20 years old and no job or social life

Thank you so much for the reply!

I have planned going to the gp but I can never push myself to go... I know it will be of so much help but I just need to push myself hard and go... Does the tablets work then? Do you get any symptoms? And I really hope I can sort this and finally have a semi normal life... Again, thank you so much for your time and I am glad you made me see there are people just like me but who have helped themselves to better there lives.

Thank you!

Tom

Hi Tom, 

No worries! Yeah they help for me, so I would definitely recommend speaking to your GP to see what options you have. I must admit I do feel quite tired a lot of the time and I think this is a side effect but this is a lot easier to deal with than the extreme anxiety I was getting. 

I'll try to book an appointment, or maybe a phone call might be easier haha thanks man, you've been extremely helpful! It would be cool to talk more with you as I Know NO ONE else who gets it haha

Hello thank you so much for your reply, and everyone I've spoken to here seems so nice! I've always been quite shy, quiet and kind of anti social...

But I did extremely average at school, never got bullied, never picked on, and I did have friends... After school ended i lost 90% of my friends due to me never attending social events, I also live out of town in a rural area. When I went to college I did very well, getting distinctions and passing all my mechanic tests (I did motor vehicles) again, I never partied, never went out after college... I just studied and came home. After college ended i tried looking for a job at a garage in my town, I literally went to EVERY garage in and around my town and I got nothing, I basically had a breakdown, didn't sleep for days at a time, was extremely worried and I was talking like a scared child.. I was a nervous wreck.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost two years, and she really is the only reason I didn't or haven't tried to end my life. She's genuinely been there for me for everything but obviously I feel useless because we never go out to eat or shop... Or anything, she always understands and never gets angry but I still feel awful about the life she leads with me.

I feed the horses myself, I do all of it on my own, I feel calm when I'm up there, it's one of the only places I feel calm apart from my room.

The only death in my family was my great grandmother a few years ago, but I don't personally feel that has anything to do with it but I may be wrong, she was amazing and I was kind of glad she passed as she had terminal cancer, but it didn't really effect me really badly.

Thank you for the genuine questions and for taking the time out of your day to message me.

Thanks again!

Tom

No, you are right, the death you mention is not a trigger. Your response is normal, compassionate and without signs of un-ease.

I sense some issue with expectations you perceive are put on you, or expectations you have of yourself. But this is not uncommon.

What is strange is that you are not giving away any likely pointer to a trigger. You make it sound like you were always a 'recluse' and if that were true you never would have had ANY friends. Let alone a girlfriend. So, something is off. When you were in college were you living away from your parents for the first time? Did you lose someone important by means other than death? Were you let down by a parent in any way? Did you feel you let them down as a kid? Not now - back when you were a kid?

Are you an only child? Does anyone else in your family have any diagnosed psychological conditions. Any undiagnosed issues that you may be noticing?

I will disagree with others that you need to push yourself to go out and have a fab time. This is not how it works. Some people need more privacy and seclusion than others. The part where you need to extend yourself is to address the parts that are actually frustrating you. Nobody says you have to be outgoing and always out there. But balancing your needs with what is required of you for improving your quality of life is a different story.

The fact that you are responsible for your horses, and say you are comfortable with this task and with being out there points to a very unsettled soul requiring rebalancing (horses do that) and likely a very sensitive person. Something, somewhere along the line has made you feel inadequate and I suspect this came before your difficulty landing a job.

You can work as a mechanic from your own yard. See if there are any additional courses you need. Anything to get you productive is good at this point. Otherwise you will just be beating yourself up for feeling 'useless' or 'worthless' or a 'failure'.

You do need to own who you are with all the 'good' and the 'bad'. Being comfortable with yourself is the first thing to address. So you have this talent but not the other, this skill but not that...take stock of who you are and own it. Things can be developed, people grow and circumstances change. And there is nothing out there that can take that away from you once you own it.

When we focus on external appearances and expectations we become small and they become huge. So we feel like a little kid. You are who you are and this is ok. The goal is: what can you DO for YOURSELF to be more comfortable and have better quality of life. Forget everyone else for a minute. Think about that.

