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Planned to OD last night

Posted , 5 users are following.

ellennj
ellennj

So I don't have the best home life and don't really get on with my family

don't think my parents want me

dad used to hit us

brothers always been the golden child despite being violent towards me was rewarded for this by going to judo classes (meant to be a creative outlet for his aggression)

Anyway me and mother don't have the best of relationships and all of my family have lost my trust or turned their back on me at one point or another

been struggling with depression and anxiety for a couple of years but only got help before Christmas

family don't care about my depression it's all very disfunctional

so anyway only really have my granddparents left and stayed with them at the weekend thought they were very supportive and loving

made a passing comment about my aunt (their daughter) saying that she was dead to me (a whole other story about how she betrayed me and said some vile things)

so my mum phoned my granddparents about this and now they have turned their backs on me never want to see me again Yada yada just another family member that hates me.

So I left home when I recieved this phonecall from them and spend most of last night sleeping in my car before breaking into the house

was planning on over dossing enough to get into hospital for the night but 'friends' found me before I could

therapist wants me to go into foster care teacher wants me to stick it out until uni

I've come back home but bought a lock and put it on my door to keep me safe and that's where ive been all of tonight

Ive never felt so alone and I really don't know what to do but I wish I did OD because at least I would be in hospital with people that care and be safe

mum knows I tried to OD (school told her) but she's had no contact with me since

I don't really know why I wrote this as I'm not really asking for advice I just need to get this out and I think giving this information to people that don't know me might help

I was on flouxetine but took myself of them 2 weeks ago as they weren't doing anything I really am just frozen in a time of complete and utter sh!tness and I really can't cope and don't know what to do anymore

1 like, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • lorraine52317
    lorraine52317 ellennj

    Posted

    Hi ellenji

    You are in a really rotten situation right now at the time of being most vulnerable. Firstly please don't OD in hope of getting care in hospital. You may end up in agony or worse. I think you may really benefit from foster care at this point in your life. It's important you have someone to lean on who genuinely wants the best for you.

    It'sa pity that the antidepressant you were given didn't help, but there are others out there that will.

    It sounds like you have had an awful start in life, that doesn't mean it will stay awful. Lots of wonderful things can come your way.

    You clearly don't feel safe where you are now. Give yourself the best shot to be happy...take the option of foster care and please try also to see doc about your depression. It's so sad that your family has let you down like this. Keep your head high, stay focused and grab a better lifestyle and prospects for yourself. Absolutely no OD ! You can get through this...take the help ♥♥♥♥

    • ellennj
      ellennj lorraine52317

      Posted

      Hi Lorraine thank you for your reply, I have a meeting with someone from the crisis team today and am currently waiting for them to arrive, whilst I think foster care would have been a good option a year ago and Id love to be able to have a new family that loves and supports me I will be leaving to move to uni in a couple of months so don't think that is the best option for me anymore. Quick update is that ive texted my nan and told her that I'm sorry if I've offended her but I'm not sorry for what ive said and basically told her that I think it's best if we no longer have contact (but I don't think she would have tried to contact me anyway). I think living in my room between school is the best option for now it's just very difficult and lonely given all of my pain killers that I have collected (about 50) to my teacher to get rif of the temptation but kept some for comfort. Ive got a meeting with someone in the next month to look into meds and find the one best for me but its a long wait so just going to clamber through
    • lorraine52317
      lorraine52317 ellennj

      Posted

      Bless you ♥♥

      I/we are all here for you if you need to vent. Promise come here first before contemplating taking tablets xxx

  • linda66990
    linda66990 ellennj

    Posted

    Hi Ellennj, That is heartbreaking.  I lived a similiar life as a child. I wanted to runaway so often, but I never could figure out where to go.  It was the start of depression for me.  I went to nursing school when I was 18 so that I could get out of there and became independent of them.  Then I moved 3000 miles away from them to keep them from bothering me. Someone, once told me I deserved to be happy and  didn't have to let all there problems ruin my life. 

    In your case, I would go to the foster home.  Do not OD.  It could cause brain damage.  We can't pick our parents.  You can have a good life. It is ok to take care of yourself. 

    Wishing you all the best .  Be brave and get help!

  • lynne82155
    lynne82155 ellennj

    Posted

    Please find someone to talk to it will help stay strong and safe my friendbiggrin
  • tanya73074
    tanya73074 ellennj

    Posted

    Hey Ellennj, It seems you are in a bit of a pickle right now. It sounds a lot like my situation when I was living at home. So hopefully I can give you a little insite and help guide you through this troubling time you are facing.

    The first thing I had to realise is that not everyone is nice people. Even family that are supposed to be nice, are not always that caring. The best thing I ever did was to gain some clarity and see what people really are. It helped me make a decision into what I needed to do.

    I do feel maybe your family are causing this depression and I think you need to take some time to think about yourself and whats best for you.

    It's horribible having to live with domestic violence, but trust me when I say this, it doesnt have to be forever, there is help and support out there to make your life easier, carry on taking that support with your therapist and always look forward, there is a future for you even if its hard for you to see it right now.

    If you're ever feeling weak just remember you are not on your own, you are allowed to feel weak and there is people out there that will help and support you till you feel more at ease with yourself, please, don't suffer in silence. Just tap me up smile Keep that chin up sweet, this is just a mere chapter in your life that one day you will be able to look back on and appreciate what you have in life. Don't give up, you are worth more than a bunch of bullies insecurities.

    Much love, Tanya smile

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