10mg to 20mg increase, how do you cope? 😢

Thank you for replying Sue, you are lucky to not be experiencing side effects, and I hope you get the dose sorted soon and your anxiety disappears xx

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.  I've both laughed and cried reading this.  I feel a bit zombified now, but will heed your advice...no outstretched arms or drool ??

Everything you you say is right, I know.  He's never good when the chips are down. Everyone I know says he's not an evil guy but a taker, self centered, and I can do better.  I don't have one friend actually that I can think of routing for us. He's had anxiety, he knows I have it, he told me he would stand by me while I got help. When I told him I need a bit if TLC to help with the side effects, he said I only had them as I'd read about them.  He went quiet for days, then left me ??  He says one day when things are right for him, we can try again.  If I had something terminal, I think he would jump ship if I'm honest.  He likes to live life, although most of that is fantasy. 

I just feel trapped with theses symptoms, unable to gain the strength I need to change my mindset.  I'm on self destruct at the moment even though I know I may have dodged a bullet.

I will re read your message, and keep for future reading too.

Thank you sooooo much for your kind words and the time you dedicated to reaching out to me  xx

Hi Donna, like you I find David is very reassuring, and there certainly are some of us on this forum who are willing to help each other, rather than putting the fear into written words. Once the med starts building up in your brain, you'll find that your thoughts become more positive and that you can quickly replace any negative thoughts with the positive. Now I bet David sees a difference in me right now from when I first met him on this forum two/three weeks ago. The only drawback is that I'm sleeping like a teenager again....12 hours per night, but that's the meds calming me. I wish you well.....do be assured that there is someone special out there just waiting to meet you....dreaming about that alone will increase your serotonin. Forget your self-centred ex...mummy prob got him that way. XXXX. Iris

Well, I shall now suggest you read the words to and listen (have a cry to "A Little Time" by The Beautiful South".  I gave him the benefit of the doubt before by not including it in the first message, but now I'm not holding back!  I also suggest you get yer favourite and most uplifting song to play after, you know the one that makes you feel strong and uncrushable.  We had a discussion here on the forum about a year ago re music and its feel good medicinal aid to being down.  The outcome and total agreement was put on the radio or yer music system crank up the volume sing, scream, shout and dance about the house!  It will make you feel better.

You said he is self centred and I say he's up his own ar*e if I'm honest and I am, I'm known as Honest Dave, honest!

Seriously, accept he has gone, it won't do you any good missing a one sided relationship and just forget him.  A friend of my Ann (did I tell you I had an Ann?) had been in a similar relationship for over 20 years (OVER 20 fekin years!).  When we got together and she saw how happy Ann and I were I think it triggered some sensible reasoning in her head and she ended it and moved house, in fact she moved town.  She has started again and is so much happier.  She said that it was like finishing a prison sentence and the freedom is something she has forgotten she was entitled to.  Hence, due to my own experiences and ones of friends like this lady I give no holes barred advice to people who are, to all intent and purposes, victims of other peoples sadness.  He does need help, but you cannot give him what he needs.

Do not look at this situation as being trapped by the symptoms just accept that it will be sh*te and to get better you have to go through it. We are here for you.  Make a note of your feelings and side effects so when you see yer Dr (regularly, at least once a month or more if need be) you can keep she/he updated with everything and that'll help them help you move forward.  We don't look back, we don't want to be the person we once were or be our old self again, why would we?  If we do this we go back to square one and defeat all the good that has happened by moving forward, recoverying and being a new better person.

Like I already said sounds like a good Dr there!

Oh Yes! I didn't tell you about the emergency duvet did I.  Keep one in yer most used room apart from the bedroom.  I found that an emergency duvet downstairs in our living room was ideal when I did manage to get out of bed, but that was about it!  I would crawl under, curl up and distance myself from the rest of the world.  Maybe, but rarely to begin with watch some TV or a DVD or just wallow.  The thing is do not watch crap reality/celeb TV, do not watch soaps and only listen to the news once a day!  I gradually changed my lifestyle as the months went by to do my bit for my own recovery, gave up smoking right away, stopped drinking and gave up meat, but not seafood - well I am a Pisces. I also gave up that and those which made me ill - my job.  I am now in a part time job doing a non stressful job with a bunch of very happy people!!!  Not sure what they are on, but I think it is because the couple that own the business are happy and of course that filters down and out through the business!