Sensitivities can be worsened by poor diet/sleep habits. Are yours adequate? Further, use of any stimulants or depressants is not advisable during escalating anxiety. Limit caffeine and alcohol intake to balance out brain chemistry a little.

Spending time away from electronics including TV and range of wifi is helpful. Time with horses can be turned into picnics or inviting a trusted friend over for a barbecue. You can bring a social life to you on your terms as a step, since you are worried about your girlfriend's socializing needs.

Look for various perspectives. Nothing is as unsurmountable as we initially estimate I to be when we are anxious.

Let me know if any further memories crop up that may be helpful in figuring out the dynamics of your condition.

x

Thanks for the reply!

Um, well I was never a social person.. never gone out or hung out, I had quite a few mates at school, but once that ended they all left bar like, 2/3. It didn't really effect me at all ( I didn't really have any sort of attachment to them except the 3 that I still spoke to) and I had more mates at college, again, I TRIED hanging out with them on occasion but I gave up because I was just freaking out and not having fun at all. The ONLY friend I see a lot is my best mate who I go over to his house maybe once a fortnight. We play computer games and just chat. But if he invites me out anywhere I decline.. but he gets it, he understands so he never gets mad or anything.

I am the eldest out of 3 in my house, but I have another older brother (23) living way up north and my older sister lives there too (21) we share the same dad, he left me and my mum when I was 3, but saw me once a week until I was 10 then I never saw him again. I hear I have a younger sister but idk I've never even met her.. my dad has lost contact with all my brothers and sisters. My younger brother and sisters dad is my mum's ex and he was my stepdad for 14ish years. We all still get on well. But i guess my dad leaving did effect me a bit.

My grandad has panic attacks all the time, even when someone calls him if it's a unknown number he panics.

After the job hunt it got worse but I wouldn't say it caused it either... I think you're right maybe try working for myself. I hear that's good for people with anxiety, being self employed may help :D

Tbh I don't really worry about my appearance, I used to a lot but I've accepted who I am. But maybe j SHOULD focus on me a little.

My sleeping sometimes is very wonky, one week I'll have slept perfectly, the next I'll be up for hours each day... As for my diet I try to eat healthy but sometimes I think I do eat just to fill the void so to speak.

I would invite my friend to the barns but he's allergic to horses (typical luck haha) but I think I should try and open up some opportunities to get a LITTLE out my comfort zone... And I feel so depressed and stuff when my gf can't do the normal things couples do with me, I've said to her before like "why are you with me? You could have a normal relationship and do normal couple things" but she always says "because I love YOU" god knows why haha but I really love her and want me to be able to do things for her. She's been so understanding and helpful she deserves it. And thank you for the information and it really helps talking about this. Thank you so much for your time I really appreciate it although it may not seem it :D

Thank you!

Tom

How much time did you spend with your grandfather since you were 3 years old?

Yes, your father leaving made you feel unworthy and inadequate on a deep level. It is nothing that the adult mind can't rationalize, but the little kid inside does not care much for rationalizations. He just knows he wasn't important or good enough. This is just inner dialogue that goes on without our consent as adults. Any further 'proof' that we are not somehow good enough, in whatever context, further makes us feel hopeless. Like for instance not landing a job. It turns into a vicious cycle.

How did your grandfather treat you?

When did you first started having actual panic attacks or severe anxiety when being out of the house? You do mention not going out of your way much to socialize outside the beaten route of school-home-school. But when did it become unbearable to do so?

You will get there. Things mature and change especially when one reaches out, like you are doing now. Comfort zone is elastic - it can stretch. Do not consider the example you have (grandfather) as a rule, but rather unfortunate exception - due to not being born in a time when it was possible t address these things adequately. It is about resources. You have resources he did not.

Think of things you would like to do, small things and see how it goes. Do not worry about how it goes. Do not beat yourself up. If you fall you try again. If you could learn how to walk, you can 'learn' this too. x

 

I've spent near enough my whole life with my grandad, I actually live with my grandparents due to my mum not really able to cope with me (single mother and I was UNBEARABLE, I made her quite ill) and my grandad treats me really well, he was the first person I told about my anxiety, besides my gf. He was and is to this day the only person in my family I truly trust.

