A victim?

:shock: Hi [b:a362b9e051]Nreezman, thanks for your post. My problem is I cant get the sordid images out of my head, the events before it haunt me over and over , and I know something triggered mt guilt, hurt and shame before my partner started to get physical (hence why I blaim myself for this relationship breaking sdown). But I cant get rid of the images that ho through my head. Even just having god dam windows upsets me. (I cant even let my mum touch me without great difficulty . The only people that I let close are my children...and believe me if anyone hurts them ....god...er!!!! (I do not wish to say what I would do!). Oh I like to cuddle my big fat cat. He purrs whenever I get close to him.

I am trying so hard to get rid of my past, but I cant seem to take much ////abusing my body as I go. I just think and feel like no one really seems to care. I mean when you study these things (as well) you know how strangers react to stressful situations> DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM THINKING NOW.......FACE YOUR FEARS PEOPLE!!!! :peace:

People were giving me such strange looks in the street on the way to victim support. God...see this annoys me....why is the world so full of these judgemental people.?...But no one will help when help is required!!!! MAKES ME ANGRY!!!!!

I am not the only one in my family that /////has happened to, nut the problem is my sister does not understand why I am reliving the events day and night!!!!! She thinks I have gone looooooopppppppeeeeeeeyyyyy(huh, that :evil: :artist: ) That I love!

Breezman......is your daughter good now? (Thanks for your time and care, luv, Tiny Tears). [/b:a362b9e051]

Hi Tiny Tears,

My daughter may never come to grips with her situation. She is 27 now, and 9 years after the trauma she is still, at times, suicidal. I hear what you say, and siblings can be the worst of critics. But at the end of the day, we all die alone. So how can we negotiate the path to some semblance of happiness? For many years I have sufferted with \"major depression\". I am an Aussie man, which means we must not consider feelings as relevant. Get on with it! Wrong. At some point we must all face our problems squarely and try to work through them. I have been honest with myself, which was hard, and have addressed some issues from childhood. But you sound like such a loving, caring person. I refuse to allow anyone to decide my value in my mind, even though my self esteem may not be high sometimes. I have been very fortunate to have got a second chance, with a European woman with whom I recently spent two weeks on vacation in Tasmania. I discovered the sexual malfunction which allows erection but not ejaculation, a humiliating discovery, but my wonderful partner accepted me for me, and I found out today that this is a known side-effect of Cipramil in men. I have had so many ups and downs that sometimes it's hard to know where I am in the scheme of things, but I do know that Life is there for the taking and a loving partner is, for me, indispensable. And I mean loving as in caring, not simply the physical, which is also very important. Sleep deprivation is still an issue for me, although not as bad as it was. It is 12:30 am here as I write this, and I must go to work in 6 hours. I wish you well, tiny tears. And I tell you this: you do not have to put up with domestic violence. There are refuges for women in this situation. When you make the move away from this monster, which you will, you will wonder why you waited so long. Look after you! xx.

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :roll: :cry: [b:c7af226ca1]Well, what a day?

I now just want to sleep!!! I have had it up to the top of my numbskull head!!! I have taken some of my problem to my GP now, who seemed understanding! But I keep and cant help but wonder if he believes me.

I also told the woman at Victim support about my history. She was quite quick to ask the correct questions, and very understanding. But now my body feels soooooooooooooo tense and I have a huge headache!! Why did I not do something about it at the time? Well, the police were c...r...a...p at the time/ maybe its because there are soooo many murders, (I dont know) also at the time, I so wanted out of that horrible little mucky bedsit so quick and fast and to sucessfully finish my degree, I just wanted to believe it ws me...I just wanted to keep it quiet from everyone!! I had been through enough by then...and my interpretation of the police was, they are sh*t!!!!

What really annoys me, is that I cried for help before that evil nasty night, I had the god forsaken evidence, the post cards the underground tube tickets. I feel so ashamed that I never acted then! All I keep thinking is maybe it was someone else, maybe it was...I just do not know!!! All I know is what happened that night....and yes, I do blaim myself...as I had been out before it all happemned!!!