Anyway, I have a meal to cook, I love cooking and Ann loves eating it lol!

Regards,

David

PS You know the song 'Happy'  by Pharrell Williams?  Go on line and search Happy by Cologne.  On 'Happy Day' a couple of years ago a group of yound people in Cologne mimed and danced to the song - it is Fantastisch!

Thank you Iris. You are very perceptive, mummy did get him that way. Even as a 54 year old, he's still the baby of the family who they bail out, never question and spoil. His older brother was the smart one, so I think he is trying to prove himself as he never felt successful as a child.  He's always looking to be better than everyone, nicer clothes, most fun job, good looking woman, tells everyone he's living the life when actually he's quite ordinary.  It's hard to get him out my heart though. I hope the meds do deal with my negative thoughts as I'm falling into a darker place right now ?? Xxx

Thank you Honest Dave, it's funny I was only thinking of The Beautiful South song the other day. 

Im at a point where I feel so bad, ashamed and guilty for losing it over silly things when I was with him. I want to tell him how sorry I am for my anxiety. I fully understand that seeing someone like me would make you run.  I feel so guilty. I feel I'm such a horrible person. I function in work as a professional but when I'm with him, it brings out my worst, I panic.  

Our relationship broke down before, he left without me seeing it coming, just a brief note. Cleared his things and returned to the uk, we were living in Spain. 3 weeks he'd planned it, but never sat down to talk to me.  I was over working and getting stressed. He was being the house husband, never our plan and I resented it. He doesn't talk when things go wrong, he plans his escape. Who blames him ?

I feel I broke the relationship and want to mend it. I feel that to show the world I'm not this horrible human I need to make us work. But I am this horrible person, not sure drugs are going to cure this.  I know I can't change the past, or past actions and this puts me in a panic as to show the world you have changed takes time. Things are so painful now, thinking of reaching the end if the week is feeling impossible. 

If you were to see me on the street you would never believe who I am inside. People think I'm a confident, strong person who fights for what's she believes is fair, and is there for others.  This was a description of me in a workshop activity by a friend...how wrong. 

I will take your advice and sort a playlist of inspiring music in the morning.   Sleep is a rare commodity at the moment, it's 5 am and I didn't get to sleep till 2am. Not Sure what's a side effect and what's ne anymore.  I'm in a dark place at the moment, that's getting darker...I hope it lifts soon, I can't bear this. I dont want to die, I couldn't do that to my children but life is so terribly painful I want the pain to stop. 

Thank you David for taking the time to listen and reply.  I'm humbled and amazed someone who has never met me would give me their time. Ann has found a real gem xx

Morning Donna,

There is no need to thank me, I am just doing what so many nice, good folk do here every day, look out for others that are travelling the same road.  Keep em on the straight and narrow so to speak, however it is not without its twist and turns, dead ends and wrong ways.  If I carry on like this I'll be doing the travel report next! Lol!

I would not apologise to anyone for who you are everyone goes through life making mistakes and we have many failings, but that is just life!  It is one long education.  Unless those who profess to love us talk to us we do not know if there is a problem so, I see no need for an apology and until you put aside this distraction you cannot apply your strengths into getting better.  You will worry about things that have no relevance to the moment, if you don't feel you can ignore these then push them as far away as you can for a future day by which time you'll be stonger to make a more rational decision and deal with them.  Try to accept and believe that what is happening to you are side effects, that Cita has to purge all the cr*p that has built up becuase of the unatural pressures of this, so called, modern lifestyle and how we percieve a relationship to be within that lifestyle.

From what you have already said it is obvious this sticking plaster is beginning to repair that which needs repairing and now you, like many of us before, just have to accept the dark place and find the exit.  The light at the end of the tunnel.  It isn't easy and it does take time.

