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Ive never done this before, so this is all new to me!!
Anxiety has never been too far away from me. Neither has mental health. With a family who have mental health issues ive battled and battled ignoring the fact that ive had depression for a while. When i was 15, after a horrible time at secondary school and being beaten up on a daily basis, i was diagnosed with depression. I went to therapy sessions and counselling and just said to my mum that i was better. She was dealing with alot - my younger brother has social and emotional problems, was born deaf and had problems with his throat. I felt like another problem, and just wanted to make it easier for my mum.
I moved away, and came to university. My brother seemed to worsen with brain issues and illnesses, and had to have several operations. I met my current boyfriend who is amazing. We were together for about 5 months, agreed it would be just sex at the start, but we ended up falling in love. Yay! Unformatunately, he was moving to Australia to go travelling. So he left, and it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me and i was so alone. It was at a time when my brother was on life support, and had been comatised for a couple of months with not much hope of him surviving. It put pressure on my parents marriage and left me making all the decisions with the doctors as to whether we should turn the machines off. My brother has survived.
Essentially, i was put through so much stress, dealing with uni, marital breakups, mum wanting to blame me for everything, depression and a boyfriend the other side of the world. It was hard. I didnt really see it, but my depression got worse, and worse. I went back to uni to complete my final year - and had to stop. I couldnt face it. I was then diagnosed with insomnia, and just couldnt ever sleep. I was having these weird attacks up on campus - which i now know are panic attacks, and i just couldnt hack life. I became very suicidial. The only thing i felt i could control was my eating, so i resorted to binging and purging (again) and became obsessive with excersize. I lost a load of weight, in an unhealthy way, but my confidence grew because of it. Due to the amount of stress on my body, i then became intollerant to alcohol, caffeine, gluten and dairy. This is fine at home, but has put a huge downer on going out, eating out. Its SO DIFFICULT!!!
Anyways, my boyfriend came back from Aus, and we are living together which is great!! However, my depressions still bad. Im no longer suicidal but i am SO anxious. I get scared when im alone - rediculously scared. Hes meant to be going away for a couple of nights form tomorrow for a wedding - and i dont know what to do. Im having daily panic attacks - and to have a panic attack alone is just unbearable. None of my friends are around because theyve all gone back home as its summer.
I feel like im runing my boyfriends life. I get so scared when he wants to go out - WHICH i know he should be able to doo!! Thats the crazy thing about it. But i just shake and cant breath when im alone. Please help me.
Im meant to be completing uni starting in september too, and thats bringing back so many dark memories. I just dont know what to do.
I take fluoxtine and olanzapine glenmark for the depression and anxiety. But i really need some support.
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