As Lost in Showbiz has explained before, it is an immutable law that there is only a finite amount of fat in the celebrity universe, which can be neither created nor destroyed. It can merely be transferred from one star to another, and chronicling that endless migration is worth over £38bn annually to the celebrity magazine economy.
The exodus of subcutaneous lipids from former EastEnders stars is a particularly fascinating sight – in fact, it helps to think of it as the industry's wildebeest migration. I'm serious. People take safaris to see this stuff, and the thrilling news is that this year's diaspora is proving a vintage one. Specifically, it appears that the weight lost by erstwhile Walford resident and Minder spawn Hannah Waterman in her exercise DVD – Hannah Waterman's Body Blitz – has re-attached itself to fellow former Square-dweller Natalie Cassidy – who was herself previously the star of Natalie Cassidy's Then and Now Workout.
I'm afraid the science behind this is so complex that I wouldn't dream of attempting to explain it – as Elaine Paige would say, it would be too much for you. But how else to explain Natalie's decision to address the public last week, in a peroration in which she declared: "Hannah has gone too far with her weight loss. She looks too skinny." Inevitably, Hannah has retaliated this week. "I wish Natalie would stay out of my . . . weight issues and concentrate on her own," she announced. "I'd never comment on another woman's size, but I think people can see for themselves who looks healthy . . ."
Minor border skirmish, or the first salvo in the Great Adipose Wars? I suppose it could be something else entirely – perhaps an elaborate stunt by Hannah and Natalie to land the lead roles in BBC4's as-yet-unannounced drama The Pankhurst Girls. All we can do is monitor developments.