Understanding depression

Hi, im new to this forum. I sometimes visited to have a read through discussions and decided to make an account to try and connect to people who might feel the same as me. 

I'am female and 21yrs old, i have been suffering from depression for 7-8 years and anxiety for 3 years.

I have been taking 100mg of sertraline since January 15 (starting on 50mg and upped to 100mg in march)

Opinions on the drug; I exprienced terrible side effects as soon as taking it, dry mouth, severe headaches, excessive sleeping, incresed anxiety and low mood, general feeling of being spaced out. These side effects occured for about 2 weeks until they subdued, the only one i really continue to have problems with is headaches. I didn't feel much change and spoke to my doctor who increased the dose to 100mg again i braced myself for the 2 weeks of side effects, after that i have had a good few months being able to do different things yes i have bad days like everyone but i'm beginning to praise myself just by being able to get out of bed get dressed and leave the door with a smile on my face that for me is a big step. Even though i can appriceate the good days my bad days are starting to get worse again, i don't know if i need a higher dose but i feel as if the initial buzz is wearing off. I have no idea how these drugs are supposed to work, in an ideal world i'd wake up tomorrow and never feel anxious or depressed again but thats never going to happen. 

When i was first started on the drug i asked to be reffered to a therapist, eventually after 6 months of waiting i finally got an appointment only to find it completely pointless, yes i could sit and talk to someone for an hour but i didnt recieve any feedback or opinion on my thoughts or ways to cope with my feelings, so after my hour session i had to leave with all these thoughts and feelings which i bury away every day, buzzing around my head with nothing to do with them. I have sinced stopped seeing my talk therapist and have requested to be refered to a cbt instead hoping they might be able to help. 

The only useful advice i can offer people at the minute is try writing, i did roll my eyes when someone mentioned this to me, i didnt want to feel like a 13yr old school kid writing about what they did that day, instead whenever im feeling low or angry or just generally frustrated i write in my notebook every thought and feeling im having, i try to understand them through writing and sometimes it works its as if im writing the thoughts out of my head and onto paper, i can then look back when i have a "clear head" and try to understand some of my thoughts. I write every time i feel down but havent gotten into the habbit of writing when im having a good day (mostly because theyre not that often) 

I do have to admit i'am alot better mentally that where i was last year, i have self harmed on and off since i was 13, i have not done this for about 7 months now. I have never attempted suicide but the thoughts are always prominent when im having a low day. 

I think the problem i have is im terrified to talk to people about this, i get very frustrated that i can't just snap out of it, and feel as though people think the same way, so i don't tell people when im feeling low or when i feel like hurting myself. I would much hide away those feeling and try to fix them myself and nobody know. 

I just don't want to feel alone and that i'm just crazy! I'm not alone though i have loving friends family and boyfriend, but if you have depression you know how selfish it can be, it makes you feel so very alone and that nobody can help. I sit awake at night crying asking myself over and over again whats the point?

I don't have a bad life i have lots of things to be grateful for but whats the point? There are thousands of people out there who are going to live the exact same life im set out to live. Get a job, get married, have kids, have a pretty house and car, over and over and over. Why do i need to add to that number? I don't make a difference to the world its just a waiting game until we all go anyway so why put myself through this pain until then?

I'm sorry for my rambling thoughts and i hope one person made it through all that haha. It would just be nice to know that someone else feels the same and im not alone in this struggle. 

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