Afraid of being myself

Posted , 3 users are following.

Well guys, I feel lucky to have found this site. First of all sorry If I make mistakes, English is not my main language. Well I just don't think I still have fight in me... Well I'm not a freak, I'm a normal person, I hang out with people, I go to college, Im with people, I date... But the thing is I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong or look wrong. It's like I'm feeling what the other person thinks of me and It makes me feel uncomfortable. I was thinking If it is maybe my parents fault... But I don't wanna rush with conclusions.. I am gay btw, and since I was little I gestured and had somewhat gay manners and they were always like: Don't gesture like a girl, walk straight like a man, do this and do that. And my mom was always comparing me with my cousin.. Like I was less of a person than my cousin was. Not saying that my mom is a horrible person, I know she loves me... They don't know Im gay and they are not gay friendly but well that's it. But I think some of the things she did wrong while I was a kid stuck with me, and as a result I'm a very shy and closed person sometimes, well most of the time. I hate myself sometimes that I get embarassed from common situations, and I hate myself that I don't always say my opinion, It suffocates me... I can't get naked in front of someone because I get self conscious. I'm 22 years old and I don't know who I am... Im different when Im with my family and different with other people. I'm just not acting like my natural self ever. It hurts me and sometimes I just feel tired and lay in the bed for hours without any life energy... I am frustrated about the way I look, I've never looked myself in the mirror and said: Wow you are beautiful... I only see flaws...I've tried meditating, but sometimes that frustrates me... I wanted to take pills or something for my depression... I just wanted to share my story...I dunno..

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    I think your English is just fine, Matt.

    i seriously think you need to talk to the professionals abou how you feel, starting with your doctor.  

    My daughter is gay and she has found life hard at times, but I have always been there for her.  Perhaps if you opened up to your Mum she would be more understanding than you expect, but maybe I am wrong, you will know better than I.

    i do hope you will seek some professional help, you sound to be really depressed.  There are so many ways to alleviate how you feel, please go and find it.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Pat.

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  • Posted

    Thank you Patricia, you are encouraging, but I come from a country where there is still the influence of church and comunistic beliefs so I don't think coming out is a great idea... Anyways I will contact a proffesional about this. I just cracked last night and wanted to share my story and hear opinions. Thanks a lot. smile Your daughter is lucky to have you and your support btw
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    • Posted

      Hi Matt

      I find it hard to be myself aswell and i am 37. Its as though ive hidden myself for so long i cant connect to who i really am. Its very confusing! I believe this is a problem for me as i wasnt validated or encouraged to become my own person as a child. I developed a role to support my mothers emotional needs and be the 'saver' in the family, looking after my siblings and thinking bascially i was born to make them all happy. Hence not developing a clear sense of my identity.

      So i would encourage you to do things where you can be yourself even if its on your own. Then with someone you are close to, a friend or whoever brings that out in you. Because it will strenghten over time, and you have time you are still young. Also we all act slightly differently around different people, its either our common interests or say how comfortable they make you feel. Whats important is YOU accepting what you believe is real in you. Then making it strong and believing in who it is.

      Thats what i think for what its worth. Hope you well in the journey of life 😀🌱

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    • Posted

      Hi yellowbuzz, It's exactly like you said... I've never been encouraged being just myself. I've been told how to act, and I was compared to my cousins and stuff, so I always found a way to act like them... And right now I am very confused. I even sometimes find myself not knowing If I should be bothered by some situation or not...Thank you for the advice though, I really apreciate it. As you said I'm going to do the things that I want with the people I'm closest to. 
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    • Posted

      Hello Matt

      Glad to get your reply. It helps to hear how you feel about this issue to reflect on my own feelings about it and how ive either grown or can grow further.

      When i first realised that this was real for me and had a psychologist to reaffirm it was, which definitely helped it was still a shock and i was really worried and had no one close to me that could understand. All i could do that felt right was spend loads of time alone, you could call it anti social even, but im open and not fussed with that since u found i was 'acting' to much around other people and tho that might be okay for me it felt very unsatisfying and made me sad. Whats the point in living if you cant experience your true self and explore what comes of living ( eh was that too serious, laugh ) Where was i .... oh.. so of course we are all different and do what feels right to you ( if its being confused for now so be it ) - something will come to you.

      What i loved n helped was gardening, reading and totally loving especially gardening that i felt myself true in the company of nature, and i didnt feel alone i felt strong and i become me. From that i noticed more my 'false' self around certain people who i believe just couldnt "SEE" or 'accept' me, that bought out fear hence becoming a bit false again. The opposite of those people i flourish and feel more strongly myself than ever. Its beautiful. Its a lovely thing to find yourself. Dont be ashamed or too worried, believe in yourself okay and when you find parts of you, love them dearly. Xxx lol i could talk forever🌱🌞

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