With my father, I guess it did... I used to be a dad's boy, I used to get mad at my mum if my dad didn't turn up to pick me up. And when he left I remember waiting for him for days. Personally I never felt anything really, I was mainly angry about how he treated my step sister cos she loved him a lot and he basically told her he couldn't believe she was his. I never really cried or got sad and I remember just being like "who needs dad's anyway" but I got through secondary school, college, a few jobs, a gf, shaving, even driving without him, made me realise I don't need anyone, ive always been quite independent with emotions and stuff I guess. I always try to think positive or put up a brave face but lately I just feel like I should just give up on everything and just live through my crappy situation ( but I know that I shouldn't and I wont, I shall try to beat this).

I first started getting panic attacks and symptoms of anxiety when I was 16/17, but at 19 it got to the point of not leaving the house and basically blocking all my old friends out my life.

I've finally seen that, I've always lived kind of old fashioned in the fact of "put on a brave face and man up" I've always been sort of tough with how I act on emotional stuff to not seem weak, but lately I've realised that's a silly way to live.

I shall try, I think I'll try take my girl on a date and TRY to enjoy it, I'll let you know how it goes thank you again x

I have spent some time reading and re-reading this. Empathy gets in the way. Parts that I identify with hit too close to home, parts my soul opposes sting.

I too used to wait for my dad by the window for days and be mad with mom when he didn't turn up. Sure it was hard on her. Single parent, working hard...and sure I was a nightmare more often than not. But she did not leave me with her parents...

Your mind is striving to be in the 'right' place and you are very smart about it indeed, but your soul is having none of it just yet. And it is so easy to see why you are in this state now even by going only on the brief overview you have shared, without too many details and without sight of little nuances...While you are looking for a way to process your complex and contradictory emotions, I would like to ask if you feel you have chewed them up enough to be able to digest and release?

There are things obvious at a first glance. Brief mention of mother, mainly in relation to something that is or was  'wrong' with YOU and justification/rationalization - admirable but misses the point your soul is trying to make right now. There is a difference in being adult about it/being realistic/understanding of another (which is what you seem to be tending towards - just goes to show what a wonderful and considerate person you are) But putting yourself below significant others who have seriously let you down is not too helpful. Yes your parents did whatever they could with what they knew at the time. And sure it is great to accept this and move on. But you have to also accept that both have let you down in their own ways, before you can move on. You were let down. It was not YOU letting them down. This is so very important. You can forgive them all you want (that is great) but you have to forgive yourself too for the perceived inadequacies.

This is not about mind over matter, shoving feelings aside. It is not about manning up. It sound to me that you were more than man enough through all this. Which, again makes me really so curious why you say you were 'UNBEARABLE'. When? How? It would be pertinent to understand what exactly you believe or feel you put your mom through. Did you physically abuse her? I can’t think of any valid reason to entrust you to grandparents unless it was for her safety…or yours…

And, if that weren't enough, your grandfather, whom you clearly love dearly and rightly so, had his own issues, some of which rubbed off on you no doubt. You took things in your stride, or aspired to, but all the while shoving aside your needs and trying to fit in with what was expected - failing and feeling less than capable, less than worthy, less than important… Less than.

I noticed you do not mention your grandmother much (at all?) and wonder if this is significant, likely yes, based on my experience. I could be wrong though.

I also notice you have strong sense of empathy and right and wrong when you felt your step-sister was being treated as lesser and hurt. Do you like children? Are you comfortable around them?

You have so much to give but I wonder how much giving is possible without first filling up your cup a little. You need love, stability, openness and effort. YOU need to give this to yourself. If you also get some of it from your girlfriend that is just a bonus and anyhow I am sure that you will return 100 fold really soon, so do not beat yourself up.  You will do it in your OWN way.

There is nothing wrong with you. Let that sink in. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

And another thing to digest: It is ok to feel what you feel and face it. If you made it this far with the little good you got in crumbs and turned out even a half-decent human being…you are half way to where you deserve to be already.

It is not about the meal or date. It is about you not finding resources inside to feel worthy or capable of not letting someone down. It is illusory. You are and will be fine.

