New here, sharing my story. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.
Posted , 4 users are following.
I just turned 20 recently & I've had severe anxiety since I was 11. It started when I entered the 6th grade & only seemed to get worse. I'm not sure why it began, but it's a terrible thing to live w/ & I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. High school was the worst. My panic attacks were out of control (more than usual) & w/ them came depression. I was even suicidal for a period of time since I'm being completely honest here. I went to see many therapists/ counselors & tried many pills. This goes on for a while and I finally found a combination of medicine that seemed to work okay (minus the side effects of nausea etc.) so after graduating HS I decided to quit the pills. I really could better control my anxiety, but now, my 2nd yr. in college, my anxiety has gotten out of hand again. I feel like I have zero control over my life & I hate it. I thought I could get better but to instead find out that I've completely regressed is a major source of anger for me. I just want this to go away without having to take medicine for it. I don't know what to do I just know this can't be ignored anymore.
2 likes, 5 replies
hypochondriac JSS015
Posted
Goodluck with your journey, I suffer anxiety and I am 20 years old
It's been out of control for 3 years since my first day time panic attack as I used to get them as a young child but only at night.
I suffered heart palpitations 24/7. There isn't a moment in th the day that I can't feel my heart
I also suffer extreme hypochondria where if one of my friends throws the insult "you're cancer" at me when we game I freak out and look up possible cancers I could have for hours
It really had gotten out of control, il get my echo results for my heart back soon and if all is Normal il be forced to stop looking for diagnosis and face my anxiety for once.
Purpledobermann JSS015
Posted
Thank you for sharing your story. You will find a lot of people in a similar situation here. But remember that everyone is different and what works for some may not work for all.
That said, I have a few questions for you, because some things need to be clarified:
How long were you on a steady course of medication that seemed to be working?
What supporting therapy have you attempted while taking medication and for how long?
Severe anxiety that starts at the age of 11 cannot be without reason - stress overload does not happen to children without a serious cause. Was there a death in the family or someone becoming hospitalized around that time? Was there a lot of fighting at home? Were you bullied? Was your family struggling financially? Were your parents abusive? Have they divorced? Did you get exposed to any chemicals at a young age? Marijuana smoke or other recreational drugs? Were you medicated frequently with OTC meds or anything else at all? Did you have any health problems? Was your diet ok? Were you overdosing on sugar or soft-drinks? (Don't need answers to these as mot will be very personal, just trying to highlight the possibilities - they are endless....something triggered you and it may be important in your case to get to the bottom of it with the help of a good therapist - not everyone needs to know why but something about what you are saying makes me think that you need to know why to minimize the effects it has on you now - regardless of whether the causes were psychological or chemical).
At the point where you are now, it sounds too early to worry about being on medication and getting stubborn about getting better without medicine. You probably need to last out a full course of therapy and build your defenses up as you go along. Medication is there to help you stabilize enough so that you can work on yourself. It takes nothing away from you. You are still in control when medicated. People get this so wrong when they assume that medication does the work for you artificially - once again medication forces your brain into more appropriate patterns so that YOU can work it all out! It is never medication, it is always you.
Your case sounds very advanced and my instinct is that you need treatment to stop the suffering and get you on the right track. I think you have been suffering needlessly for too long as it is. You can aim to be medication free when you are done with therapy and it sounds to me like it was cut short (less than the duration of HS
not enough. Or was inadequate. Likely both.
Anxiety is surmountable, it is for some of us, a part of our growth and it feels good on the other side, once you are there and able to take any proverbial bull by the horns. First, you need to be helped eliminate disproportionate stress responses. I really feel it is important.
Best of luck.
