After an almost 20-year battle with anxiety and depression, I just can't do this anymore

Posted , 11 users are following.

I'm a 36 year-old (very old) woman. I've been suffering from anxiety and depression basically all my life, since I was 17. Therapy and medication helped me during my 20's, as well as having two (consecutive) stable relationships.

After the end of my long-standing relationship two years ago, things have been going downhill, in a downward spiral that is sucking me in, gradually clawing at everything I once was, leaving me feeling a mere shadow of my former self. I have stopped taking my antidepressants around three years ago, without consulting my therapist (who, in the meantime, had pretty much abandoned me) quite abruptly. It was one of the worst decisions of my life. I had a severe withdrawal syndrome that left me with the impossible decision of either starting a therapy with antipsychotic drugs (the possible side effects of which do nothing but increase my anxiety) or getting worse everyday, alienating friends and family from my life. I'm too terrified to take the antipsychotic drugs, but my current therapist - though understanding my concerns - has nothing else to offer as a solution.

I feel constantly suicidal but, like many other people living my predicament, don't have the strength to follow through in my pursuit. I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again.

Everything I cherished, loved, was passionate about doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I've grown to be just a weight in my loved ones' lives; they can't put up with me a moment longer.

I have been meeting only horrible, horrible people over the past two years: stalkers, people who have taken advantage of me and then left me when I wasn't needed anymore, people I thought were my friends or were interested in having a semblance of a relationship with me, but then disappeared.

I feel too old to start over; I have no motivation whatsover to do so. Please, please help me.

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11 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi nevermore

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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  • Posted

    I am 47 and felt the same as you when I was 43. I am now in a loving relationship. I never thought I would meet anyone after lots of bad online encounters and dates. but it happened out of the blue. by giving up you may miss out something fantastic that is in your future. just try and take each day as it comes. battle each day not your entire perceived future as that is way too overwhelming.

    as for medication, is there a different antidepressant you could try? or maybe attempt a small dose antipsychotic, as not everyone experiences side effects.

    you said therapy has worked in the past, why not have a try of this again?

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    • Posted

      Hi, thank you so much for answering, and sharing your uplifting story.

      I started therapy with a new psychologist (after "vetting" several), but, on the one hand, I somehow feel she's not the right person for me, and on the other, after almost 20 years of therapy, I've started to lose faith in the whole thing.

      I'm really scared of the medication; Xanax is having severe side effectss om my cognitive abilities of late (I have severe memory problems and can't seem to express myself as well as I once used to). I just want to quit the drugs and get better without.

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    • Posted

      That's an encouraging reply Jmc71 . I feel pretty much the same as nevermore, except I'm really Really old - 53. Finally lost my marriage of 25 years to depression recently 😟😟. Probably healthier - as we were in a bad place after too much strain and him being "the carer" too often. If I stay on my meds, I do stay well, but I am struggling like never before to get out of current depression with thought I'll be alone for rest of my life....

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    • Posted

      You won't be alone, no one is ever alone! Positivity is so powerful.

      And also, 53 is not old!!! My grandma had depression at 80, you are not old! Please live your life to the full and do everything for YOU and what YOU love ❤️

      At the end of the day, you are what's important to you, no one else.

      Stay strong.

      Emma - UK

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    • Posted

      emmac23 - I totally agree with what you have posted. We are taught from infancy that we are responsible for what others feel and think - it is corrosive because we learn to forget about what we want, what's best for ourselves. We are constantly craving acceptance, to be loved, to be included, pleasing others - even when that is damaging to ourselves and/or impossible where certain personalities are concerned. It results in the burying of indignation and anger, which then manifests in actions that do not address our needs, expressions of guilt when we don't 'measure up' to someone else's 'standard,' and issues like depression. In the end it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about us, because whatever they think about us, 30 seconds later they are wondering what to have for dinner. It's hard work to break the spell but i believe part of our purpose in this realm, in this time, and particularly in our state-of-mind, is to address that indoctrination. If what you're doing harms no-one else, then do it. If anyone has a problem with it, that's their problem. They decide how they feel, not anyone else.

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  • Posted

    I am so sorry you are feeling so helpless and hopeless. I can empathize with your feelings and struggles with depression (mine got so much more profound during peri-menopause), although no one on earth fully knows what you suffer.

    I have utilize a website that has proven invaluable to me. It is jw.org. Go on it and do a search using the key word, "depression". Several great articles come up, but the one that I found particularly comforting is the one entitled, "Help From the God of Comfort". It was SO encouraging, and offered such practical, useful suggestions on how to cope with depression and the nagging thoughts that go with it. More than that, talks about the promise that we will soon enjoy a world where depression does not exist, nor will the things that cause or contribute to depression. I know that when you are feeling low it is hard to think past the moment you are in -- you are just trying to survive minute to minute. But, I encourage you to read it. You can even press the arrow at the top of the article and have it read for you, if you're like me and sometimes feel too emotionally and physically drained to follow text while reading yourself.

    Please don't give up. There is help on the way, there really is. There may not be anyone on earth who fully knows all that you suffer, but there is definitely someone who completely understands and who wants to help you now and in the future. Keep fighting to get to that time when there will be no more sorrow, or mental pain, or people who prey upon others, or any of the other myriad of things that afflict or complicate our lives and bring us distress.

    I will check in with you in a couple of days -- maybe even tomorrow or later today, and see how you are.

    Hoping that you find real comfort, and real friends, and real happiness for an eternity.

    Shawn

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  • Posted

    Hi nevermore - I had to laugh when i read that 36 is (very old). I'm 56 and have suffered depression all my life. At the decrepit age of 46 i finally sought help for my condition. It was a roller coaster, thoroughly frustrating and confronting. But you persevere, because what other option is there? Meds have helped, so has understanding the condition. There are so many meds out there for depression. What works for one may not work for another. it is a hit-and-miss business - but what other option is there? Try the roller coaster ride again and see if there is a different combination that might work. Your therapist will give up if you are not compliant to their attempts to help you. It's a journey. We have a duty to explore every avenue to help ourselves. What other option is there?

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  • Posted

    I also suffer depression. had it solidly over Christmas as about 10 days of constant pain, about 14 years so far all in all on and off

    I take citalopram which has no side effects, why not try them. I definitely believe you need medication.

    You won't believe how many people suffer with it. 25% Americans? ?

    You live by yourself or with family?

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