Advice needed

Posted , 6 users are following.

Ok so the last 5 years of my life in small....

Met a bloke, was warned off by many ppl that he was bad news but I fell for him..

He then used me for sex and then ignored me until he wanted to use me again. Stupidly I let him hoping he would want me..

Fell pregnant, he left me was pretty nasty towards me flicked fag in my face tore scan picture up in front of me abusive texts about how he would love to break my nose blah blah

I then went into bad depression and bled through out pregnancy which I might add he did not once come and to hospital to see the baby was ok and I hadn't lost it.

Rest of pregnancy I found out he was sleeping with his ex again which made me feel awful,

His family begged me to have him at birth I agreed and always loved him so felt awful having him there he sat there striking my hand the hole labour,

Next day he took my baby in car seat and walked to car leaving me to walk on my own, he dropped me home n left us. When baby was 6 weeks he came and got abusive and police was called n did nothing.

When she was 6 months I got back together with him hoping for a perfect family , stupid I no.

He left me n came back and forth for the next few years.

I'm a mess now and I don't no what to do ? Stay with him or just get rid?

I can't have friends or go to work I feel isolated, my family don't like him. He won't go to any family does but I have to go to his there's no commitment 4 years down line, says he will move him and it never happens. I'm so confused I don't want him with anyone else

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  • Posted

    numb is an appropriate tag for you because this is your reaction to his behaviour.

    He obviously has some power over you so be careful when you decide what to do as the reaction may be a violent one.

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  • Posted

    Hang on a minute! Why do you have to go to his family do's?

    If he's so neglectful and abusive you need to run in the opposite direction.

    I don't understand why the police didn't do anything - when you say he got abusive, what actually happened? Did he hit you or threaten you?

    You have a baby now and the baby has to be your priority, darling. Surely you don't want you child to have an abusive father? That's a recipe for a sad, dysfunctional child.

    You're worth more than this, and yes, I've been through this, and yes, I finally got rid of him.

    It was the best thing I could ever have done, honestly.

    Who cares if he's sleeping with somebody else\/ \he obviously isn't committed to you if he's doing that!

    He also isn't committed if he didn't keep his promise to move in with you. And be grateful for that!!!!!!!

    How much money has he given you towards the things the baby needs?

    I'm ever so sorry if this sounds tough and wasn't what you wanted to read, but you don't need a nasty so and so like this in your life.

    Love from Tess

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  • Posted

    I agree with tess 100 per cent Move on it will take strength but enough is enough. Made me sad to hear how he has treated you both. Deep down you know the answer. Be strong he will never change and you both deserve better. X. Wish you well
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  • Posted

    Hi I have to agree with Tess and Gill. Run the other way babe. That child is the most important thing in your life. Having an abusive father in my life until I was 15 did do much emotional damage to me and my mother. Do you want that for your little one. I cant believe the police did nothing but I have no experience or knowledge of how things work on that side of the world. Go somewhere safe with your little one and be safe xx
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  • Posted

    Hi Numb - Tess is absolutely right. Now let's look at the definition of a psychopath:

    1/ Isolate victim from family and friends

    2/ Threaten victim with some sort of loss creating fear

    3/ Monitor and control victims movements/contacts

    4/ Belittle victim undermining confidence causing victim to question her own logic

    5/ If victim shows any backbone, relent on cruelty for a moment and make empty promises for the future

    6/ Promises of commitment are not forthcoming or acted upon

    7/ Threaten violence if victim does not conform

    8/ If victim reveals/reports the emotional/psychological/physical abuse, belittle them to authorities ( i.e. new mother/hormones/mentally unbalanced.)

    8/ Lie, lie,lie and lie some more

    Numb, you are not a person to that bully. His life is about totally controlling yours. You are his property to abuse as he sees fit. His success is reflected in the fact that you say you love him, that you are now isolated, that he has provided a permanent shackle on you nin the form of a precious child, and that you do not want him with anyone else.

    Get out now. It will be difficult at first but time and distance will help you see things with more clarity and you will be aghast at the prisoner he made you. He will not change and you won't change him.

    Get out now for the sake of your child who is an blank canvas that should never be scrawled upon by a selfish, controlling bully. Find support and advice in womens groups/shelters and/or consult a therapist.

    Get out now.

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  • Posted

    Thank you so much for your advice. It's such a hard situation. A lot of the time he's normal, or he will sit in silence all night. He blames me for all that happened since he met me which eventually u start believing once it's drummed in enough.

    The day he came n the police was called he was shouting and threatened me and hit my car a few times but the police wouldn't do anything . It has made me poorly being with him , my anxiety is so bad and depression and I get migraines. Just want a normal family life like everyone else . It frustrates me to why I'm not capable of having one. He started paying for her when I said about going to csa although at first he said he would rather go to court than pay money. He obviously thought about this and pays her 80 pound a month . He's earns quite a bit with his job. I dunno I could go on and on. It's frustrating X

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    • Posted

      It's up to you, Numb, but £80 a month just about covers nappies and baby wipes.

