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Overwhelming Negative Thoughts

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mary18945
mary18945

Hi Everyone! So I have had anxiety issues since I was a kid but this last year or two has been the worst it's ever been for me. I find myself always reverting back to my negative thinking ways. I haven't seen a therapist or a professional because frankly I can't afford it and I always end up chickening out when I do find a somewhat affordable place. 

I've been researching a lot about different anxiety disorders and I'm most relatable to that of OCD and I definitely feel I have depression as well. I'm sorry if my post is a little excessive but I find that even writing it all down, gives me some relief of all the stress I feel. I would really love any feedback and any type of help you could all give me. 

I am constantly making myself feel like I'm a bad person. I have a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind on a daily basis. I will bring up bad memories from the past of things that I did wrong or when I had made bad judgements. It's really hard for me to try and move on from past mistakes. I am always saying in my head, "I should of did this" and "why didn't I do that instead." I beat myself up over things I can't change. I notice that anytime there is something that is going good for me, I will find reasons why I don't deserve it or why I'm not worthy of having it in my life. 

I also have panic attacks when driving alone. I always worry that I hit someone or something and didn't realize it or notice. I turn the radio down real low so that I can hear every noise just in case. I get so nervous and worried that I will check my car a bunch of times just to see if there's any type of damage or difference. I think the worst if I feel a bump or hear any type of ding. 

I think the biggest thing that triggers my anxiety disorder is my fear of how people perceive me to be. I really need reassurance from others in order to feel like I'm doing things right or that I'm a good person. Everything I do or say in front of people, I analyze. I try and figure out what they are thinking and how they are judging me. I just want everyone To like me and think I'm a good person. I try to relate to everyone so that they have a positive view of me. I am always in fear of people getting the wrong idea or misinterpreting something I said and in doing so, they think I'm a terrible person. 

 

I also get really stressed out whenever I go into stores because I get worried that the people working there will think me or the person I'm with is trying to shoplift. I will as far as buying something I don't even really want just so that they don't think I went there just to steal something. 

When leaving the house, I go over everything  in my head and if I'm not sure whether I locked, shut or turned something off before I left, I worry the entire time something will happen to my dogs while I'm away because of it. Like if I don't make it apparent that I checked all candles were blown out, then I will just worry that my house will burn down with my dogs in it. 

There is a lot more that goes on in my head but I don't want to over load you guys in just one post. I am hoping that some of you can relate to any of the issues and can give me some advice as to what helps you. It can be so isolating living with an anxiety disorder because I know I keep these thoughts to myself since I know no one else in my life can understand what I'm going through. I avoid a lot of the things I love because they trigger my OCD thoughts and it just makes me so stressed and depressed. I want to be able to control my thoughts and just  be happy. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my long post and I look forward to hearing anything you have to say about it.  

21 likes, 74 replies

74 Replies

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  • tayla23123
    tayla23123 mary18945

    Posted

    Hi Mary. 

    Going by what you're experiencing I would highly recommend going to see someone and chat to a professional. It may be expensive, but in the long run it will be so so beneficial.

    I myself have had a lot of this year ruined by disturbing uncontrollable thoughts about death and me dying, and thinking constantly my family dying, thinking of just everything in life in such a negative way.

    Where it has gotten to a point where it has completely taken over my life and I cannot control the thoughts and my actions.

    Letting myself live like this for this whole year has turned me into a mess, I currently can't even work anymore because of my stress levels, and because it's made me feel severely depressed and anxious and have many physical symptoms because of this.

    I just started seeing a psychologist 3 weeks ago. And in those three sessions I can start to see that I am going to over come this, it may not be easy and it may not be soon but I can already tell that getting someone to help me is the first step into finding a resolution to all this suffering it causes us.

    So please consider seeking some proffers ions therapy x 

    • mary18945
      mary18945 tayla23123

      Posted

      Hi Tayla!

      Thank you for your response! I agree that taking the time out to speak with a professional would be a huge benefit. I do plan on seeking therapy but I have also recently been interested in learning more about certain meds. Do you or someone you know take any kind of anti-depressants? I feel like even if I get help with my anxiety, my depression will still be a big factor in my everyday life.