If horses trust you, take your cue from them. They know better than to trust a shaky person. I would know. They hate me

 

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, it really sucks that some men do that, we miss out on the great stuff. And I guess, but I really do understand, she got a heart problem due to my behaviour, she couldn't cope with me. I acted TERRIBLE, I'm surprised I didn't end up in juvenile detention. She still saw me every day, and took me to school etc, and me and my mum sorted things and now we are close (but lately it feels more like we're friends)

Honestly, I really REALLY don't know quite how to cope or how to feel or anything.. I just sorta go with the motions and try to accept how I am, but I really want to be "normal" but I generally only ever get 'emotional' when someone gets frustrated at me and sorta tells me to stop overreacting or "bulls***ting" people, but I only get super depressed and thats where the suicidal thoughts and stuff come mainly...

I guess I have forgiven myself for myself before, I was a kid and my dad ditched me which felt like my world was caving in. And as for my father, thats long since sailed... Feels like a really distant memory now, I have neither hatred or love for the man. And as for my mum, ahhhhh at the moment me and her are like friends... It's weird, but she's going through a sort of midlife crisis atm so she's not much use at this kinda thing haha.

I was about 5/6 and for years I was a nightmare, I would destroy things, and hurt her physically, talk to her like garbage, break things in shops, steal, hurl abuse at strangers etc. She got so stressed and stuff that she got a heart problem through it, and she was very VERY ill, so I guess it was for her safety. But once the idea of my father was completely gone I learned respect and became a sensible and respectable kid.

My grandad is the kind of man I want to be when I get older, he was and still is the only member of the family I trust unconditionally. I always put family first and I guess I didn't have time to register my feelings or needs because I wanted to help my grandad and Grandma, if it weren't for them id probably be in jail or the streets. And I do feel inferior in a way I guess, I don't feel like a deserve much, I am thankful for what I have and I don't really expect much else.

I didn't mention my nan much because i didn't think it was important, but she has and still does a lot for me, she bought me clothes, food, games, everything and I respect her so much, but... She's not the type to really understand mental health, she does sometimes think my grandad is overreacting, but I guess they come from a different time so I don't blame her at all.

I was VERY angry and hurt when I heard that, about my sister... I just wanted to beat the idiot... ( I was always an aggressive sounding person but I never hurt anyone unless someone else did something to a loved one) and I felt that as the big brother it was irrelevant how I felt, more that he hurt her, and she needed someone. I love kids, they always make me happy, and I do when. It's just me and the kids (I guess cos I don't have someone watching to see if I mess up or something)

Trouble is I don't really know how to, it feels kinda selfish to me to focus on me... I know that sounds silly but that's just me, and my gf really makes me feel loved, never felt accepted or anything really until I met her. And I intend to give her the best time she deserves.

I guess not... But it still feels like it's somehow my fault... I don't know how to change my thoughts on this.

Haha I think they love the food more than me, but they make me feel at total peace to be honest :D

Thanks for the reply! X

I love how open you are here. I get the feeling that you are a quite a few steps closer to where you need to be than you realize.

I also love what I read. You have come a long way from the kid on the brink of disaster.

May I ask, please, who told you or made you feel responsible for your mom's heart problems? You can send them my regards and congratulations both coming from a psychological standpoint as well as a medical standpoint. Great job LOL

I want to go into that because there are several issues with it:

1. You can't give somebody a chronic heart problem. IF she had a vulnerable heart to begin with, constant stress may have overtaxed the system a little but you can't have given it to her as such.

2. There were other factors in your mom's life that I am sensing may have been equally taxing on her. Failed relationships, kids, work. Then we also have no idea about the lifestyle/diet and overall health at the time when your dad left NOR her mental state during those major life changes (though we can guess) NOR BEFOREHAND...

3. Physical exhaustion and mental anguish she may have been going through were just too much for her to handle. Fair enough - she maintained the level of involvement she could. I am not here to judge her. I think, since you turned out so wonderful it is irrelevant why she opted for what she opted (that is her story) BUT it is relevant to note that it was not YOUR fault.

 would like to tell you why - even though I am sure you know this already - just to drive the point home:

A child until the age of around 7 (give or take some depending on various factors) is extremely dependant emotionally/psychologically on the mother. This holds true for EVERY child regardless of the circumstances. So first, that stability you needed was compromised - one axis was removed (father) when they separated and I am guessing that internal (and external perhaps) turmoil your mom faced was rubbing off on you making you act up and lose control.

