Wow, everything i never knew about perimenopause!

I'm about 6 years into this so called 'transition' now.  I think it started with the itching and sore boobs.

Since then I have had the night sweats, the aches in the knees and ankles, the dizziness and light headedness, the vague anxiety, the panic attacks every odd time.  The flooding, the exagerated PMS, the headaches/pressure.

But none of it prepared me for the uncontrolable mood swings, the husband hate, and the rabbit hole.

The sudden self hate, depression, and suicidal thoughts.  WOW!

The last three months have been one of the hardest points of my life.  I say one of, because my oldest son was, and still is the hardest.  (gay, drug addicted, HIV positive) But eventually I was able to let that go.

But we can't just let go what is happening inside of us can we.  We cannot escape it, nor can we run from it or ignore it.  We have to somehow roll with it and learn to deal with it.  And in that, if we pay attention, comes much learning about ourselves.

I think the menopause, if we allow it, brings us to a point of freedom from many things we have carried with us in our lives.  I think getting there is the most difficult journey our inner self will ever make.  But we will get there.  Some of us kicking and screaming all the way.  

Some of us will learn to enjoy the journey.  My hope is to figure out how to enjoy the journey.

And them rabbit holes...avoid them at all costs.  I hit the first one like running in to a brick wall.  It took me by surprise.  A HUGE surprise.

I am hoping the next one won't be so traumatic...and I am told there will be more to come.  

These days I don't care if my butt is getting wider...if my boob hurts, if my head has pressure

I don't care that I don't have the attention span of a two year old right now.  It is ME TIME

And if the dishes don't get done, too bad.  

I can't do all the things I used to do these days.  I am forgetful and can't think very well, but that is ok.  I am going to enjoy the bubble baths, and the good books, I am going to wake up in the morning and get out of bed simply because I still have legs.

I am going to enjoy the rest.  I am going to TAKE the rest.  I deserve it.  I have served this family for so many years that they can learn to not have to lean on me for everything anymore.

If I don't feel like making dinner, we will go out

The pressure is off, and I feel much better.

In the meantime I am going to learn all I can about me, and about how to deal with the meltdowns more gracefully when they come.

And when I come out the other end of this, I am going to be changed in so many great ways, that the pain of getting there will be forgotten...like childbirth.

Stay positive ladies.  It's hard.  but think of something to do for YOU today.  And every day.  Remember, it takes a caccon to make a butterfliy.

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