When I got dark thoughts I had to fight to remind myself that even though we all have them from time to time (ill or not) that it was not the real me.  It was a reaction (not a response) to a situation that was thrust upon me, not my fault and I reacted accordingly.  After a while I just used to tell those thoughts to, not so politely, 'go away' and eventually they did.  The safety and comfort of my emergency duvet certainly helped to keep most at bay.Keep posting reading and concentrate on recovering mentally and physically from a bad time in your life.  A new you is just around the corner!  How long the corner bends for is of no concern for now, just believe you will get there and, to be honest you are already a better person for taking these first few steps!  We just have to learn to live the way we should live not as dictated to by an uncaring society (apart from this forum of course).

Here's to a new week and new steps for all of us!

Regards,

David

 

Hi David

Just wanted to say how great your posts are. I to have been like Donna with the awful side effects which at the time you think your never going to get better. Reading your posts helped me through and I'm pleased to say I'm now feeling more myself.

Have you ever thought about being a counsellor, you would be amazing.

Thank you for your help

Thank you!

However, I was moulded by my circumstance and yes, I have thought about counselling,  At the moment this is where I feel I can do some good, by giving back to those that are travelling the same route as I and many, many more have done before.  If it wasn't for this forum (and my GP, Fiancee and daughter) I dread to think what may have become of me.

It is great to know that I am doing some good and that people like yourself are moving forward.

Thanks for your words and although I don't crave reward it is appreciated.

Regards,

David

HI David, 

its nearly 2 weeks since you wrote this, and I've read it several times now. Thank you for helping me to allow myself to travel through the dark times and no take them personally. I am accepting them as part of my healing which has helped me not stress over them.  

Ive started to see the light at the end and have become much stronger. True to the words of the Beautiful South, the ex returned tail between legs but now it's up to me. My decision, my timing, if at all. My focus is on me first and foremost.  My priority is sorting myself nit the relationship and I'm starting to feel strong enough to see that.

Thank you again xx

Morning Donna,

Acceptance that we were ill is the first step, followed by just having to go with the flow the next and then the rebuild for a better you is the last and  ongoing.  I will say that as you move forward just remember they may be blips and also during your recovery unrelated events may knock you  back as well.  This may never happen, but it is best to be aware.

Regarding your relationship (as you mentioned it) all I can say and needs to be said (hope you do not mind me be so forthright) is that many women face untold physical and mental abuse from not only virtual strangers, but work colleagues and people who say they love them.  What they are really saying is what satisfies their own selfish needs and not anyone else's.  The only way to stop this is not only male education on male issues (that are usually blamed on women's issues), but for the individual person (the victim) to break the cycle.  You do get female abusers, it must be said however, the male issue is the far bigger and far reaching problem.  You are an individual unique person and not someone else's accessory.

I am glad to read that you have decided on your priorities, the last thing you need now or ever is to go back to where you were and that means everything.  Being yourself again, the old me, will only lead to back to the same old cycle which inevitably become downward spirals.  The only way is forward and the journey is an easier one with no baggage!

Good to hear from you now get out and enjoy the BH weekend!

Regards,

David

 

Way to go Iris! 

Great to hear you are doing well and giving some back by helping others.

Best Regards,

David

I know people get frightened and frustrated but all they need to do is read the info leaflet accompanying the meds, and they will see that they are experiencing the effects common to others. I'm just waiting to ask myself "what was that all about?"

Thank you Iris. I know the leaflet states the side effects, but reading them and experiencing them are different things. For me anyway. I guess I am just reaching out for support, as I'm now on my own.  It's a real struggle.  I'm finding it really hard to change my mindset and move to a better place with these effects.  I know they will subside but it's a bit like being in a tornado. You know the effects, you know it will end, but while you are in it...it's scary as hell xx

I agree with every word you've said Donna....if you read the side effects of paracetamol you wouldn't take them. Some days are easier than others...yesterday my head was in space.....a hangover without the booze....but last night I had a few wines and the head is much better today! Strange indeed, but things like windy weather, rain, even hot weather can do the very same to us. It would be nice to keep in touch with you......I'm on my own too, widowed just over 9 yrs ago. I find that negative thoughts stay in your own head because of it.....if hubby was here he would be able to bring out the logic. So do keep in touch....we are prob both at the same stage....I'm 17 days in