The nurturing and security you require at the age of 2 do not disappear because parents separate or because life happens. Someone has to maintain balance. This is of course easier said than done in most cases - so again no judgement. But life goes on and new structures get erected.

Obviously the structures erected for you were for whatever reason inadequate and your sensitivity may have further made things difficult to navigate for your mom.

If you add up a few years of living with ANY unmet needs in a less than balanced environment and are growing up feeling inadequate, abandoned, BAD, ...you know...kids tend to internalize what they see and act it out rather candidly. How you acted was a reflection of how you perceived reality. You can't blame a child for reflecting...this is what children and animals do! They reflect. So it is not that YOU were a handful and unbearable. It is that mom could not get you. She couldn't manoeuvre. Maybe she was too young, too busy, too tired or otherwise consumed by her own needs or drives. Whatever the 'reason' it is not the stuff you did but the stuff that you did not get.

Although this sounds like shifting blame - that is not the point.

The point is to understand that YOU can not hold that 2-4-7-9 year old child that you were responsible or accountable for his behaviour. Accountability and responsibility comes when you begin to stand on your own two feet. In your case you are in that process still. And the reason it is taking a while is because you have close to zero opinion about your worth, diluted personal drive (for which we can certainly thank your father - sorry I try to be impartial but can't help it )

Beyond all this, you have compassion, a great capability for relating, respect, gratitude and kindness about you that are unmistakeable. You will make a wonderful partner to your girlfriend and likely a wonderful, compassionate parent when you feel ready.

So in a sea of all this emotion dating so many years back...you think maybe you deserve doing things for you (and those you care for) the way you needed as a kid? It is not about focusing on you and away from others. It is about focusing on doing things for you that will benefit the others as well. Why do people like to separate everything It is all one.

Instead of looking at all the ways in which you are 'inadequate' have a look at who you have become, the love you have for others and what you are good at. You can change your life in small ways every day. Some days it will just be a nice gesture to nan or grandfather or GF or mom. Some days it will be trying to face your demons. Some days it will be just letting yourself regroup.

One small step can start an avalanche of blessings. All it takes is for it to be an honest step in the right direction.

Key problem is a sense of guilt. Once you get over that it would be easier. As a kid you had no choices. Now you do. But you can't reach out for those choices from a place of guilt and negativity and sense of failure. A kid could not change anything when his world was caving in. But you can. And it is not nearly as overwhelming as it seems. Leaving your house with the self of today will be much easier than doing it from the point of that kid some years back.

By the way...what is the worst thing that you can think of that may happen if/when you leave the house to go somewhere with your girlfriend? What goes through your mind?

Sending much love and gratitude for sharing your story.

"but I generally only ever get 'emotional' when someone gets frustrated at me and sorta tells me to stop overreacting or "bulls***ting" people, but I only get super depressed and thats where the suicidal thoughts and stuff come mainly... "

Yes...because they discount the deep reasons why you are 'overreacting' or feeling the way you are feeling. It discredits the importance of the fear you are feeling. Manning up is related to this concept. You can man up not when you discount your fears. But when you are ready to face them. Negative talk from others will have the effect comparable to poking a snail's head with a toothpick. Which is not nice. Unless the snail is cooked and you will eat it. Which again is not nice...but I digress

My husband has this interesting attitude - when I was suffering with anxiety he would tell me to "stop feeling this way - what you are feeling is wrong!" It used to annoy me. When I started getting better (on my own terms, certainly not on his I used to laugh when he would say things like that. Eventually I was able to use the line on him a few times so he would get the ridiculousness of discrediting how someone else feels. It was very therapeutic, for me and for our relationship.

I guess I have come a long way haha still a long way to go though. Well, my mum did, she was telling me why I left, because I couldn't remember all that well, and she said that I was making her stress and everything worse.... Yeah I know that but I still feel a lil responsible for it she had a lot going on at the time as well.

