How to be ... A celebrity marathon runner

Can you smell it? The sweet meat-stench of soaked polyester and threat of an unrenewed contract. The sound of pounding trainers, of deals being breached on Bluetooth headsets, and of panting gasps, familiar from the internet. The road is long. With many a winding turn. But you're strong, strong enough to carry the weight of a rumoured break-up and all that collagen, the weight of your fans' expectation, of a fake ponytail and two sets of hornlike eyelashes. You and your TV slash life partner will run side by side and hand in hand. It will be a metaphor, of sorts. But this is 26 miles of metaphor. One can't get caught up on the hand thing. There's the journey, obviously. The sweating photographers desperately trying to keep up, and the way your breasts, as ever, lead the way. Elbowing women out of your path, you'll refuse to cross the finish line without the promise of a photo opportunity with an oversized cheque.

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