      I've noticed that it's not only affected me mentally but physically as well. My sleep habits are horrible. I have trouble falling asleep and then getting out of bed once I am asleep. I have no energy and just don't feel excited about anything anymore.

      It's extremely isolating to live with and I do want to get help but would also love to still be apart of a group like this where I can talk with people who struggle with the same kind of issues.   

    • tayla23123
      tayla23123 mary18945

      Posted

      I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but I feel if I don't get my act together very soon I will fall into that dark hole which I really do not wish to enter. But I am very moody and emotional lately. I have been put on avitan to handle the anxiety but taking it when required as I don't want to be to reliant on the medications. How about yourself? 

      I can totally relate to how you feel that you can't talk to anyone because no one who doesn't go through this has no idea what we go through and no idea how much this can affect our lives. I'm at breaking point at the moment I really don't know what to do. I can't believe I've let myself get like this, it's going to be a long road to recovery but all I want to be is myself again and I want to look forward to doing all the things I enjoy doing. 

      Have you tried anything like meditation, yoga and Pilates? That would boost your energy levels up. Because of how I feel I haven't done any of that in weeks, it's easier said that done. But I'm sure you can relate to feeling so unmotivated to just do nothing. I feel stuck 

    • mary18945
      mary18945 tayla23123

      Posted

      I definitely don't want to rely on medications either. The thought of it just makes me nervous. I have never taken any kind of medication besides Adderall in High School but I took myself off of it because the side effects were horrible. I actually think it made my anxiety worst overall. 

      I totally understand how you feel. It really makes you feel like there's no point in doing anything other than what your thoughts tell you to do and that's just to sit around and worry. It's a vicious cycle that's hard to turn off. 

      I have never tried meditation or yoga before but I have heard it works for a lot people. 

      It's crazy because I used to think of my anxiety as always being a burden but at the same time, it was like a security blanket. I thought it was a way of thinking that could keep me out of trouble and that would always have me prepared for the worst because I was constantly worrying about all the bad possibilities. Now, it's just gotten to be overwhelming to the point of not being able to enjoy the simple things anymore.

    • keri40957
      keri40957 tayla23123

      Posted

      HI Tayla,  I hope you are doing well. I know this post is older, but I am going through the same thing...I have suffered with bad anxiety for most of my life, and I chalk it up to my childhood.  My mother was an alcoholic and I think alot of my issues stemmed from that.  My anxiety is ALWAYS about death, dying, family members being sick, etc.  In my opinion, it is one of the worst forms of anxiety because it is centered around death.  I was curious to know how you made/or are making out with the psychologist?  Do you find it helpful?  I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and I really hate feeling like this, it take the joy out of everything and I don't want them to suffer because of it.  Currently, my thyroid is overactive (postpartum) and that makes the already bad anxiety 1000xs worse....  So please, if you have had success, let me know, as I may take the same route.  Thank you!

       

    • ebony6065
      ebony6065 keri40957

      Posted

      I can relate to you absolutely about this anxiety.. I've been feeling this way for almost a year now. Will be a year in March. Fear of death anxiety has gotten so bad for me that it even haunts my dreams at this point. Been having dream of people dying and things that revolve around death for the past few months now. Can anyone else relate?

    • Guest
      Guest mary18945

      Posted

      Hi Mary, I know i might be 3 years late to reply because Im a newbie here. Ok what I can suggest you right now is go learn meditation. Have you heard of Transcendental Meditation? Its quite a worldwide known. Go look for a centre in ur country and also ask for TM teacher. Only teachers who learn TM is qualified to teach us how to meditate. Doing this meditation, not only helps with Anxiety and depression but much more. U can search under google. Type Transcendental Meditation. You can read a lot of articles there. Hope this help. I once to used to have anxiety and depression but after learning TM, i have found a new person in me. 
    • mike82428
      mike82428 ebony6065

      Posted

      100 percent, dreams have even been so real it takes me a minute to realize it was a dream.
  • Rady0802
    Rady0802 mary18945

    Posted

    i had a very long experience, at the end i stopped medications, i changed my lifestyle, i concentrated on sports, starting training on boxing.had a very healthy diet, and took magnisium supplement with my food, which is good for anxiety. i turned all my life in just one month. its all in the mind, just fight it and you will be able to just ignore all the things you used to think about and go forward.
  • ashley86595
    ashley86595 mary18945