Sometimes you just want to forget or pretend it never happened!!Sometimes , well I did, wanted to just keep going and stay busy. Had I stopped then...I would have bee a goner!! Its bizarre though, had I not moved in with my friend after it all, I would not have managed!!! She took ill with clinical depression. These things are such a taboo subject, its soooo scary casue, well I was and still do worry that I am not going to be believed. :oops: LOOK FOLKS AND FOR ANYONE ELSE THAT HAS BEEN THRO SUCH STUFF, DO IT FOR YOURSELF!!! DONT GIVE A DAMB ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK,! AFTERALL, NO ONE REALLY GAVE A SH1T ABOUT ME AT THAT POINT!

IDONT KNOW IF IAM BEING UNDERSTOOD AND MY HEAD IS POUNDING, BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT I HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING TO HELP MYSELF!

iF YOUR PARTNER HAD TRIED TO STRANGLE YOU, POSSIBLY TO CALM ME DOWN (THE WRONG THING TO DO) OF COURSE ITS GOING TO BRING THE SORDID EVENT BACK......Think about it, I am screaming at him...once he had pushed me over....dont touch me...just dont touch me over and over, thats when he did what he did.

My doctor did ask me stuff today about you know what, and I am sorry but I could not be 100% honest. But after today I was tooo exhausted to go there and in any case I am hoping that once I get over all of this that I will be able to understand him/my partner more. Surely, he to needs some kind of help!!! Surely his testosterone levels are so high that there is no other way to go and surely it is my fault as I did not seek the help I required sooner. Is it not natural for a man to explode if they do not get it????????(God, I need to get myself a decent job so i can get new specs...this is really frustrating!) Anyway...I could really do with some cheering up...Is there anyone there who could help!!! I dont know if I have done the right thing by dragging it all up. I was hoping that in time I would just forget, like I had tried to do before! Oh someone,plleeeassssssseeeeeeeeeee talk to me.....[/b:c7af226ca1]

:D

Oh Tiny Tears - how brave you've been today! No wonder your head is bursting.

Don't beat yourself up about not opening up 100% - you've started on the road to recovery, the rest of your experience can wait to be told another day.

And as far as not reporting the incident, look at the childrens' home in Jersey. There must be dozens of victims who've never come forward so stop saying it's all your fault.

WELL DONE YOU!!

I'm really pleased for you. Try and get some rest now - your body needs it.

HUGS

Well done from me too Katy.

Take it easy now.

Melbi x

[b:f8787440a3] :shock: :shock: :cry: :cry: :oops: :cry: :shock: Thanks folks for your empathy.....I am going to try that sleep thing now.....take care!!..I will log on later...........no doubt!!!! Folks...think....posture :lol: :wah: :diva: :kiss: :kiss: Actually...I would prefer cheepaa! Nigh night good people![/b:f8787440a3]

:shock: Whats happening to me???????? :?: :?: :?: :?:

I am :twisted: :evil: :twisted: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: I cant stop crying now and my body has decided to curl up on itself.....cant look out the window...pleeeeeaaaaasssse...some one talk to me.............I dont understand???????

I have to get focused. Its partners birthday on Sunday. I dont want to dissapoint him, but think the fact that he said..\"that he does not want a fus made....actually means, he does want a fuss made....dont know what to do....and I have not done anything for him yet. Help! :roll: :roll:

How are you feeling now Katy?

Why not do something silly like arange a child's birthday party, with kids games like pin the donkeys tail. I did that when my mum was 60, bought some cheap things to wrap for pas the parcel, made jelly, small triangle sandwiches, played alice the camel etc. Sausage rolls - usual kids party food. Invite a few close family and friends. put a few balloons up, kiddies party plates etc. Your children will love helping and keeping it a secret from daddy - daddy will have such fun - any excuse to behave like big kids again.

You could but things like socks, shaving foam, razors etc for pass the parcel. Not sure hoe old your children are but mine were old enough to realise what I was doing - so pass the parcel we always made sure the mnusic stopped on my mum and she got to open the parcels. If they are too young to realise you couldm always add a few items in there for them to open.

Just an idea - I know we all really enjoyed ourselves, in fact they dod the same for me one birthday!

Melbi x

Melbi...I just want to go and lie under my duvet forever......I dont get me.,..this...not at all!!!! Just does not make anysense!!!! My body feels so tired, I feel so exhausted and I should really go and do some hosework/apply for a new job/ fill out passports. I am avoiding my mother now, she asks too many questions!!!! I cant talk to her about stuff...I dont want her to worry and I am not sure she is the best person for me to turn to!!!!

