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Raped 27 years ago PTSD crippling me

Posted , 4 users are following.

Survivor_J
Survivor_J

I was raped when 15 by two men while on a youth trip.

I was repeatedly raped by them individually & together.

My flashbacks & psychosomatic pain is so very intense I don't want to be in my body any more.

 

0 likes, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • sam18386
    sam18386 Survivor_J

    Posted

    Hi Survivor j, I was only flicking through my messages when I read your post.  I am so sorry those miserable men thought this was a good thing to do.   They don't even deserve to live - I know exactly how you feel because I too was raped I wasn't 15 but age doesn't matter does it?  I was raped by a friend of a friend, it still makes me feel ill 23 years on.  Look after you - go insist on being helped and let someone know who you trust!  I'm going to pray for you.
    • Survivor_J
      Survivor_J sam18386

      Posted

      Thanks for the reply

      I have been on this road long enough to know 

      that trauma is unmeasurable and you are right age is irrelevant to PTSD it does not count on numbers or measures.

      i would say it forms from sheer fear & dispair. For me I thought I would surely die when I was raped. I was striped of any dignity & my only escape was into my mind. 

      Unfortuntley that mind held on to every smell, sound, sight & feeling and unannounced it ejects into my present day. I am then gagged, stuck in a torturous re membering re experiencing re traumatised state.

      If the trigger coincides with another present day trauma I am screaming for mercy inside.

      rape is not a single incident when you suffer from PTSD it is a haunting

  • amy_winehouse
    amy_winehouse Survivor_J

    Posted

    Firstly I want to say Thankyou for sharing.I raped 23yrs ago.I have been suffering dépression anxiety.just been diagnosed with p.t.s.d. so relieved,Im not on my own.I think you are a very brave woman.
    • Survivor_J
      Survivor_J amy_winehouse

      Posted

      Bless you Amy! 

      PTSD holds memory at a cellular level this means you can have an infernal trigger &/or external.

      For me internal trigger is a physical ailment that makes me panic as the feeling is reminiscent of a part of the rape. For me the throat is a mine field.

      An external trigger is a sound, a laugh, seeing the place the rape took place at, hearing the name of the perpetrators

      The dentist, a flight, the hairdressers, lifts anything that leads to me being restricted or stuck. I do push to partake in each one as a means of developing resilience but sometimes i can't.

      I suffered terrible night terrors for years waking in the early hours shaking, then rigour like I was paralysed always same time of early morning.

      I could go on & on 

  • sam18386
    sam18386 Survivor_J

    Posted

    I feel for you as I know what rape is like. Have you told anyone? Do you have a doctor you can trust? You Must tell someone - you need support. I'm 42 and was raped at 19, but couldn't tell my doctor until 3 years after ONLY now I'm having ivf have I discovered just what this has done. I have taken until 35 to get married and wouldn't trust my husband to try to have sex until age 40, when we wanted a family. I am going to be referred for psychosexual counselling but feel it's too late. Sex is cold, clinical makes me feel dirty and I've even tried to bleach my vagina after sex, several times. I want a baby to throw any thought of this cretin out of my life. I want him dead. We both need help, keep writing don't keep quiet!
  • jane_31622
    jane_31622 Survivor_J

    Posted

    I was raped when I was 12 and just became very numb and engaged in dangerous and promiscuous ways. My brother took his life 7 months ago and I feel this has triggered off feelings of guilt shame and self loathing. I am self medicating and drinking as I don't know how to get through the day. One of my close friends has been diagnosed with terminal cancer which has bought back feelings as both my parents died of cancer. Before my brother died I was in such a good place and I feel like my soul has been steamrollered!how are you coping?
    • Survivor_J
      Survivor_J jane_31622

      Posted

      Hi Jane,

      From my my experience when you experience a subsequent trauma as you have done with the sad loss of your brother. It can stack & merge with previous traumas. It sounds as though this is also happening with the diagnosis of a close freind. You have certainly been through a lot of loss.

      I think rape is a loss too.

      Guilt, shame & self loathing I can relate to.

      I have recently begun working with an EMDR practioner 

      i have found that the process has helped me realise that we all have a hero story about how we got through everything we have done.

      You definitely have a hero inside yourself.

      That essence you tapped into when you described the "good place" is you.

      Your raising up & then the latest loss has you feeling you are being knocked down. May feel like those old feelings & memories are going to disable you.

      You have only ever been guilty of coping.

      Promiscuity is a coping strategy to be in control.

      Your numbness indicates the shock & terror of your experience of being 

      raped at such a tender age.

      Have you ever been to a psychotherapist to work through your feelings surrounding the rape or loss?

      I am glad you have posted here & I think survivors of abuse can empower each other.

      love & light 

      x

    • jane_31622
      jane_31622 Survivor_J

      Posted

      Thank you for your kind uplifting words. Its hard o remember that inner strength when you feel so vulnerable and terrified. I had a bit of counselling around the rape. It took me 24'years to be able to cal it rape as I thought it was my fault. I triedEMDR after my mum died and it made me suicidal. I feel I need coping strategies at the moment rather Than raking up the past. Has anyone tried hypnotherapy? Sending lots of love for your words.
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