I think you're right.. it did run off on me, I hated seeing my mum like that once I grew up and saw what I did, but at the time I was so so angry at her for making my dad leave ( what was going on in my head at the time) and I blamed her for everything. I see your point, my mum tried her best with me but I just didn't get it, once I started living with my grandparents I saw how and what respect and what a sensible kid does.

Definitely, I don't blame myself per say, I just wish I reacted differently, but It can't be helped now. And in some ways I blame my dad for what happened and even today it effects me even though I try so hard to act like that doesn't faze me.

Well thank you, haha I hope I will, and I'm determined more than ever to become a great husband, and a great dad some day... I will want my kids to have what I didn't.

I think you're right, I need to find a balance and not be focused on either party but more on it as a whole.

Trouble is I have such low self esteem I couldn't tell you a single thing I'm particularly good at haha, I even (as sad as this sounds) when I have dreams of for example me and my gf doing something ie. Going out or at the beach, I don't see myself as me. In my dreams I'm always a semi confident casual happy guy ( I guess it's who I WANT to be) it's weird... Because she always tells me she loves me for me and that I should be prepared for her to stick around for good... I still do that, pretend I'm someone else I guess.

True I never really think about my problems as sort of non intentional, blameless things, I think of them as my fault. As if I should stop doing this to everyone I care about... It takes a lot of time for me to not feel guilty.

True, I need to remember that I have the ability now to make something of my situation... And I have people who care even if it's a tiny step in someone else's eyes it may be HUGE for me.

Basically I get scared I'll mess up, like trip or embarrass myself and I am also worried I'll see someone I know (as I tend to just block people out) and they'll try making conversation... Or maybe everyone will be staring at me, and judging me. ( My girlfriend is drop dead gorgeous and I'm overweight and pretty average looking so we look like an odd couple haha) I don't want her to get started at or people to start judging her, but she's FAR more of the opinion of "F*** anyone who stares, were happy and they obviously aren't if they have the time to judge us" so I shouldn't worry but I do, cos all I understand is being immensely anxious of things, but obviously she doesn't even bat an eyelid to those things... Idk I just panic in general sometimes it's over nothing at all.

I really genuinely appreciate all you have said and listened to, it honestly feels like a weight off my shoulders, just telling someone... And you really know what your talking about which is a bonus

EXACTLY!!!!!! It does my head in, I guess thats why I grew up with the notion of Manning up. And yeah, snails are definitely not my cup of tea haha

And yes that's exactly what I get from people as well, and these people I know suffer from other things as well so you'd expect them to understand... Butttt they don't, and I may have to try that out haha it's always good to see when someone finally realises that what they said was a tad silly

 "it's always good to see when someone finally realises that what they said was a tad silly" - oh it makes up for all the times when they almost convinced you are crazy/inadequate/stupid...

Very few people are able to actually see things from another's perspective. They can only understand you according to their own experience and perception. This is how people end up feeling inadequate.

I am really moved by your story and find it surprisingly positive. I had preconceived opinions before you opened up. But the more you share the more the clouds part in my head. Especially feel grateful that you managed to pull through not bitter. Ok, at your expense haha but still - not bitter.

"once I started living with my grandparents I saw how and what respect and what a sensible kid does."

This happened when you faced consequences of your actions (imposed consequence being sort of removed from mom) but facing it from a place of stability and love (grandparents). You were given ground to work on (this is the lucky part).

Once you were moved over to them you could have either continued escalating and being destructive or you could have suddenly burst out of your shell and left and started a new life far away from all of them OR you could have ended up exceedingly driven to do better than your parents did and show them how it is done. But you withdrew instead (this is the 'unfortunate' effect of your grandfather). There were not very many potential scenarios considering the background. There is one more scenario - total self-destruction. So on a scale of negative - positive you are in the upper ranges where potential is easier to access than if you were spiralling out of control.

