Sorry but have to talk

I am scared, what if they think I'm wasting there time. I really don't know what to do, yes I need to see them but have problems with how I'm feeling to them.

Blackhole: You are in such a bad place at the moment. And to make it worse, it's such a lonely place as well. I've been there all too often and you are not alone.

I've said this to someone else in another forum. My psychiatrist gives me one fundamental rule; "survival first". Right now, you do whatever you must to survive. If that means putting off engagements with friends, taking time off work, saying no to people's demands, giving yourself guilt-free permission to stay in bed, watching utter crap on youtube or TV for distraction, you do it. If you can, try and remember what it feels like NOT to be depressed, (as hard as that is when you are in the thick of it).

You and I and others on this forum know that depression does end. There IS relief on it's way. It's just so hard because we don't get an "end date" to the pain. Go to the doctor with a flu, and we know we're in for a sh*tty 6 to 10 days. See a surgeon and relief is offered at or around the date of surgery. With the black dog, we don't know when we can beat him back, but IT IS INEVITABLE THAT WE WILL. Try, if you can, to look forward to the time when the demon depression will be gone; where you will feel light again, smile again and have an interest in something, ANYTHTHING again.

I find music helps- Everybody Hurts by R.E.M and Don't Give Up by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush.

A little more unorthodox, is when I am like you are now, I stay up overnight. In close to 80% of cases it provides total relief as the hours tick by. By midnight I am able to speak, by two in the morning the lift-off is extraordinary and by four a.m I am up making coffee, (and, smoking a divine cigarette). I then have a depression free day. The depression does return after the next night of sleep, but for me, it is a wonderful break from the horror. The U.S is finally looking into a drug that will mimic what happens in the brain during sleep deprivation. 

I don't know how to provide the link for a youtube clip, but if you can, go to youtube and search- The Best Motivation Video 2015 - THE POWER OF THE MIND- (the channel is MOTIVATIONAL VIDEOS). This particular one is about depression, by Tyrese Gibson. It's about 8 minutes long and it helped me when I was downright suicidal.

And I agree with oldboy, you should see a doctor ASAP. In the meantime, remember, SURVIVAL FIRST.

I'm thinking of you. You CAN make it through. 

Thank you, thinking of moving it forward but it the earliest I got get with my Doctors, the others is hard to open up to, and still struggle with her, thanks will probably move it forward as I am so not in a good place,

Thank you

I look after my parents, my mum is dying and now needs help with eating and everything. She can't walk, hold her head and speech is difficult. Dad had new knee recently. Trying to be positive to them yes, they don't know as mum would blame herself which I can't allow. I'm positive around them but deep down I'm not coping. Watching someone die in front of you is hard, she is not even old. Which if she was I could make understand. I'm trying I really am but there comes a Time when it gets on top of you.