Thank you for the party advice, I think it sounds a good idea!!! Ill give it a burl!!!! (still scratching knee,,so itchy). Liked your story about the cat nip :lol: :lol: Take care, luv Tiny Tears, x

The kids party is much more fun to organise than an adult one. We laughed so much when we have done it. I might arrange another one - could be just what I need lol.

Wish this health visitor would hurry up and come then go! I hate people calling in like this - why does it always feel like they are checking up on you - because they are. I mean if they werent they would just stay away and only come if you requested a visit.

Nevermind, she will weight the baby - she weighs a ton now lol.

Melbi x

8) Glad to hear that your baby wieghs a ton...[b:59fef9a741]good stuff :!: :!: :!:

I have been soo lazy today....not even answering the telephone....seems pointless...just to speak to people who dont know and waffle on about///) So nah nah, just let me sort my head out plllleeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepeople!!!!!

Been cuddling my cat...he is such a big softie...he never used to be...but he got cat flu when he was a kitten, cost me an ar, and a leg on vet bills...but hey...it was worth it!!!!!

(Whoops I forgot to thank PJ for his post yesterday!!!)

Take Care Melbi Hope your HV turns up asap so you can enjoy the rest of your day!!!Luv Tiny Tears...oh and remeber to give your babu girl a :tickle: make her laugh. x[/b:59fef9a741]

I've just received a letter through the post from my boss. This is the 2nd time he has written rather than phoned. I find all this quite stressful and upsetting and is adding to my anxiety. I have worked there for over 10 years and now all of a sudden I am not worth or talking to but rather they send me letters through the post.

This letter says he has heard that my doctor may be giving me permission to return to work on Monday but due to the nature of my illness I will need to have a 'return to work' interview prior to restarting. What the hell is one of them and why the hell does he say I need one? And why the hell couldnt he have just rang me and said so - why the need for such a formal letter?

I feel now they are saying they dont want me back just because I'm suffering from anxiety.

I am already struggling to pick up the phone even to make an appointment wiht doctor it has taken me all week before I finally managed this morning. Now he wants me to contact them so i can arrange a retune to work interview. Does he not realise that he has just added to my anxiety.

Whats the point of trying to get better if idiots like that are just going to be so damn ignorant :twisted:

melbi, dont worry, they are just covering their backs,,,as ////management do...I know it feels sooo insensitive...you spend all this time with these people...and then they come out with the professional I am a b*stard/bitch jargon???? But I am aware of the procedure for returning to work.. That is a \"back to work interview//You have worked there sooo long...dont let them get you down/nor take them lightly about the stress they are causeing you. Does the workforce not understand the harassment they cause.????..If I were you Id go to your docs, and get off for longer,,,, they dont sound like they are helping you!!! Relax and try and enjoy your baby!!!!

:cry: :shock: :cry: Another pair of effing trousers in the bin, this time there was loads of blood, this time I caught on the ground howling, by a neighbour...cried somemore then came home, my knee has practically no skin. This is just ridiculous. Melbi,[b:9584bb6fa1]you should not have to worry about your work!!!, luv Tiny Tears. And sometheing in my back went twang when I was changing the girls bed clothes....so annoyed witj partner.H ejust sat on the computer playing games while I locked myself away and cried. I think I might be sick...keep gagging!!!!![/b:9584bb6fa1]

I doubt very much she will sign me off ther sick yet anyway - I'm there today at 4pm all I need to now is muster up the energy and effort to get ready to go. Daughter sais she will come wiht me - helps a little but still hard to go.

Why has it become so difficult to leave the house>? This want why i went to see my doctor in the first place. I went because I just couldnt sleep and was exhausted.

I rang my fella and read the ltter out to him - he says the same as you so feeling a little calmer now but stil cant see why boss didnt ring me and explain what the letter was about and why.

I am taking the letter to the doctors with me and will show her too. My fella says she will now be even more cautious about sending me back until she is 100% sure I am ready.

So glad I fouind this place. You just dont realise how much you are helping me.

Or maybe you do - it must help you too.

I think we should all arrange a chit chat one evening :lol:

I reeally must go and get ready to see the doctor.

HV came and baby now weighs 11lb 8 oz, thats a huge gain in weight and she was amazed at how alert she is.

Why cant the doctor come and see me here - why do i have to go out

Melbi x