My depressed and anxious husband doesn't love me at all anymore. Is this just the depression?
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My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 3, and last year we finally started a family, something which he has always desperately wanted. We had a solid relationship and I honestly thought we would be together "until death parts us", like we vowed. Everything was normal between us until mid March, when he suddenly became distant. We did have a lot of troubles all at once, firstly his job became overwhelming, then he had issues with his estranged mother, and some other stuff cropped up too all at the same time. He also started to have stomach problems, he would be sick a lot and also became very constipated. So when he closed himself off and even lost interest in all his hobbies, I figured that was all it was, just stress. Until the 10th April when he suddenly told me out of the blue that he didn't think he loved me anymore. Of course this was a massive shock to me and unfortunately my natural response was "why, why, why". Thankfully I was able to convince him to see the GP at the end of the week who said it definitely sounded like depression and anxiety as he kept saying he felt empty even when with our daughter, he's lost interest in everything, and just wants to escape. He was given time off work and an appointment for a telephone assessment with a counsellor 4 weeks later. It has now been 5 weeks and things have fallen apart. I know I didn't handle the situation well at all as I kept pushing him instead of giving him space like he wanted, but to be fair I had discovered that he has been seeing a female coworker during this time so of course I couldn't help reacting to that. He has told me repeatedly that he sees her as a friend despite having kissed her and they have been sending nude pics to each other. Well as far as I know it is mostly her, as she has been trying to get him for ages. He said he only kissed her the once as he was unsure of his feelings for me when this first started, and then the pic he sent her few weeks later was because we had another fight and he was desperate to feel "anything". Unfortunately we had yet another massive argument on Sunday as I discovered he was still meeting up with her, although he claims it was just as friends, and that fight has resulted in him saying he doesn't feel a single shred of love for me anymore. He still cares about me and feels sorrow that our relationship is over (he picked up all his stuff on Monday and left his keys and wedding ring behind) and wants to remain friends for our daughter's sake, but he says he doesn't feel anything else. He just wants us both to move on and be free to see other people as he doesn't believe we are meant for each other anymore, as this "wouldn't have happened if we were". Obviously I don't want that so I asked if that's why, but he said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone, not just me. So I'm unsure if it's maybe just the depression that's getting in the way? I think if he was seeing her then he would have no reason to lie about it anymore. Also he has sold all his belongings except for clothes and phone, which I think shows he still isn't in a stable mindset yet as he has no interests at all. I should mention that I have left him alone these last few days finally, only responding when it concerns our daughter and other safe topics. I'm hoping by giving him space and not putting pressure on him then he may feel more comfortable, as he did say that a relationship is too much for him right now. He had also been suicidal over the last five weeks but now he seems a lot calmer, so in unsure if it's because he feels like he isn't constricted now that we are "over", or just because I haven't pestered him about it so he feels more relaxed. Has anyone felt like that before due to depression or anxiety? If so has the space helped?
1 like, 12 replies
KMRC lauren216
Posted
lauren216 KMRC
Posted
As far as I know there were no other issues really, just a lot of work stress, then problems with his mother, then the plans we had for a house we hoped to buy fell through, I was stressed too as I was either working or looking after our daughter so we did snap at each other a bit. But this was for less than a month before he initially moved out. It's never happened before, he's always stuck with us. I do worry that it's because he has feelings for this coworker of his as he had mentioned a few times previously that she wanted to set up a play date for our daughter and her son, and she kept hounding him about it, so I've suspected for a while that she wants him. But before he seemed to be annoyed with her constant nagging. Over these last 5 weeks though he's been loving her attention though. He did see a counsellor two days ago, who told him it is really common to pull away from people who love you the most and want to find someone who you barely know as you can just experience the fun things and not deal with any real emotions. He also told me that over this whole period he hasn't felt attraction or affection towards anyone, except for me a couple weeks ago when we had a really good day together, acting like we were dating again. So I'm hoping she is just an escape for him at the moment, and as long as I don't push him anymore then he won't need to see her or speak to her. Although he insists he likes talking to her as she's just a friend and doesn't have an opinion on his feelings, but I know that isn't true, she's just manipulating him during this troublesome time.
Also I haven't spoken to any of his friends or family about this as he has barely told anyone. He's estranged from most of his family, and I know he's only told one friend a little about this,no where near all the facts, as he has been confiding in that woman instead. I believe if I were to talk to any of his brothers who are aware of all of this, then it'll probably get back to him and that would sour our relationship even more. Especially as his anxiety already makes him paranoid that people are talking about him behind his back.
But as you said I can't do anything other than hope he tries to get help himself, which to be fair he is. It's just that both the doctor and therapist refuse to give him antidepressants as they say it'll make him worse. The only option is intensive CBT but he has to wait two weeks to even begin that. My friends have suggested I just play the friend card for the next few weeks, in hopes that he doesn't need to talk to that woman instead as he can hopefully rely on me. Then once he is in a better place emotionally I could try to build things back up. I know that when this first started he was terrified he was losing himself and he did want to go back to how he was before, but now he says it's impossible as that person is now dead and he doesn't want to try to be the same loving man he was as he doesn't want a relationship at all. He still wants to get himself better though for his and our daughter's sake, but insists that there'll be no hope for us still. Although yesterday when we briefly saw each other when he picked up our daughter, he did say that if we are just friends then we could see if his feelings are rekindled but he doubts they will as he can only focus on the negatives.
This really is such a rollercoaster, his thoughts and feelings change so dramatically, although the constant feeling he has is just emptiness and a pit in his stomach all the time. It saddens me so much that so many people are affected by depression, either by having it themselves or by being affected by their loved ones.
richard89308 lauren216
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he needs you even though he says he can't handle your relationship.
richard
lauren216 richard89308
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I've agreed to be friends with him and now that I'm not contacting him unless he texts me first, he's already started phoning me occasionally. Which I hope is a good sign as friends don't call each other just to say night, like he did yesterday. Of course his relationship with this other woman really bothers me, although it seems to be that he will speak to her if we argue, but if we don't then he says he ignores her. Perhaps he's just trying to find the support from her instead of me when things get really tough? I just hope that's all it is, not that he has fallen for her which could be the real reason behind his depression if he feels guilty. Although my friend pointed out that he wouldn't need to lie about his real feelings for her if we are over as he says.
This is just awful. Plus he has to wait another 2 weeks before they start his intensive counselling!
richard89308 lauren216
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rich.
lauren216 richard89308
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richard89308 lauren216
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lauren216 richard89308
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richard89308 lauren216
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lynne82155 lauren216
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Im sorry it sucks
Stay Strong
laura08496 lauren216
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what a sad story you've shared with us. unbeleivable. i wish i had the vocabulary and ideas to express how i felt reading your comment. it makes me a little angry. whether your husband is mentally ill or what, you are tyring to figure out his illness, so you can help him somehow. what about you? and i know you love your little girl so much....i am pretty sure she feels the tension between you and your husband. i am not a mom or wife, so i couldn't really be sure how i would be affected by all this. but i've been cheated on and betrayed by many guys. i know how that feels. i really dont know if i would be as compasstioate(jesus, look at this spelling) as you are. do you have someone close to you that can advise you? i know this might sound like such simple advice, but i am thinking that you may not be able to help him, until you help yourself and your daughter. things should start to fall in place for you, if you get some kind of help, or solutions to this problem. until then, try to gather all the advice here you can get. so many kind, smart peolple that would love to help you out. please be good to yourself, and good luck!
lauren216 laura08496
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