Am I a bad person

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hello,

I suffered a bout of depression last year it caused a lack of rationality and a loss of my character and who I was. It caused a lot of difficulty to a new relationship...we broke up. I recently called him to check how he is doing and ignored the call....... I'm very upset cos I'm now thinking he thinks I'm a total maniac and weird. And it feels like it was my fault. I only wanted to check if he was ok as it's been a while and I avoided he had come to see me at work ages ago when I was ill and I've only had the strength now to face him...am I really that terrible to even talk to?

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Kelly,

    I know that horrible feeling when you start to lose yourself, you are compounded by the thoughts of losing yourself. I suffered this form of depression just last week. Ever since I had my panic attack, my life has become a living hell. Even my girlfriend left me during this phase. And, the worst part is that I expected her to understand me when I was feeling down, that I didi not have the strength to face her. But just like that she left me, and she is now in a relationship with my bestfriend, I texted her like mad over the week telling her to not leave me and I will try to be a better person but she completely ignored me Kelly. I am in such a terrible state and I also feel that she thinks that I am a complete pshycho. My life is in a constant state of feeling guilt and repenting for my actions. On top of that, I never have any real friends who could help me. The people I thought who would help me have just thrown me out like a nasty pebble stuck in the shoe.

    But you know what Kelly ? People like you and me are not bad people, and I have realized this because of the past week. People like us are always there for others and the state that we are in now is because we have given so much to people over our lives that we are emotionally spent. Let me explain, the fact that you called your boyfriend to check on him, clearly shows that you are a loving and caring person.

    Kelly, you should not think less of yourself, in fact you should thank GOD that he showed you who are your true friends and who are the pretenders. Just try to be with people that keep you happy and trust me you are going to find somebody who is way better, who will understand who you are. 

    I also belive this fact and this is what keeps me going everday, otherwise I would have killed myself by now. Stay happy Kelly, you sound like an amazing person and these rough times will also pass and in time you will see that you have blossomed into a much better person smile

    All the best wishes Kelly smile

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    • Posted

      Thank you !!!! It's just so hard and I just feel he thinks I'm this mean messed person which I'm not depression has the worse habit of bringing out your worse side...and that's all people see. I've moved on and not expecting the relationship back just wanted to apologise for what happened...as silly as it is I would have rather he deleted me off Facebook so that I would know not to contact him
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  • Posted

    Kelly, you are not a messed up person in fact you are the complete opposite of it. Most people dont even realize how deadly and devstating depression can be, it can rot you from the core. Depression does bring out the worst in us, but a person who genuinely loves you will see through the depression to who you really are. Its so good that you have decided to move on. It doesn't matter whether he has deleted you from facebook, rather its a good think that you wont have to see him again. Always look for the positives in life. Once again, best wishes smile
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  • Posted

    Kelly, if the man doen't want to talk to you and cannot accept you for who you are he's not worth it. You are better off finding someone who understands you and will want to talk to you and accept you no matter what. Believe me, I have been where you are. 
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  • Posted

    Hello Kelly, You are not a bad person otherwise you would not of been interested in asking how your ex was. He is ignorant for not replying. He has moved on and you would be best to do the same. Your worth more. It is often the case that people like ourselves who are struggling think of others. I am there for other people i babysit for a neighbour, i look after my grandchildren one day a week while their parents work, i have been there for an ex ( we are good friends now ) while he has been poorly and in and out of hospital. I don't ask for or get payment, i do it because i care. I have mobility problems also which is a struggle as i don't drive. I have lost most of my friends because of depression, i would often text them and ask how they were and they would rarely text me or offer any support. The times i was told we will meet for a coffee etc and it was promises promises. Well now i have joined some meet up groups in my area and i have met some other people and i feel more accepted by them than the the other friends i thought i had. Most days i spend alone and i don't even bother to get dressed because i know nobody will call. I haven't told anybody in my meet ups about my depression and i will keep it that way as i feel people will not understand. What Zshnjvd as said is true. Be kind to yourself, and it's not selfish to put yourself first, because if you don't look after youself no one else will. Forget your ex and move forward someone special will be out there somewhere.

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth. 

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    • Posted

      Hey Elizabeth,

      So sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. Elizabeth I completely understand and sympathize with you. It is such a horrible feeling when people start to leave you just because you are going thorigh a rough time. And they act as if we are doing all of this on purpose. We do not do this on purpose, don't they think that we want to be happy and be more blissful in our lives ? We don't hate happiness, in fact we crave it more than anything. The worst kind of people are those that leave you in the midst of when you are feeling lonely.

      But Elizabeth, if you don't mind, can I please give you a suggestion ? You mentioned that you don't even bother to dress up and meet new people. Elizabeth what will that give us ? The same thing that we have been trying to avoid and that is loneliness. Look, you came to this page and found out that there are other people who are going through some of the worst times of their lives, it means YOU are not alone Elizabeth smile . Similarly, there would be other people out there who would genuinely accept you for who you are and might even want to help you get better. Sometimes, all it takes is just ONE person to bring a HUGE change in you. I myself, am still searching for that one person, but in the mean time I dress myself as best I can and interact with other people even if it means having to fake a smile and fake my laughter. Because, I believe that in time I will find someone who would understand and accept me. I am not giving up because HOPE is all that we have, and it is such a powerful thing that it can move mountains. Everyday I think of giving up amidst the thousands of voices telling me I should, but there is one tiny voice in my head that always says "Don't give up, you can do it", and I've decided to listen to that little guy smile

      So, Elizabeth please hang in there once again I say, YOU are not alone. We understand what you are going through. But things would get better smile

      Best of luck and the warmest of regards Elizabeth smile

      Zeeshan 

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    • Posted

      Thank you Zshnjvd for your kind comments. Yes we understand others here and we are strangers which makes it easier. I have recently been out a couple of times with meet ups and have met some nice people. I don't tell them i have depression and sometimes i put on a smile to hide how i really feel. It's when i am alone that it is more difficult and i spend a lot of time alone. I will take on board what you have said. I wish you the best in your recovery.

      Elizabeth.

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