4th or 5th severe depression. and suicidal.

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Am in my 4th or 5th severe depression. I'm a male in my 60s.

Am on a long trip to france and ran out of 2 of my meds a few months ago, trazodone and wellbutrin as they're not licensed here. Also the last few months very stressful so gradually sank in this depression which focuses on a 14 yr old event.

I was conned and extorted in what should have obvious to me as a scam.

Had my meds sent to me about 10 days ago and think I can feel a very faint improvement.

I have on 2 occasions had remission in a few minutes which my doctor thinks indicates being bipolar.

I have 3 questions and would be grateful if somebody can answer.

1. Cbt seems to deal with distorted memories. I'm sure there are many people who have objective memories of past events. Can it also deal with non distorted memories. Or is there something else as effective

2. Could I have remission from this episode as it focuses on the most stupid and humiliating event of my life.

3. The event lasted at least a year and a half under constant pressure and threat. So could ptsd be involved.

I think about suicide but learnt years ago that i won't do it. If there won't be a remission I have to reconsider.

Thank you.

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    No, don't reconsider....wait for the replies on here. 

    I don't know what else to say, except the past is the past....leave it there, don't let it rule your life.


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  • Posted

    Any psychological disorder can feed upon any one or more of our past experiences that caused us significant pain, be it one year or 50 years ago.

    It is the very nature of the beast to thrive on past periods of sadness in our lives, almost as maggots feed upon death.

    Does it really matter what the name tag is for the chronic disability that you suffer with, as it is there as a malignant every day reminder of your illness, a reminder that you could well do without?

    I believe that where there is life there is hope, and I have significant proof of that being fact.

    When my eldest son was in the middle of his finals he had a complete nervous breakdown. The years that followed were a complete nightmare for him and for us his family. With a great deal of medical help and the love and support of us he did manage to pull through it all, and go on to be able to cope with his illness and live a normal happy life.

    From what I have experienced with him I am fairly certain that these things never completely go away, but what happens is that suffers adopt stragegies enabling them to manage their illness.

    It is almost as if once a determined strategy has been adopted the tide begins to receed, allowing the space and time for a sufferer to regain their strength. 

    It is not easy and it does take a lot of work and patience, but it can be worth the effort if we don't give up. 

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    • Posted

      The way you put it about any psychological disorder can feed on any past painful event no matter how old. And that it's the nature of the beast to feed as maggots gave me some perspective and maybe some hope.

      There are things we know are true from our own experience, even though depression makes it difficult to believe in them.

      But when you see them put in a certain way they pen et rate more. So thank you.

      Sorry about your son and glad it's behind him now.


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    • Posted

      It was as much a fight for him as it is for you - it isn't easy.

      You have too much value to this planet to be sacrificed to the beast of despair.

      Fight on my friend and defeat the darkness.

      Your pal


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  • Posted

    Sounds like you went through a horrible phase in your life.  You probably know just as much as I do that you need to try to let go of the past and instead prepare for each new day as they come.  I'm autistic so letting go of the past is more difficult for me and there's times I want to beat myself up over things I've said and done/not done.  I have to constantly remind myself that the past is the past and that I should not look at it as unfairness or my own stupidity to blame myself on but as a lesson to learn to make myself stronger should the same situation happen again in the future.  The time is now and it's the present that matters and those around me who haven't taken advantage of me and have been there for me every step.

    I know this doesn't answer your questions about cbt and ptsd as I've never had those so I know nothing about them, however I do know about being haunted by past memories (and I've had plenty of them) and letting them get me down and blaming myself and giving me suicidal thoughts.  They are inner demons and they take a regular beating from me to back off and leave me be.  Sometimes it helps to shout out "leave me be!" and stamp a foot defiantly to express that this is now and not then and those things that have passed don't matter any more.

    I am glad you're not planning on taking your life but it may be worth discussing this with your doctor and having him properly diagnose you with bipolar if that's what he suspects you have.

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    • Posted

      Of course you're right about letting go of the past and it's the present that matters. I just wonder if I'll be able to.

      I'm sorry to hear of your problem and hope we'll both manage to ease our pain. Thank you for your evident concern.


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  • Posted

    HI, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with problems at the present time, and still haunted by the past....I agree with all the very good previous posters advice...

    I too have many, many things in my past that still, hurt, embarrass, upset...make me cry or they can fill me with rage at the hurt and dreadful unfairness and betrayal of others....

    Try as I do to think....THIS NEW DAY....IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE....pat yourself on the back for everything you do positively today, no matter how small.....I truly wish you all the very best sir...

    Regards to you...DEIRDRE xxx

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