      If he earns 'quite a bit', as you say, then ask the Child Support agency to intervene and get a realistic level of Child Support. You can tell them that he's violent and aggressive and they'll make sure that the pair of you won't have to meet to get this sorted out. Also, try to find a single parents group in your area - also a domestic violence one - try google - I think you'll be surprised at what comes up.

      You ARE capable of having a normal family life - but not with this loser.   love Tess

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    • Posted

      Tess - thankyou so much for your kind words. What a difference this site is compared to many sites on the web where people are gob-smackingly rude. It's a pleasure to be here.

      Numb - at the risk of sounding like we have some sort of congratulation club going - Tess is right in raising a very important point.

      No matter what shade of beast the father is, he has a financial responsibility for the welfare of the precious life he helped bring into this world. You MUST tell any groups/negotiators that the father is a physical risk to you and the child. If you decide to arrange visits between father and child please make sure it is a controlled visit where there is at least another present - someone on your side. Men of his nature do not take kindly to the arrangements by others for his "property" (you and the baby) and it is the most dangerous time in the aftermath of seperation. Don't arrange to meet alone with him outside the rostered arrangements.

      And again, just like Tess said, you WILL have a normal family life. It will take time, and you must allow yourself time to grieve what is lost. You and baby come first always. The right man will come along - we're not all bad. 

       

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  • Posted

    May i ask you why you want him? What do you see in him? Theres something there that attracts you..what? What do you think you are suppose to be learning from him in your life? 
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    • Posted

      At first I completely fell for him and it was like treating me mean kept me keen during the first few months. Guess I had baby n didn't wanna give up on my family my baby's dad. This is actually a really question to answer rolleyes I can't think! I do think what if I left him and he was completely different with someone else it would drag me further down wondering what's wrong with me.

      Someone said to me the other day arnt I gutted that my life has gone no where , no friends no more no job never go on holiday never go for dinner just me my house my baby n him who still lives with mummy and won't commit to me.

      I hear what your saying I just don't no how to answer it at all sad

      Maybe it's just that I fell in love that's kept me here , or I'm scared I'll be on my own forever or no one else would want me.

      Frustrates me Coz I was never this person 4 years ago I was out going confident always out with friends always happy and joking about but also happy in my day life doing courses at college etc. I'm 35 years old now! N I've gone backwards n stopped n it scares me. Your question has depressed me lol

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    • Posted

      Being aware of why you are making these choices it is cruicial to the path you are choosing in your life. Yes he can meet someone else and be a different person. Each of us bring out something different in a person. Works both ways here. In the exact same theory you not about hismpotentials.. what about you? Couldnt you meet someone else, or find some life calling of some sorts? Is this love? Is this what love feels like? Is this what love has felt like for you?
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  • Posted

    I really really feel for you and probably even more your little one. Growing up in that environment is going to seem normal and well.... Its a vicious cycle. Look into all your options and don't let jealousy and your heart over ride what you know is right (whatever that is for you) xx
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  • Posted

    I know it's difficult but I endured an abusive relationship and getting out of it gave me my life back again.

    Try to feel positive - there are other men around who are good people, so you'll hopefully find one some time.

    Is your bloke sending messages of apology, and saying he'll never do it again?     Love Tess

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    • Posted

      I no but then on good days I think is he really as bad as I think he is. I always have my guard up with him and constantly tell my self bad things he does or has done in order to keep my feelings not so strong Coz I don't wanna get hurt ya no n it does my head in. I don't like living like this. No when he's a arsehole he never says sorry he twists it round so what ever the issue was it was me that is the bad one n I no its not but u start to believe it. A lot of time he walks away and then comes back he usually has jewerlly for me or his baby I think that could be his way of saying to his self he's not so bad I don't no.

      I've been asked to see my family today and I'm sitting here not knowing what to do sit at home and look at the walls or get out I feel guilty ya no for going out even if it is just for coffee sad

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    • Posted

      if you open your eyes and your mind here oh boy can you learn a lot about yourself and how some choices, or decision we make have such a strong impact on our physical lives as well as our happiness and even our health. sweetheart love is pure, it feels good. Its an uplifting feeling. There are no excuses in it, no selfishess apart of it. It just is. Do you understand that? Learn..you are in a situation right now to learn so much about life and yourself here. Ask yourself what you would tell you daughter if she was in this exact situation? Then realize would you even have the opportunity to tell her ..knowing you held all the answers? Because i think you noted you are apart of his life and his family but he is not interested in your life or your family..but onky as it has a potential to meet his needs and desires. Mhm think love, think about all these choices you are making and how it is playing out okay? Also think about your own motives in all this as well. Are they pure? Does "love" even play a role for either of you? Be honest 
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