A need to unburden myself..

This is the first time in 30 years I have voluntarily raised the issue of his I exist. The reason for doing so is a. To hopefully confirm a few med related issues, and b. To help me decide my next steps.

A litlte background context - I have suffered with Bulemia since the age of 14 & I am now 40. I was first diagnosed with depression following a failed OD aged 17. Prescribed the usual tricyclics and pushed out of the sytem almost immediately to everyones relief.  I joined the military as a private soldier aged 18 having missed A-Levels and being told in no uncertain terms to leave the house by my father) medical records never checked), and spent the next 21 years serving. Despite excelling and as a result commissioning, the bulemia never left however I concealed it well. 

I hit a turning point in 2005 when an incident somehow brought on the symptoms of depression to such an extend that I was committed by the military to a private medical clinic for my own safety. Having been poked and prodded and prescribed meds I was released and spent 10 months on medical leave before being given the choice of either a medical discharge or to sign a form stating I was fully cured and continuing my career.  There was no real choice here as to leave would be to forfeit all pension rights until the age 55, but to remain serving until 2012 would allow me to leave with an immediate pension. I lied and stayed.

I spent the next 6 years without medication, struggling internally however managing to hide external symptoms from colleagues before retiring my commission in 2012.

It is now Oct 2014 and despite best intentions to get help once leaving the military, I have been unable to do so and retain viable employment. I work in the development sector mostly overseas managing aid programmes in harsh places, and a clean medical bill of health is a pre-requisite. I have therefore continued to lie and hide symptoms of bulemia and clinic depression that have spiralled.

6 months ago my contract ended and I decided to speak to a GP about medication. She put me on 250mg of Sertraline daily which I have been taking consistently, up until 6 days ago. The meds have transformed me into a zombie; unable to concentrate, think or feel to the point of being numb. I have lost a fiance, any self respect remaining, and the will to live. The honest reason I am still here is the guilt of knowing the effect my death would have on my family, and the fact that my mother would lose her home without my support (I pay the mortgage).

6 Days ago I decided to stop taking the meds. The physical and psychological effects of this have been fairly traumatic. Although I am without doubt me again, that unfortunately brings, emotional instability, increased bulemia, headaches, dizziness, pain and although I do not feel anxious, I do know I cannot go on like this.

I feel very calm and sure that I wish to cease this existence. I am not religeous, but spiritual and believe there is probably something on the other side of the door. Even if there isnt it has to be better than this.

This isnt a cry for help, it is I think a final testament, because I need to let it out and out somewhere where it will be swallowed in abscurity. I dont want help or to discuss, simply to let go.

Who ever reads this, thankyou for taking the time. I wish you the very best of luck with your struggle, and I hope you are made of stronger stuff than I.

PJC

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