    Posted

    Hi everyone, I myself am really suffering with anxiety again and the biggest part at the moment are negative thoughts. Every negative thing I hear, be it on the news or the radio I then think I will go through it or do something bad! I know I won't but it really makes me feel crazy. I just want to be able to focus on positive thoughts again and get back to normal life without dreading every day! Anyone have any tips to overcome this? I have just started a book on CBT and have returned to the councillor I saw previously
  • mark16290
    mark16290 mary18945

    Posted

    Hi Mary.  I would just like to offer you some kind words and advice.  Feel free to take or leave any of it.  My situation isn't the same as yours but I have certainly dealt with anxiety and depression.  The feelings/emotions we all have with this have to be somewhat similar.  

    First, I want to say that some of your intuitions on why this is happeneing to you are spot on.  The negative thought patterns are what you are going to want to focus on breaking.  Also, trying to make everyone like you is an impossible goal that will further the cycle.  I'm encouraged that you are able to understand that these are the causes.  It makes me feel like you have a really good shot of beating this thing because you understand the problem.  For me, I didn't understand.  I was stuck in that all too familiar all or nothing thinking.  I took this next part from the clinical-depression uk website:

    "We can all make inner statements about ourselves but that doesn't make them true. Consider the following questions:

    Can I be basically an intelligent person and still do something stupid?

    Can I love my children and still get angry with them sometimes?

    Can my partner love me but sometimes be insensitive?

    Can one part of my life be difficult and other parts be easier and more enjoyable?

    Can a part of my life be difficult now but in the future get easier?

    Can some parts of an experience (such as a social engagement or vacation) be awful and other parts of it be OK?

    Becoming less rigid in our thinking allows us to avoid using All or Nothing statements to depress ourselves without examining their validity. Using this 'cognitive' technique will literally allow you to spot what you are doing and therefore challenge its accuracy.

    Remember: A major reason people depress is because of the way they perceive reality. Once this begins to broaden, depression has little to cling on to and will start to lift. Depression often centers around one recurring belief, such as "I'm just not the sort of person other people like."

    Deliberately challenging this and coming up with alternative evidence starts to break down the depression. This can often be easier with the help of a friend or properly-trained therapist."

    Second, I'll tell you what I think about the solutions out there and my experience.  For one, there is no miracle cure.  If you have that thinking you are going to be disappointed.  This takes some time, but don't get discouraged by that.  You can do it!  Statistics show that anti-depressents (ADs) work extrememly well for 33% of people.  For another 33% they are somewhat beneficial, and the remaining 33% see no benefit in them at all.  ADs treat symptoms of depression, i.e. low serotonin and increased REM sleep, but they don't cure it.  If you take the ADs but don't challenge your negative thinking patterns you might feel better for sometime, but will eventually have a relapse.  I would suspect for those people who were completely cured by ADs that it made them feel good enough to make changes in their thinking patterns.  

    Statitiscially, therapy is by far the most beneficial in treating this.  Specifically those that focus on changing your thinking.  You don't want the traditional talk based therapy that focuses on your past.  You need to be looking to changing the future.  You can do this yourself if you have the ability to start challenging your thinking.  To do this you are going to have to find ways to relax so you can get better sleep and prepare your mind to challenge the negative thinking.  You can start writing down possible alternatives to the negative thoughts.  Challenge the things you say like, everyone thinks I'm shoplifting in the store.  Come up with alternatives for why they might really be looking at you.  If you get proper rest and really start beleiving in these alternatives you can get the depression to lift.  

    I started taking Citaprolam 20mg.  It has made me feel better.  My anxiety was triggered by a situation that I can't change.  Of course I still think about it every day, but how I perceive it has changed, which makes all the difference.  I would also like to start therapy even though I'm feeling better, but like you I chicken out everytime I find a facility to call.  Statistics show that therapy is much better at preventing relapses than medication alone.  

    Sorry for the long response.  If you want to check out the clinical-depression uk website I find the learning path very informative.  I wish you the best and I hope you feel better really soon.  If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.

    • mary18945
      mary18945 mark16290

      Posted

      Hi Mark! Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and advice. Reading it really gave me a sense of relief.