JSS015 Purpledobermann
Posted
Thank you for your response! I will try my best to answer all your questions throughly. To begin, I'm not sure exactly what caused my anxiety when I was 11 but I have an idea. I've always hated change since a very young age, it just made me uncomfortable. The change from elementary school to middle school frightened me & seemed to trigger my anxiety. From there other events kept adding onto it always keeping it around. For instance, my parents did start fighting & in 8th grade not only did they get separated (& my mom had me help her find a new place to live) but also a very close family friend had passed away from cancer, my 'boyfriend' dumped me (not really serious, more like close friends), & my childhood dog had to be put to sleep. It was a lot of negative change during a short amount of time and that definitely caused my anxiety to become severe. When I entered high school that transition didn't help either. I was a mess, couldn't even eat in the cafeteria because I would have panic attacks the entire time. But fast forward a couple years (my junior yr) I noticed that I was having genuine feelings of empty hopelessness like what's the point of living like this when I'm so unhappy. It scared me that things had gotten so bad so my mom took me to speak with therapists (the first one just a person to talk to, the second one a cognitive behavioral one, and the last one a phycrotrists to prescribe the medicine). I believe I was on Zoloft & something that started with an H to help me sleep at night. I was only on them for no more than a year. I was improving and felling much better but coming to college has reminded me how stressed I can get and my grandma had passed away at the beginning of my first college semester, then my dad's house got foreclosed on this past summer which I was there for (but that's another entire long story), and we found out that my grandpa has cancer as well. A lot has happened that I had no control over and it upsets me that I can't even control myself. I've become a super angry person who's very aggressive and unhappy with myself. I often take my frustration out on the people who I care about the most and I just don't want to be this person anymore.
Purpledobermann JSS015
Posted
Wow JSS015...Thank you for sharing. You are spot-on! I would like to say, in all honesty, you sound very mature for your age. And extremely capable one at that!
This is probably a result of being forced out of childhood carefree zone rather early on and feeling a somewhat weighted down by your mother's turmoil at the time of her separation. The separation was followed by a string of splashes of harsh realities of life, losses, changes beyond your control, frightening events and sadness. Basically you found yourself somewhat stranded emotionally. This gave rise to your depression, anxiety and it externalised in a school's socially demanding setting where you found it hard to identify with more lighthearted energies around you (other students). You lacked direction and were already feeling hopeless. Your school agoraphobia and resistance to change is common with people who develop depressive disorders at an early age. It is surmountable.
Your aggression and anger stem from pain. Perhaps uunderstanding this, seeing yourself as a frightened wounded child, will help you forgive and nurture yourself in ways thyat you were perhaps not nurtured at times you were frightened and sensitive. Not because your parents were bad people but because they were consumed witht heir own problems. It happens to the best of us.... Know that understanding and healing this is a process, this forgiveness comes over time and you should feel no pressure to get there immediately. This too is surmountable.
Your most pressing concern is to understand that you are not these emotions and reactions. This is just the outcome from the battery your soul endured. You are not broken or damaged. You are just hurting. The fact that you dislike your reactions, the discomfort you feel with yourself just means you are geared up for growth. if you felt no discomfort, you would never try to move and grow! So try to take it as a blessing. I am confident that years from now when you look back you will find that everything that you are going through now was perfectly geared to push you in the best direction for growth.
I think you have a lot of ability to not only cope but to thrive.
I do feel you owe yourself a break. Look at it this way...you have the flu. You will eat soup and drink tea and nuorish and rest your body so that you can recover. Same with this. You are reeling from chronic stress build-up. Treat yourself gently. Silence your nagging mind that is telling you you are a terrible person and the mind that tells you you should be afraid or feel hopeless. You are not your reactions. You are the person you strive to be. Otherwise you would not be striving!
I strongly advise you to get really stubborn about seeking and completing a good therapy to cut this suffering short. I think that with a good therapist, and possibly medication a bit better than zoloft (so many new drugs out there now) you will be back up very quickly. In fact not back up, just up in a place of more confidence and power with a whole new set of coping skills that will make you all the more resistant to succumbing to stress and plot-twists in life....of which there are plenty
You can try the unmedicated route for sure, but i think that you have been reeling for too long to prolong this any further. Medication will help you regroup much faster and more efficiently.
Sending much love from someone who also got lost in pain, changes and more than she was equipped to handle at a tender age. Fast forward...38 years old, mother of 2 girls - still growing
but definitely not caving anymore. My therapy was inadequate at first so it ended up rather prolonged. 12 years in total. In an era where there is more information out there and more options, you are in a better place to seek out your best path for growth without wasting too much time.
Get stubborn about the right things - feeling good! x
Alexandra
deleted JSS015
Posted
Are you sure you are happy with the college course you are on, Anxiety comes when we feel out of control and doing something we really do not want to do. Sit quiety and think about what you would like to do with your life, what would give you pleasure even if it is a 'dead end' job. Try and live in the moment, make sure you are perfectly fit by getting a health overhaul. The panics usually denote that we are trying to get away from something, from doing something we do not want to do. As I said sit quiety and write everything down and visualise a wonderful life ahead. I find it helps to look at Earth from a distance and imagine myself on it and how wondrous it all is. xx