During our time spent sifting through the gutter press, In the News has ventured into some pretty dark places. We've followed Pete Doherty on his mission to get a penguin stoned, Madonna and Britney's virtual bondage session, and we've plumbed the depths of Gordon Smart's confused mind on a daily basis (today he refers to the designer "Jean Paul Gay-tier" - nice) .
Well, dear readers, today we have travelled one fathom further into the abyss - we've ventured inside the Daily Mail. And not just the Daily Mail, but a Daily Mail story about snooping around Amy Winehouse's unkempt Camden flat. Our mothers would be proud.
Rolling Stone journo Claire Hoffman was invited into Amy's lair to spend some time with the singer and her friend Remi Nicole, you see, and the Mail are happy to reprint the tale. Of course, we get the usual references to chemical squalor and Blake-induced pining, things we've all read a million times before. So what were the real scoops?
Allow us to summarise, in no particular order:
1) Winehouse makes cups of tea for journos and paparazzi
2) She dries up her dirty dishes with a filthy bath towel
3) She's fond of eating banana and crisp sandwiches
Join Claire next week as she ventures inside the home of Michael Jackson and reveals he's more of a Snickers than a Mars man.
Rock'n'roll is not an activity that generally encourages listening to The Olds, but In the News has to admit that pop-star parents do occasionally offer some sage advice. Take Mylie Cyrus's parents who, when confronted with the news that their daughter's ideal man was a 16-year-old Chris Martin, told her that she had terrible taste. And then there's Duffy, lovely download-crazy Duffy, who talks to Bizarre about her parents.
"They're sort of proud of me but for the wrong reasons," says the Duffster in Bizarre. "They just like the success. I don't think they would have been proud of my music if it didn't sell well."
In the News is currently torn between thinking "Aw, bless" and "Mr and Mrs Duffy - we know exactly where you're coming from".