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My whole life seems faked and i only feel regret.

Posted , 3 users are following.

rich32120
rich32120

My whole life, ive never been satisfied. As a young kid I was socially bad at making and keeping friends, and keeping real interest. For the most part I isolated myself to my room to play video games even if I was completely bored out of my mind. My brothers did get me to go to Wednesday youth classes and do activities on our trampoline. But I stopped going to the Wednesday class, eventually I turned down free trips to south Dakota and new York just to avoid people and traveling. For some reason I just assumed I wouldn't have fun, even though I was already bored. Then once junior high came around I realized I could just sleep in classes, for two reasons make the day by faster and avoid people. When fresh men year started I got a girlfriend, and we were together for 2 years, we weren't the most fun couple ,we went shopping, watched movies and stuff like that. But most of the time we were bored. Towards the end of the relationship I was getting bitter, I shut myself off away from her, I tries running away because in my mind I felt like disappearing was the best thing for everyone. She left me, and moved on quick. She tried staying friends because she was with me for a lot of emotionally support, with my home life and my dad dying. But I got bitter and completely pushed her out of my life. Now im 17 without a job, im in a career school for graphic arts but its not interesting anymore. Which is a big problem with me because everything seems pointless, at jobs And just anywhere your just a replaceable number and the company doesn't really care about you. I tried getting a clothing brand going but never fully put in effort and after my gf left me, I completely gave up on it and haven't turned back since. My whole life feels like its been working towards nothing. I dont have an urge to do anything. Suicidal thoughts come and go frequently but im to much of a wuss to follow through and feel selfish about it. I have no drive,motivation, or real feelings, my mind feels lethargic most of the time. I feel like the definition of waste . and this isn't my first step for help,

1 like, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • rich32120
    rich32120

    Posted

    And to be honest, I did have interest in fashion but once again after my gf left me I gave up interest in that, when I look at people, I dont understand where they get personality or that basic will to keep up with people or events. I feel like they force it. These days I dont have interest in anything not even myself. Depression plays a big part but my whole life I been like this.
  • laura11452
    laura11452 rich32120

    Posted

    Hi Rich

    Have you seen a doctor about depression?

    Are you on medication?

    It sounds like you suffer from social anxiety the fact that you find it difficult to be around people and get involved..This would also lead to depression because you don't feel you fit in..

    Depression would cause all the feelings you are having and this would be made worse  due to the loss of your dad and then the break down of your realtionship and the fact your gf moved on very quickly..

    If you have not been to see a doctor I would suggest you make an appointment or get your mum to..

    You have your whole life ahead of you and with a bit of support you can get back into your fashion and selling your brand..

    Don't beat yourself up because you feel like this..I have been through all those feelings you have even feeling bitter.. I just wanted to hide in my room and never come out..To be left alone.This is all the sypmtoms of depression..You have had a lot to deal at such a young age in the loss of your father..

    It can get better.. You just need support to get throughit..

     

    • rich32120
      rich32120 laura11452

      Posted

      Im currently waiting on my 2nd appointment with a counselor. And no ive never taken medicine. And I think she moved on quick because emotionally she tried really hard to support me and I didn't return the favor, like i said I just pushed her and others away without really knowing why. I definitely have depression, and as a kid my parents argued with each other about doing stuff with me but neither one did. My whole life ive been like this.
    • laura11452
      laura11452 rich32120

      Posted

      Thats great your in counselling..Its going to take time Rich to work through stuff so hold in there.. I know its horrible feeling like this and it seems that no one understands how you really really feel deep down.. But the counsellor will hlep you work through this difficult time and you will start to feel better..

      Its very hard to give a grilfriend support when you are struggling yourself..After all you did lose your dad..So don't beat yourself up about that..I have pushed people away when I have been depressed because I feel they wouldn't understand or they have alot stuff going on and I can only deal with my own right now..All very normal when you feel low..This will change in time as well..

      What do you mean you have been like this your whole life?

       

    • rich32120
      rich32120 laura11452

      Posted

      Never being satisfied with anything, because my ex made me very happy but even if she was content I wasn't comfortable and deep down always over analyzed people or the situation. Like when we went shopping and ate out, I felt we could always be doing more or something better. And now its catching up with me all at once. Because I use to load out pigs with my dad. It felt good making the money and spending time with him, and instead of using that money to go out and stay busy and productive. I bought cigarettes and stayed in my room, I had thoughts like " this is an easy life, watching TV and having my smokes" but it wasn't enjoyable at all. And now im even worse. I dont play video games,watch TV or really listen to music. And when I do things with my brother or mom like taking our dogs for a walk or doing something with my nieces. Im not happy. I feel like there's a mental block to being happy or truly enjoy stuff
    • laura11452
      laura11452 rich32120

      Posted

       You miss your dad and your still grieving.. 

      It also sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to do more be better, never feeling what you do is good enough.

      That mental block you have will go it is just going to take time.. I also think its a coping mechanism when we are in a lot of pain and don't know how to handle it..

      Don't be too hard on yourself..Take one day at a time..Know that if you stick to the counselling in time things will get better..

      Maybe talk to your doctor again about getting an anti depressant to help you get through this rough patch..

      I have been where you are and I lost interest in everything..I love music and movies and when I was down i didn't even want to get out of bed or wash..I didn't think it was going to end.. I felt so lonely and dead inside.. I am now coming out the other end.. Yes I got days I didn't want to live..But I thought of the times I did have good life, I did laugh, I had interest in things..That is what kept me going..

      Trust that this is just a rough patch and slowly but surely it will get better..

      You will get back into fashion and get your own brand going..Hold on to that..

      keep talking on here..If your more comfortable send a private message when things get tough.. You not on your own and you will get someone to talk to..

  • hypercat
    hypercat rich32120

    Posted

    Hi Rich my depression started at around 6/7 but it was never picked up or treated until I had a breakdown at 19 and ended up in hospital. 

    In my 20's I faced a stark choice - I could either kill myself or I could find all the treatment available and teach myself things too.  If that failed well I could always do the first option but I had nothing to lose by trying.   To that aim I got anti-depressants and sought counselling.  

    I then decided I needed to make friends coz I had never learnt in childhood and never had any before.  I watched and studied how other people behaved and started copying them.   It took quite a while but I did learn and I did start to make friends.   Once I did that I was quite a lot happier.  Then I took up a hobby by chance - playing darts.   That is my passion and I still play as much as possible today.  It also had the benefits of providing a good social life as I love pubbing and playing. 

    The point I am making is that there are a lot of things you can do to help yourself starting with the treatment.   Once you set the ball rolling it sort of gathers momentum by itself and before you know it you are finding life quite a lot better.   I never expected to find happiness - just a way to keep on going and surviving.   I did and do find some happiness though.   I have also learned to deal with my depression and not keep beating myself up all the time.    If I can do it then so can you.  You can always keep the suicide option as a comfort blanket which I have.  I have held off this for 35 years by deciding each day when I get up that today isn't going to be the day I do it.   x

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