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why?

Posted , 6 users are following.

matt420
matt420

Let me start out by saying I came here because I don't have the heart to open up to friends or family. I try to distract myself from my depression by being around other people, but when i get alone is when it gets dark. So, i self medicate pretty much everyday and if I don't it only gets worse and I get terrible anxiety. I went from a perfect student to 2nd to last in my class because of my absences. Just when i step back up i get put back down. I raised myself mentally. My parents were to busy throwing every cent they made into their divorce. I lived with my mom for a while, my dad for a while, but they are complete opposites so i have no stability. My mom is strict, manipultative, cruel, and controlling. On the other hand, my dad is caring, forgiving, and he doesn't control me. I've been called countless names by my mom and stepdad. I've never been treated the same as any of my 3 sisters. Why should i have to work for everything when you hand them everything. Life's unfair I know. The only thing thats kept me from letting go has to be my friends the only time I'm happy is when im hangjng out with people or high as a kite so i can slow my thinking. The only time I've ever loved life in a long time is on acid and it's sad that it's the most amazing I've ever felt about myself. I think it was because for once in my life i could not think, i could not focus, i was not there. I try to be better but disapointment is always there. Im a good kid, im popular, smart, people look up to me, but i just can't get rid of these night terrors that keep me up l night. Once i finally fall asleep i never want to wake up, i cant be hurt in my bed. I've never loved anything or anyone in a long time and don't think i will "I just don't give a sh*t." Maybe its the experimentation, but quite honestly it's the only way I've made it in this past year. I don't know what my future holds, I might just be scared. I've came to the mind set that nothing I do on this earth matters becuase were a speck of dust in the universe and I've realized there is no purpose of life other then the purpose you create, but I haven't created sh*t. I guess i just need motivation. life started out so beautiful, my childhood was one of the books, but it's as if life has ripped out my colored contacts and then dimmed the lights slowly. I'm sorry, i just needed to let it out.

1 like, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • iris46
    iris46 matt420

    Posted

    Have you had counselling? It might help you
    • matt420
      matt420 iris46

      Posted

      Yes, but every counseler i go to is ingluenced by my mother and turned into something it shouldn't be. For example i got called down to the office. My mom, principle, and counseler are sitting in a room. My mom brings up the fact that im an alchoholic because she caught me over the summer 1ce. I hadn't drank in 7 months, but i was still put in the SAP because they believed my mom. All my studyhall were taken up by a guidance pass I'd get infront of 40 kids. It's embarrasing and I cant get help when everytime i try i get f*cked over.
    • iris46
      iris46 matt420

      Posted

      How old are you Matt? Why does your mum have to be with you during counselling? If you are old enough to see a counsellor on your own, I'd request that....you might do better with privacy. Apologies if this cannot be done
  • lynne82155
    lynne82155 matt420

    Posted

    Dont self medicate go and see your doctor and consider therapycool
    • matt420
      matt420 lynne82155

      Posted

      Even then I'm still doing drugs wether its legal or not. Acid is a once in a while thing when I really need it. The pot is more of my problem honestly, i cant sleep without it I turn into an insomniac. Last night was my first night without bud i a long time and I sat in bed contemplating everything, i cred, i died a little on the inside. Ive done so well distracting myself from it that i don't know how to deal with it. I had counseling and it didn't work, as i said my mom is a control freak. She knew every word i said to the psycologist.
    • lynne82155
      lynne82155 matt420

      Posted

      Are you still a minor?

      Psychologist usually only devulge confidential conversations if you are a  danger to yourself or otherssmile

  • laura08496
    laura08496 matt420

    Posted

    please, please, keep sharing matt. i hope someone will give you great advice. and the self medicating you do, helps you out, but in the long run, it might not. things could even get worse. i know acid makes you happy, but that one drug can possible make things worse in the long run. and i like a glass of wine here and there, so i know how these substances help you out. but for me, it sucks when i sober up. we should not have to drink and take drugs to feel better! there has to be other options out there for you. i cant help you out. i wish i had some fantastic advice to make you feel better. just keep sharing, and i hope you find great advice someday soon! good luck to you!
  • carole28488
    carole28488 matt420

    Posted

    Hi, Matt:  We are all here to help you, sweetie...I live in the USA, and I have had depression off and on since day one of my life.  I had a lovely family...sweetest mom and dad in the world and one older sister.  The stars must have been lined up badly when I was born on a Friday the 13th because I started out being the most scared baby in the world.  When I finally started school, I was terrified, and my sister had to take me home some of the time.  I worried about everything!!!....Believe it or not, I'm 68 yrs. old now and still have depression off and on, but I've added to the list meloncholy.  I have a great doctor, who keeps me on great meds, but every once in a while I get so depressed that I just want to die...I cry all day and all night.  I was in a 14 yr. relationship and all the sudden, he decides he doesn't want to be a couple anymore.  Guess he found another woman somewhere...what is, is...and I have to accept it.  We are all here for you, and some are still suffering.  I would urge you to see a doctor and get on the right meds...You sound so young and you have your whole life ahead of you.  Don't spend your life worrying about the next day...It will take care of itself...We are more than just a speck in this life...We are here for a purpose...I am a retired paramedic, and would like to think that I saved a few lives, but still the melancholy goes on...I'm working hard to get out and get my mind off myself.  Being alone is the worst thing you can do...God bless...
  • laura11452
    laura11452 matt420

    Posted

    Hi Matt

    You sound like an intelligent, intutive, lovely guy that is in a lot of pain at the minute and using drugs to cope.

    I don't know what age you are but my concern is that you need some form of support to help you deal with the night terrors and privacy to talk to someone on your own so you can address the turmiol you seem to be in.

    I never had supportive parents and my mum left when I was very young and never looked back. My dad is the manipulative one but very wrapped up in himself so was never there. So i get the parent side of things.

    Could you not go to your dad and ask him to sort something out for you in the way of counceling or support?? Sounds like you and your dad are very alike in personality..

    You have so much to offer the world by the fact you are a good and supportive friend that people look up to.  Your very smart and are capable of having a good future.

    Drugs do numb your feelings and they would not be helping your night terrors. They also cause depression and you lose interest in everything. They dull down your emotions and have a major effect on your life.  Things that once made you happy seem to slowly disappear.  I get that experimentation is part of growing up.  But the downside is that you can become dependant on them especially if life becomes difficult and we are not coping as well as we would like to.

    Your life can be beautiful again.  I know because I have been in the dark place you are at.  

    Please don't ruin your life by using drugs to escape.  The fact that your on here now talking is a brilliant start and you are very aware of what is going on with you..

    Please keep posting as talking is one way to get it out on here in a safe enviroment with support..

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