      I totally agree with everything you have said. My way of thinking especially in regards to myself and my life is always concrete and black and white. I compare myself to people who I feel are good and well respected/liked and if I don't do/ haven't done all things as they do/ have done, I automatically tell myself that it's a  major flaw and that it means I'm a bad person or not worthy of the same kind of things/lifestyle. It's not usually that simple but that's basically how it always ends up panning out in my head.

       I know that probably sounds confusing and strange but it's the only way I can describe it. That's where my need for others reassurance comes into play. For instance, I have people in my life that I feel are prime examples of the kind of person I'd like to be and who value the same kind of things I do. My problem is, I constantly compare the things I do, have done in the past, etc to that of them. I'm not perfect and I'm sure they aren't either but I tell myself all the time that the flaws I have and the mistakes I have made automatically disqualify me from being able to do the same kinds of thing they or other people like them do. Whenever there is something that means a lot to me and that makes me happy, I automatically think of reasons why I don't deserve it and why I shouldn't have it in my life. It causes me to just distance myself because I don't want something that on one hand brings me such happiness to also make me feel guilty or undeserving of it all. 

      Does this make sense to you or anyone else? I definitely get that my mindset it really unrealistic but it's hard to change  it because like I also said, it's been like a security blanket for me because I feel like it's a rational way to stay safe from disappointment, trouble and the unknown. 

      My biggest thing is that I try to be as conscious as I can of the things I do or say because I am terrified of being judged. One of the major things that stress me out is that I don't always know exactly what people are thinking of me and so I assume the worst. 

    • margaret21458
      margaret21458 mary18945

      Posted

      Hi Mary,

      I know this is an old post to respond to but I feel the same as you do in so many ways.

      I am hoping you are getting better.

      One thing I think is my problem (big time)

      I think that I think too much!

      Plus...I was always a people pleaser. I got very tired of this, and now with age. (I'm 54)

      Time, and complete exhaustion....I do what's best for me!!!

      If I don't want to do something, I'm at a point, I don't do it!

      I don't think like in the past.... Well if I don't go she'll be upset, or if I don't do that he'll be mad.....my attitude is, I do what I want! Please yourself and believe me you'll feel better. No one else really cares! I'm tired of putting everyone in front of myself. So getting a bit selfish (for once) has helped immensely!

      Take Care, Margaret xo

      PS....Also, I read something somewhere that says, what people think of me is none of my business.

      If they have nothing else to do but think of me and what I'm doing .....then they need to get a life!

      Lol

  • michael01338
    michael01338 mary18945

    Posted

    Hi mary. I have almost identical habits, syptoms, whatever you want to call them. My theory for myself is that mine stems from my childhood. My dad was abusive and violent. Always telling my brother and i how bad we were. My dad died from drinking too much. His literally drank hisself to death. I hate him to this day and then feel guilt over that. The man was a monster but i feel guilty over hating him for it. My mother abandoned us when i was nine. I have never had a heathy relationship that was long lasting. So i just stay single. If i make a mistake i get so mad at myself its unreal. I am always hard on myself. So youre not alone. I dont know if a therapist could help but i never go to find out . Maybe one day...
    • jen53184
      jen53184 michael01338

      Posted

      Hi Michael. i can relate a lot to your situation- my dad was abusive and a threatening alcoholic. He always put me and my brother down, he had a negative view on everything and it has made my brother and I very highly anxious and depressed. They say don't blame the past but these early issues do have an effect, for me, it has given me an innate thought process that f*cks up everything. I stay single because of it- mainly because i can never enjoy myself with another. Trust is difficult when you can't see the good in anything, especially if your parents weren't good role models to begin with. It's horrible as it seems never-ending. I'm in my mid twenties and I know that unless i can figure a way to stop criticising myself and overanalysing my every move, my life will be miserable. I'm hoping chatting to like minded people will help smile How are you now?
    • caltrenton
      caltrenton jen53184

