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No hope.

Posted , 6 users are following.

Ugh.
Ugh.

So I'm a sophomore in high school who has been struggling with depression since the 6th grade, and severe anxiety/PTSD since the end of the last school year. I am extremely intelligent, with an IQ above 150 and lots of talents, but it just doesn't feel like I matter at all. I haven't done well in school for years, and I'm still getting Ds and Fs on my report card. I wanted to go to Stanford, and I'm sure I could if I wasn't so lazy and unmotivated. My neurotypical mother doesn't seem to understand that I just can't bring myself to do the work necessary to perform well in school. My brother makes fun of me for my anxiety and ADD, telling me I have no friends and I'm a weirdo for being unable to get through the day without an anxiety attack. I keep telling myself that I can motivste myself and achieve so much, but I never do. I'm just stuck in this endless loop of laziness and helplessness. I've attempted suicide 3 times now, gotten into drugs; I keep telling myself I'm redeemable but at this point I don't even know if it's worth it. At this point I'm just dragging myself through life. I know I'm just a teenager, but being "gifted" as I am, I have had a huge amount of pressure put on me. I'm always told "You could be amazing if you would just TRY"

And I do. I TRY to try. I get close, but I'm always stuck here, feeling worthless and unnecessary. 

Any shred of hope I had for myself is pretty much gone. I've always been known as that stupid energetic drama queen girl who never does her homework, and I'm sick of it. I've developed trichotillomania and various personality disorders, yet no matter how much I suffer- It's never because of depression, or anxiety, or ADD. It's because I'm lazy, or silly, or "unable to take things seriously". I'm treated like a child for aspects of my personality that I could never change, no matter how hard I try. For the longest time it felt like I was the only one who had faith in what I could achieve, and now I don't even have that. 

0 likes, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • Ugh.
    Ugh.

    Posted

    I guess what I want to know is, in all honesty, is trying even worth it anymore? I know I will never be happy with myself if I continue to live this way, but I don't know how to stop. It feels like I've tried everything, and it just doesn't feel like there's any hope left for me.
    • fee25
      fee25 Ugh.

      Posted

      Hello, I don't know as much about what's on offer over in America in regards to help but have you spoken to your GP about feeling this way? There may be support that they can offer you in regards to your schooling/exams/coursework etc. that can defer certain modules or exams etc. 

      Don't give up, you have a lot a head of you and a lot to look forward to - it's just hard to see it in front of you because depression clouds your vision. You're obviously very smart and that is something to cherish, find something you enjoy, that you are passionate about and use that to shed some positives into your daily life. You have nothing to lose by trying, you can get through this! 

  • jim48507
    jim48507 Ugh.

    Posted

    You should seek proffessional help with a good therapist you can sort all this out with.  Check with your local mental health office or local clinic to see if you can connect with one.  Or call the boystown hotline to see if they can advise you(they also help females even though it's called "boystown".  Maybe some group therapy would also help.  Don't give up yet.
  • SkyeBeth
    SkyeBeth Ugh.

    Posted

    I remember through highschool I achieved only average grades.  I came from a low socio-economic background and found the teachers were rather judgemental of this.  I never received the support from the teachers a lot of the other students got and often felt marginalised because of my background.  I wanted to study Justice at univeristy and got in through a program specifically for students like me even though I didn't have the grades. In a completely different environment I excelled and ended up winning a Masters Scholarship.  What I'm trying to say is don't give up.  Please go see your GP and start discussing medication and counselling.  You are so young and have your whole future ahead of you.  Also start looking into alternative pathways into university or college if you don't believe you have the grades to make it in to the course that you want.  You need to re-gain that faith in yourself.  One way to do that is to take Fees advice and find something you are passionate about and enjoy and apply yourself to it.  Do you have any hobbies at the moment?     
  • Ugh.
    Ugh.

    Posted

    Thank you all. I have spoken to my GP; I am on both Prozac and methylphenedate, and I have a therapist as well. While all these things help, it just never seems to be enough. I see my therapist and take my medications regularly. I've tried higher doses, I've spoken to several different people and nothing ever really seems to help more than just a little bit. I visited my father over spring break a while back and forgot to bring my Prozac- after about a week without it I still felt the same as I had while taking it. (I know it is dangerous to do this, thankfully all was well.) Personally I don't enjoy being on Prozac because it can be dangerous and in the long run just doesn't seem to help at all..

    I've done everything I can think of to treat my depression and anxiety- Everyone tells me I just have to motivate myself, but my question is; how am I supposed to motivate myself when my brain literally won't allow me to?

  • LadyBlacklight
    LadyBlacklight Ugh.

    Posted

    I suffered depression, social anxiety and suicidal tendencies from Year 7 - 13. (I guess over in America it'd be Grades 6 - 12). So I can understand somewhat of your situation.

    I had little to no friends, bullied relentlessly so I can understand the issue you have of being called a 'weirdo' for not being able to make it through the day.

    Unfortunately I got help through an unhealthy route. I attempted suicide on my 8th try and was caught. I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS.

    A lot of people here are asking you to go to your doctors - although I agree, maybe they don't understand exactly how hard it is for us 'young people' with severe anxiety to go through something like this with no support. Going to a doctor, guidance counsellor in school or getting help professionally is the best way to go - sticking to forums like this, talking to people who understand is one way to tackle that anxiety SO you can go to the next step of getting help.

    You're not the first one to go to your guidance counsellor about these issues. Neither will your doctor be shocked to hear it either. These people are here to help you.

    As are we here on the forums. As are suicide hotlines.

    Use these resources when you feel the worst.

    Please. You're life is worth living even if you don't see it right now.

  • scorpionstale
    scorpionstale Ugh.

    Posted

    Ugh, I belIeve you fall into a different category than most sufferers. One that isn't studied well and doesn't respond to typical treatment. I know, I've been (still) there.

    I graduated top of my class in '03 (I'm 30) my IQ is right there with you. The problem, I've found after studying myself for years, is our view on the world. Do you find yourself easily categorizing what is and is not important, while wondering why people make a Big Deal over such trivial things? Perhaps you feel that your reality isn't the same as everyone else's. It isn't, you operate on a completely different level that only a few are "lucky" enough to see.

    You're probably really good at finding the solution to complex problems, but find that no one ever listens, because they don't understand how it works. It is frustrating when you can see so clearly, and no one gets it, so you stop offering help.

    Drugs hardly help. You're too smart to be comfortably numb because you won't experience the highs that counter the lows and you'll be all too aware of it.

    Here's how I deal, it's gotten me this far:

    GOALS. Always (always! ) be working towards something. Big and realistic ones that can keep you striving for a while. You know that you can do absolutely anything you put your mind to, if you really want it. You have to give yourself purpose, an "I'm putting up with it today, because..."

    DON'T BE HARD ON YOURSELF. You will always be your hardest critic. Don't let people tell you you're squandering you abilities, at least don't listen. You have to do what you can, what works for you, even if it is the most menial thing imaginable that stimulates you to keep going. You'll be the best at it, anyway.

    FIND A FRIEND that understands (and appreciates) that you are different. One you can turn to when you're ready to throw it all away that isn't going to run screaming for a warden to fit your jacket. You need someone you can share it with to get it out of your head once in a while. You don't really want to kill yourself, it's just the most logical conclusion from time to time (as we see it) and you need to be reminded that it really isn't.

    I won't lie and tell you it gets easier, but it does get more manageable. I'm sure I'll get loads of criticism for this, but it is worth it, if it helps you. We are rare, and occasionally we do make a difference. The rewards are worth sticking around for.

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