A sense of unreality and intrusive / philosophical questions!

Hi, I'm in my late twenties and currently experiencing a second phase of depression in my life. The first episode was 2.5 years ago which had a long and slow steady decline, first presenting itself as anxiety/physical symptoms and resulting in a full blown breakdown because I pushed myself to breaking point. I quit my job, left London and made quite a lot of good changes in my life. I thought it was behind me.

I moved to another City after spending a year with my family recovering and building myself back up again. I had been treated with 150mg of Sertraline which I took for just over two years before stopping in March of this year. I felt OK without the medication for around 3 months but a few weeks ago after moving house and changing the office that I work in I felt myself rapidly going downhill. I was also unlucky enough to witness a suicide on a bridge near where I live, which I found very traumatic and distressing (as anybody would! But it affecting me more due to having a history of depression!) I started to dwell on that event which ultimately I think triggered this episode in me. I think however that it was a sign that everything wasn't right with me, as when stronger I could have dealt with it better.

I went to the doctor and initially put back on 50mg of Sertraline. The first few days were pretty bad, no appetite, nausea - but that quickly lifted. I went to the doctor two weeks later and asked to be put up to 100mg, since this is toward the dose that helped me before.

The thing that I want to find out from other people is do you get a sense of unreality when you are depressed or taking/starting medication? I feel distanced from those around me even though I talk and act completely normal. It's like I'm a robot. I'm able to 100% hide that there is anything wrong with me! The first time I was depressed I used to get deep philisophical questions about the size of the universe and why humans were here at all. This time around I'm obsessed with the complexity of the human body like how our brain works and what even makes us alive. I sometimes feel just like a robot acting in my own life and I can't quite decide if it's the depression or the medication, or both! Overall I know deep down that these thoughts are a symptom of my illness as a healthy "me" can think the same things but not dwell on them and see them as a negative thing - but I tend to endlessly ruminate on this stuff when I'm not very well. I actually even saw a pyschiatrist once and I tried to explain all of this to him and he just said to me "it's just 'stuff'" - which pretty accurately describes it. 

I'm hoping this time I will have gone downhill quickly, and I'll go uphill quite quickly too. I am keeping a diary, it's only 2.5 weeks since I started the medication again.

Interested to hear from other people who experience a similar thing to myself or anybody who has dealt/dealing with a second episode of depression and what your story is..

Thanks!

1 like, 23 replies