is water loss. This will plateaux meaning that when you do start eating more or binge it will jump back up again. It's important to realise that actual weight loss takes time. The fact you have lost this much over a short space of time supports the fact you have allowed a response to lactose as well as dietary restriction hence feeling so dehydrated - incidentally severe dehydration is very dangerous.
When you speak to your GP re the above I would strongly advise some support for your mental health challenges as clearly it will be a catch 22 situation if you do not address these properly.
On restriction - if you eat sporadically then your moods are going to be all over the place, you'll be more susceptible to bingeing and your weight will be all over the place too. I'm not advocating to lose weight but you'd be better off eating regularly if you want to sustain a lower weight (I know it's not easy).
Try and focus on all those positive motivations you alluded to, it sounds like you have some really good support.
AnonG katlouise1989
Posted
I spoke to my GP, she had me weighed and we spoke for a little while. She's referring me to an eating disorder specialist (the specialist is currently working as a psychologist, but she specialises with eating issues).
I weigh 55kgs now but it's sitting steady and I'm snacking a bit throughout the day- which made me feel physically better in general. This weight is meant to be 'healthier' for my height so I'm trying to carefully sustain it for now, making sure I don't completely restrict everything, and also that I don't go on binges. I'm still not eating proper meals, but I feel I'm doing a bit better than before.
I wasn't initially going to seek help from the specialist, I brushed it off because I'm not 'underweight', but after telling this to my boyfriend he cried (which I've only seen him do twice in the past 3 years) and said he just doesn't want me going down that same path that happened last time. I felt so horrible. That in itself made me realise it's not just important for me to seek help, but important for those around me.
I know it'll be another terrible time of getting better, but I just can't shake the indescribable feeling of how I felt when I saw my boyfriend's response.
katlouise1989 AnonG
Posted
That's great news about the referral. Yes of course it's going to be difficult, but it's so worth it. Life is worth so much more without an eating disorder.
Keep fighting.