Thank you for being so understanding Iris x I've just completed a month but this is the first day of doubling the dose. So sorry to hear you too are on your own, and had the pain of losing someone you loved. It's horrible.  I hope for both of us these pills bring new beginnings and open the way for new chapters as life is too short and for living. We know the theory, just putting it into practice that's hard. Let's hope it's temporary xx

Thanks for your kind words.....in 9 years I've lost my hubby and my only brother, had both breasts taken to cancer, got chronic leukaemia, my son emigrated to NZ. Last year I felt depressed after my brother died, but went on to suffer blood clots on lungs. This year I've had pneumonia and labyrinthitis......as my doc says, you can't put 18 amps through a 13 amp fuse and expect it not to blow! We WIll Get better!

wow Iris, I really feel for you. The strength you must have as a person to get through all you have must be phenomenal!  How can I possibly feel so bad about my life when I see what you've been through?  I think that's what makes me feel worse. I have a good job, live in Spain, although I miss family, provide a great school for my son. 

My mum is going through the cancer battle now. She's had a tumour from her bowel removed and is refusing chemo. I feel bad I live away, and my sister makes sure I feel bad. My mum is more lonely than ill and has mental problems too. She's made me the mess I am today, my childhood was an absolute disaster. I think she is on the autistic spectrum, she's never been able to give me support, I'm always the cause of her problems it's a mess, but I love her dearly. It's a painful love. 

I've just had an awakening moment writing this.  Is this it?  I can see how my ex is the product of his mum, still searching to resolve issues from his childhood, am I doing the same?   Am I still trying to fix someone so they show love for me, like I craved from my mum as a child?  I have spent my life trying not to be my mother with my own kids, and in many ways I'm not, but I think there are many unresolved issues I need to address. 

I hope things improve for you Iris, you've surely had your quota in life for sure. Let's hope so.  Thank you again xxx

 

Hi David....I've actually had a few reasonable days, but this morning the spaced out head has come back.....tho I've also been staying up late to watch Olympics. I have to keep reminding myself of the advice I give others

1. Each time you increase dose, you will get some side effects

2. You may feel worse before feeling better

3. It can take up to four weeks to start noticing any benefit at all

I AM improving though....commissioned someone this morning to do some cosmetic work on the front of my house, and yesterday I had a much needed treatment at the podiatrist!

Iris

I don't know you youngsters, burning the candle!  If you're staying up late you should balcance it by staying in bed longer, but  hey!  If yer enjoying it so what!  GB are doing so well too!

Does sound like even though yer a bit fuzzy, things are getting better, great news!

Regards,

David

 

I am always game for a lie in David, but the builder was arriving at 0830.....middle of the night for me!

Hi David.......glad to say I'm starting to feel a lot better. I have done some heavy gardening this week with loppers, and my back is going daft, but that will ease. I've also got to make four greetings cards next week, been planning layout today! Fingers crossed....I'm hopeful

Excellent news!

Keeping busy is so important.  I am up early because even though, after getting up a couple of times in the night, I went back to sleep I got to a stage an hour ago where I couldn't sleep anymore.  Yes, that may have something to do with going to bed at a reasonable time and getting a pretty good nights sleep.  However, when I do get to that stage in the morning my mind starts to think overtime and I have to get up.  Meditation is one way around this, keeping the mind occupied the other - and here I be!

It may be worth you starting a new discussion to tell your story so far and encourage others.  It is great to see that you are already getting involved in discussions and by doing so helping others.  Therefore an update on your own situation can go a long way to further help others.

Personal greetiing cards mean so much more than bought ones especially because you can make it so more personal and meaningful!

Iris, give yer self the day off, afterall it is a BH!  Enjoy!

David

 

Hi David....a day off? Tired of them in the last year! I'm got an older friend with MS.....taking her out to a garden centre and lunch. As usual, we will both say as we go through the door "I'm not buying any plants today", on getting back to my car, we start to wonder where all the plants on the trolley are going to fit!

Lol!

Which reminds me did you hear that they are going to make a film about a time tavelling gardener? It's called Back to The Fuchsia!

David

 

You've been pulling the Christmas crackers 4 months too early my friend!