A need to unburden myself..

Posted , 6 users are following.

This is the first time in 30 years I have voluntarily raised the issue of his I exist. The reason for doing so is a. To hopefully confirm a few med related issues, and b. To help me decide my next steps.

A litlte background context - I have suffered with Bulemia since the age of 14 & I am now 40. I was first diagnosed with depression following a failed OD aged 17. Prescribed the usual tricyclics and pushed out of the sytem almost immediately to everyones relief.  I joined the military as a private soldier aged 18 having missed A-Levels and being told in no uncertain terms to leave the house by my father) medical records never checked), and spent the next 21 years serving. Despite excelling and as a result commissioning, the bulemia never left however I concealed it well. 

I hit a turning point in 2005 when an incident somehow brought on the symptoms of depression to such an extend that I was committed by the military to a private medical clinic for my own safety. Having been poked and prodded and prescribed meds I was released and spent 10 months on medical leave before being given the choice of either a medical discharge or to sign a form stating I was fully cured and continuing my career.  There was no real choice here as to leave would be to forfeit all pension rights until the age 55, but to remain serving until 2012 would allow me to leave with an immediate pension. I lied and stayed.

I spent the next 6 years without medication, struggling internally however managing to hide external symptoms from colleagues before retiring my commission in 2012.

It is now Oct 2014 and despite best intentions to get help once leaving the military, I have been unable to do so and retain viable employment. I work in the development sector mostly overseas managing aid programmes in harsh places, and a clean medical bill of health is a pre-requisite. I have therefore continued to lie and hide symptoms of bulemia and clinic depression that have spiralled.

6 months ago my contract ended and I decided to speak to a GP about medication. She put me on 250mg of Sertraline daily which I have been taking consistently, up until 6 days ago. The meds have transformed me into a zombie; unable to concentrate, think or feel to the point of being numb. I have lost a fiance, any self respect remaining, and the will to live. The honest reason I am still here is the guilt of knowing the effect my death would have on my family, and the fact that my mother would lose her home without my support (I pay the mortgage).

6 Days ago I decided to stop taking the meds. The physical and psychological effects of this have been fairly traumatic. Although I am without doubt me again, that unfortunately brings, emotional instability, increased bulemia, headaches, dizziness, pain and although I do not feel anxious, I do know I cannot go on like this.

I feel very calm and sure that I wish to cease this existence. I am not religeous, but spiritual and believe there is probably something on the other side of the door. Even if there isnt it has to be better than this.

This isnt a cry for help, it is I think a final testament, because I need to let it out and out somewhere where it will be swallowed in abscurity. I dont want help or to discuss, simply to let go.

Who ever reads this, thankyou for taking the time. I wish you the very best of luck with your struggle, and I hope you are made of stronger stuff than I.



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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi PJC,

    Medications for mental illness don't work the same for everyone. If you have a good doctor they will prescribe different meds until they find the ones that work for you. Just rember it takes a few months to get the drugs to kick in and work. There is no magic drug for everyone with similar sypmtoms - what works for one won't work for another, If you feel like a Zonbie obviously you were prescribed something that isn't right for you. Don't give up and find a doctor that you trust and will treat you like a person not a number. There are some that care. 

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  • Posted

    I totally agree with Charlie. Some medications don't suit everybody. I used citalopram years ago and it worked wonders. I had to go back on it 8 weeks ago and it made me ten times worse with depression and anxiety.

    Please give yourself the chance to find the right thing for you. Three week ago I wanted it all to end too....but my new meds seem to be working in ways that the others didn't. I'm now looking around me and feeling hope..I'm far from better but I'm wanting to be here with my family and my son. 

    There is so much help out there,it's just a matter of finding out what gives you what you need.

    We are here for you. 

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    • Posted

      Gillian Glad YOU are doing better!!! Hang in there and when the meds start working for you stay on them, That's one of the factors that will keep you feeling well. I'm involved with mental health in the States and I've been there and I'm sure I will go through tough flare ups again. It's a life long thing don't let Mental Illness stop you from doing anything. 

      The fitst time I had the meds correct and was feeling good I stopped taking them thinking I was Cured. LOL ..Didn't realize they were the main rason I was feeling better. When re-lapses kick in I see the doc and sometimes simply need a medication adjustment.

      Sounds like you understand...Never lose hope...

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    • Posted

      It's a long road. I've been here before 13 years ago and conquered it and just have to keep telling myself I can do it again.

      Its early days but I owe it to myself and my family to give myself the best chance I can. 

      PJ..it seems to me that you have spent your whole life doing what you needed to do in order to make everybody else's life easier..like it was required of you and so you lived up to that sense of duty.

      I think for once in your life you should dedicate some time to you. Allow yourself the benefit of all there is to offer because you deserve it. 

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  • Posted


    I think you should go see a counciller. I go to see one every week about my anxiety and depression, it helps that they just listen, this may help you with your depression knowing that someone is there if you need them. Hope this helps a bit  biggrin

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  • Posted

    Hi I thought the maximum dose for sertraline is 200mg.  I am on this and find it good and I take 150 mg a day.  Maybe you should go back on them but on a lower dose.  The worst thing you can do is suddenly stop meds,  you need to wean yourself off slowly so this could be one reason you feel so bad.  

    I think counselling would help you as well as it doesn't seem as though you have sought treatment for a long time.  Depression is a horrible illness and it is this which is talking when you consider taking your own life.  Don't listen to it please.  You have taken the hard first step in coming on here and we will do our best to listen,  support and advise you anytime.  Stay with us and stay talking.  xx

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