      Posted

      Jen,

      Wow- where do i start- im 39- i've graduated from college, wasn't able to retain a successful career so unfortunately I am living with my father right now which I'm grateful have a place to stay but in the same token, I'm constantly f"ck$ing nay-sayed- second-guessed – talk down upon – questioned – analyzed dashed over analyze – everything I say or do is commented on and I'm told how I did it wrong or I made the wrong choice which is really really screwing with my head badly and I've told him this so many times to please stop and it's something that's inside him I guess I don't get it because now I do it to myself.. I am afraid to make decisions I'm so indecisive- I have those reoccurring thoughts of negative stuff from the past why did I do this,that why didn't act on that.... I've tried seen therapists and it's like talking to a wall or a picture... The only thing that has helped at all as medication and my tolerance for virtually any medication is so insanely excessive..... So, here I am I googled my problem I came to this website – obviously I'm looking for some type of help and it does help to know that unfortunatel so, here I am I googled my problem I came to this website – obviously I'm looking for some type of help and it does help to know that I am not alone in these feelings and what I'm dealing with mentally... ( I get the song "free will" by RUSH stuck in my head, where the lyrics say " if you choose not to decide you still of made a choice" ) I don't know why I put that in there but anyway... Although my dad wasn't abusive growing up as I got older I learned what a complete P rick his father was to him as he was growing up young, and as he was older I guess but it seems like the more learned about the way my grandfather treated my father the more my father started acting like my grandfather towards me and my older age?

      And I cannot take this much longer I see no future all I see is apathy I tried to imagine some positive but where will it come from, I think if I could meet a girl who I'm not settling for ( im even reluctant to do that ) if I can read a girl who is supportive and understanding Who is patient and kind.. All I would need is a whisper in the ear saying "You can do it" I believe I could... then I feel a lot of these feelings I have would melt away? Yes they would.. I have to be hopeful and I am – I I am looking forward to meeting the girl who totally gets me and I get her and I can rise out from this bull shizit like a phoenix from the ashes with my middle fingers in the air- feeling nothing but Love... I used to use affirmations and they worked, dammit I hate to mention this now but I distinctly remember my father saying or yelling actually " i'm sick of all this positive shzit!" - and words can help you get hurt and unfortunately the ones that hurt her seem to be the want to stick around or resonate I'm really growing to hate my father and it never used to be this way, are used to blame it on him getting older and just aging that people can only take so much anyway I have rambled on long enough here...

      Thanks for your postings everyone, hopefully I help someone if not know that you helped me.

    • sam4985
      sam4985 caltrenton

      Posted

      This post was a while ago but I seemed to be doing the same thing you did when you found this information. I Google search this and as I continued to read things I felt a little relief knowing there's people out there who share this insanity. After I read your post I was just way too blow away by what you explained because you hit it dead on. I even registered for this thing so I could reply to this because for the first time I felt like I wasn't alone. At least now I can go through the rest of my day today and from here on out knowing there others out there who are on my level of craziness

    • holly12345
      holly12345 jen53184

      Posted

      Hi jen , i know this is an old post but i would like to ask you some advise in my current situation.

      I am 18 years old and currently in college. When i was at home my dad began to ge controllive and my mum started to drink more and more, it got way to out of hand with my mum coming out in brusies and making excuses and my dad begain to take drugs, recently he has got my mum on to the same page as him, my dad is very strong minded and knows how to get himself out of tricky situations, out of all my brothers and sisters only me ad my big brother built up the courage to tell the social workers what my dad had really done , at the moment my dad has custody of my little brother and sister but has in the past threatened to come for and the people that i love including my boufriend, i am not t allowed to see my nana due to past situastions and so my dad tbinks i am living with my boufriend when really im lviingg with my nana i have told the social worker everytning who is now going to get everyone together to discuss what will happen with my younger siblings, i am petrified of my dad and i alwyas have been before i was born my dad was in and out of prison and know he has began ti act like this, this has been going on for over a year and im worried that when find out this was me he will come for me and i have no dount anout that wether people tell me to call the police i would but i alreaddy have a number of times and it has never been logged down and somehow i feel he will get a way round it and i have put my boyfriend at risk with my dad thinking i live thne t bevause that is the first place he will go , for many years he has controlled my mum i began to see a differenve in her apperancr and she has totally took my dads side, she was with him for many years and no is diluded to anyTthing he says, my anxiety has began to creep back up and i have a panic attacks every night it is now tuesday and i told my college on monday and already i fear to leave the house, i am beginning to feel weak and run down and i jump at any bangs at all, i desperatley need help on how to deal with my fear as i feel i am going to lose my head or have a breakdown😔😔

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