You have lost nothing. You came to know and internalize love, respect and accountability. You, completed your studies (saw something through), landed a cool girlfriend you think so highly of (entered an intimate relationship) and horses don't bite you when you feed them? (I am just impressed because horses hate me LOL)  And you have a friend with whom you can play (ability to have friendships) but who is sadly allergic to hay (medical inconvenience)... haha. Sounds fine to me. This is a perfect mix of ingredients to build on. So you are richer than you think and more capable than you give yourself credit for. You achieved as much as any average person normally does without the strain of your background (notably disruptive background) and your only symptom is some detachment/social apprehension and self-esteem. Join the club of 70% of developed world population with self-esteem issues. And yes I drew that statistic up out of thin air. In fact I think the figure is higher...

Your girlfriend will appreciate you becoming a little less focused on your shortcomings and instead being a bit more willing to seek out creative solutions. If you are unhappy about your weight - I would strongly advise tackling that as the first step. Health is important, moderate exercise plan may help take the edge off other issues too...Setting doable goals is always the best starting point for building self-confidence toward improved self-reliance and faith in self. You need to be able to count on yourself to be able to solve some challenges. If you managed to finish school and learn to be a mechanic you can follow a basic regime. You feed horses. So you are obviously good with routine.

On your internal dialogue comments....yes well, those seeing you and your beautiful girlfriend are probably wondering if she is with you for your money? Or they wonder if you are great in bed. The spiteful ones will wonder if she is impaired in some way? Is this what you mean?

My husband has no money (only debts) and since his depression kicked in he has about 100 kg more than me...(he raids the fridge at night). The comments I hear are that I am stupid to be with him - that I can do so much better and that I must be emotionally defective to stay with him despite his issues. But all was well when we were of balanced weight ratio and balanced careers and income? Whose problem is it and more importantly do you think that what others think is a deciding factor? 

I know a couple who are both attractive and rich but the guy is a little older (I think maybe 10-12 years) than his model girlfriend. The immediate comments from our circle of 'friends' are along the lines of: "oh...she must be with him for the money" FOLLOWED BY "is he that good in bed?". Arguably the girl is a knock-out but the guy is hot too. She has equally high income. So people loooove to ponder stuff that does not concern them BY RULE regardless of who you are, what you do and how you look.

Are you living in a small community?

You are feeling vulnerable because you are insecure. But another angle to this is - everyone wants to make an impression and everyone is on some level bothered about how they are perceived by others. Everyone has some insecurities. It is great if you are around non-judgemental person. Does she know any nice, down-to-earth simple people with whom you can try meeting (when you are ready) ? Maybe she will be able to choose people to start off with who she knows and trusts. And if you trust her you can take the lead. Or see if any of her acquaintances maybe need help with their car? So you can diffuse 'mingling' through work. Though I am sure you will be fretting about the quality of your work? LOL

Brainstorm when you are in the mood.

Meeting new people and trying new things may feel like a challenge and while anonymous online contacts are easier than the real deal - you reached out here. So that was already a step.

 

"And I have people who care even if it's a tiny step in someone else's eyes it may be HUGE for me."

I'd say

"One small step for man...one giant leap for ...." heck...none of anyone's business what you do, how and when if it does not hurt them in any way !!

Now about those snails...pure protein - no flavour and terrible for those with weak teeth. IF you are going to try them I advise you to do so before you are too old. My husband collects them around the yard every year and annoys me because: a/ he needs to eat less not seek new things to eat b/ I sometimes worry that when the snails run out he may turn on the dog or the cat and c/ he dirties 3 pots to cook one meal for himself d/ when he cooks snails the rest of us eat sandwiches....Real life problems families face...since we are on the subject. I know we were on a different subject but I had to let off steam! Did you know that growing snails can provide an income stream by the way?

I like to brainstorm if you did not figure that out already...

And most importantly laughter makes it ALL so much easier to work through.

Have a beautiful day pondering your next step/project...

Well I'll reply to all this tonight, as I'm about to take her out in about an hour or so... Wish me luck haha 😁😓

Hope that went ok and both came back in one piece and you are not too shattered. If all else fails...snails it is Sending best thoughts I can muster.

...erm...that's not fair...you can't leave us hanging like that! LOL. What happened!? How did it go?

Hey! It went well actually, we went to a lake and it was fairly quiet and it was really tranquil... Honestly I was nervous all day and had stop and take a breather due to me panicking... So we ate some food and hung out, and we went home a couple hours later, but all in all it was great seeing her happy and excited about it :D