Almost 3am awake and have an interview for a job I don't care if I get

Posted , 4 users are following.

Me and my on and off again boyfriend are currently off again. The relationship was doomed from the start. He's very much older then I am and I've called the police on him three times last time putting him in jail overnight for abuse and vandalism on me and my property.

However when we're not talking and the words that we say to each other stop stinging and I realize that I'll probably be alone forever I get anxiety and my depression lasts for what seems like forever.

I have self diagnosed myself with borderline personality disorder.

And I realize if I don't get help I may be alone forever.

Not to mention I've been trying to conceive and have failed.

Also trying to overcome my bulimia but when I get in this mood it triggers it again (p.s I hate that word trigger)

Anyway it now almost 3am and I'll be tired for my interview tomorrow and I have no one to drive me (mind you I'm almost 29 and have no car)

Damn the more I type the more pathetic I sound.

Signing off ugh

1 like, 7 replies

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Samantha firstly believe me the last thing you need right now is a baby they don't ever make things better or easier.

    Second I'd rather be alone for ever than to have someone abuse and or vandalise by things your worth more than that and deserve better than that don't sell yourself short

    You sound like you are in need of attention and need to feel loved the first thing you will have to realise is no one can love you until you love yourself If you tolerate crap your going to get crap

    Here's a tip if he sends you nasty messages with hurtful things on them keep them when you start to forget how much those words hurt you read them again this may sound bad but it's not it's good for you because it'll stop you taking him back you've said he abuses you my god I wish I could give you some strength nothing grinds on me more than that

    I won't say he won't change because it takes years of theropy to help ( I hate saying people) when he's acting so bad he needs help to deal with his issues if you take him bk you are saying it's ok I'm ok with this lifestyle and the fact your on here says your not

    You realise a baby with him ties him to your life for 18 years not maybe in a relationship capacity but he's going to be around

    Causing difficult situations do you want that really

    Look tell him to get help go and get help from your gp do things for yourself go out have fun get a hobby start to love yourself

    Tell him to get help to but do it separately then who knows in two years you may meet and be totally different people and actually be good for each other and have a baby and be a happy family

    But this isn't any good for anyone I mean Hun you've had to call the police already someone is going to get hurt here plz take the advice

    Thinking of you x

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for all your advice, when I wrote this I didn't think anyone would be interested in my self pitty 3 am rant and I appreciate you taking the time to write me and give me some great words of wisdom.

      Everyday I'm struggling to grasp the reality of my life changing and it's very scary realizing that your dreams and aspirations as a child may not come true when an adult,but I think I'll be ok with that.

      I try everyday to be thankful but it's hard with depression as I'm sure most can understand.

      Thank you for showing me kindness.

      Sincerely

      Sam

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  • Posted

    You don't sound pathetic Samantha. You sound like you are trapped in a very vicious circle that needs to be broken. No wonder you have anxiety and depression, let alone bulimia.

    Please don't self-diagnose. It serves no purpose and we tend to then live up to the label. First you need to seek professional advice - you can start with your doctor. Domestic abuse demands zero tolerance. Bringing a child into an already abusive relationship would increase the problems all round (I'm being gentle here because I have been through the agonies of infertility and sympathise). Once your doctor helps you find a starting point, you can tackle the issues one by one, starting I hope with why you would choose an abusive relationship rather than 'be alone forever' (that's a LONG time and unlikely) and why you would consciously put a child into such a toxic environment. At 29 you have plenty of time to establish healthy relationships and then start a family. My dearest friend chose to stay in a toxic (non-violent) relationship and the effect it had on her child's self-esteem was heartbreaking.

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    • Posted

      Hey,

      Thank you for writing me back and giving me some tough love advice I appreciate when people give me reality verse flower painted glass replies. I'm surprised my 3am rant got noticed as I hold things in because I think people aren't interested in my self loathing but then again who would be.

      Everyday I'm trying to look on the bright side and your advice is noted and I will try to learn to love myself although hard I'm optimistic.

      Thanks again

      Sincerely

      Sam

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    • Posted

      Hi Sam

      Tough love I might offer but I'd never be so hypocritical as to tell you to learn to love yourself, let alone look on the bright side! I cant even manage that myself!

      I feel that self-acceptance is the key and determination to sort it out (even at my ripe age) because we do deserve better. I've found that approach more productive and less likely to end in more failure.

      My therapist is only just beginning to get through to me how tough I am on myself and how I push away anything that might make me feel better about myself. It contradicts the whole way I was brought up and reeks of self-centredness and attention-seeking to me BUT I can see she's right. So....banish terms like self-loathing, feel a bit of compassion for yourself for a change - the sort you'd show to someone else in your position - and, yes, look forward. If you find the bright side, let me know how? Now I'm singing Monty Python in my head and will be all day. Hmmm.

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  • Posted

    Hi Samantha - a child will not solve anything. It will make things harder. You need to make an appointment with your doctor and describe what has been happening - and seek a referral to a psychologist and/or psychiatrist for assessment. You need to get rid of the boyfriend - you are in a vicious cycle with him and that will not change until you walk away - and realise you are entitled to a better partner than one who beats you and your property. I hope you went to that job interview - work can give us purpose, provide the necessary cash, and give us a new social structure in which to bloom. You are not pathetic, you are trapped. You can free yourself. It will take time and effort, but your future is worth it. Best of luck whatever you decide. 
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    • Posted

      I believe I was unable to have a child with him for a reason as you stated a child would not solve or help any situation so I'm hopeful that when the time is right I will find someone who loves and trusts me and maybe I will be blessed with a child produced out of love.

      Thanks for replying and giving me your opinions and advice it's very much appreciated.

      Sincerely

      Sam

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